Hi, Facebook. How are you? Great, me too. I know we talk regularly and all, but I wanted to address you more formally about something that's been bothering me lately.
Lately, you've been pissing me off. I'm only saying this so bluntly because I'm your friend. I come hang out with you on the daily to catch up and to have a few laughs. But over the past month or so I've been noticing a lot of your friends want me to "like" emaciated children and adults, abused dogs, abused children, people with cancer, people who've survived cancer, people who've heard of cancer, abused circus animals, abused farm animals, bullied fat girls, bullied skinny girls, Justin Bieber, Mitt Romney and all kinds of other garbage.
LISTEN. My "like"-ing of the aforementioned things does not equal a prayer, a dollar, a penny, a quarter, a vote, a voice, a life saved. It equals other people can see it now. Nothing more.
I will, however, "like" anything you show me that's in hilarious poor taste, hilarious good taste, mockery of Mitt Romney and/or Justin Bieber, cute animals, funny people, cute clothes, cute dudes, cute chicks and anything DailyGrace has to say.
In summation, I want my laughs, not to constantly be traumatized by your sadistic need to show me graphic images.
Thanks for understanding, you prick.
Kisses,
Shface, Je
Monday, October 22, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Paranormal Activity 4 - Not Quite as Spoiler-Free
I did warn you just now right? This is NOT a spoiler-free review. Turn back now if you're not into that kind of thing.
So, a day later I still cannot decide whether or not I actually LIKED this film. I'm a huge fan of the franchise obviously, but I came to the fourth film wanting answers. I wanted to know whether the writers of the Paranormal Activity movies were brilliant or just assholes who never realized the gaping vagina holes in their plot lines.
The first thing that pissed me off before I even saw the damn thing was that it was in present day and featuring MORE new characters, aside from a creepy boy which you're led to believe, by trailer alone and through the first quarter of the film, is Hunter. Well.. here's a spoiler; it's NOT.
So the film pretty much revolves around a 15yr old girl named Alex, her little brother Wyatt and the creepy boy from across the street Robbie. Robbie's mom mysteriously becomes "ill" and is sent to the hospital, forcing Robbie upon the neighbors to watch him. Naturally, weird things start happening when Robbie and his invisible friend "Toby" move in. There is only one, quiet mention that the name of his friend is Toby and after that scene he is never mentioned again. (If you recall, Toby was the name of the entity that followed Kristi and Katie as children.)
While I'm not saying this film lacked in the "scare" department, it does seem to have gotten a little routine. The loud banging that comes from nowhere is overused. The entity dragging people out of rooms and down hallways is overused. KATIE is overused. The best part of a horror film that deals with the supernatural, the paranormal, the spirit world in any way is WHAT YOU DO NOT SEE and I think they're losing that feel.
The tension was there, as always. A knife being stolen by an unseen entity and then coming down hard, almost taking dad out of the game later in the film was a good moment of tension for sure.
Use of night vision via the family's XBOX turned out to be a neat effect as well because we were able to see an entity following young Wyatt around at night, which was cool.
The entire film was Robbie (whose "mother" turns out to be Katie) preparing Wyatt to meet Toby, the entity. And here's where I'm gonna ruin the shit out of this for you.. Wyatt is Hunter. See how abruptly I just did that? That's how abruptly the film does it too. So theoretically, the boy is being prepared for sacrifice (according to the rules of the cult). We do see a bit of the cult in this film and each time led to a pretty good jump scare.
What else could they stop putting in these movies?
DEMON FACES. Seriously. Hated it in the first one's original ending. Distort the face a little. Make it blurry. Anything. Just get rid of the demon face. It's dumb and it cheapens the shit out of what's supposed to be a good scare. If I wanted to see demon face, I'd rent Wrong Turn 5.
Also, there was a scene after Wyatt is informed/forced into being Hunter where he breaks into Alex's room and by staring at her forces her body to slowly levitate. This practice is then completely cut off and it's suddenly morning. The fuck was the point of that? It was for show. Lame show.
In the end, Katie killed a bunch of people and we found Hunter five years later.
No answers. Nothing further about the cult. Nothing about the house burning down or Katie & Kristi's second haunting, nothing about their mom, nothing about their grandma, nothing, nothing, nothing. In that sense, I hated the film.
As a horror film alone, I think I liked it. If they can shy away from the gimmicky side of it all in the next one, I'd be happy with it as a horror film by itself.
Yes, there will be another film. Pay attention to what's blocking out the windows at the end and stay past the credits.
Onward, to wait another year...
So, a day later I still cannot decide whether or not I actually LIKED this film. I'm a huge fan of the franchise obviously, but I came to the fourth film wanting answers. I wanted to know whether the writers of the Paranormal Activity movies were brilliant or just assholes who never realized the gaping vagina holes in their plot lines.
The first thing that pissed me off before I even saw the damn thing was that it was in present day and featuring MORE new characters, aside from a creepy boy which you're led to believe, by trailer alone and through the first quarter of the film, is Hunter. Well.. here's a spoiler; it's NOT.
So the film pretty much revolves around a 15yr old girl named Alex, her little brother Wyatt and the creepy boy from across the street Robbie. Robbie's mom mysteriously becomes "ill" and is sent to the hospital, forcing Robbie upon the neighbors to watch him. Naturally, weird things start happening when Robbie and his invisible friend "Toby" move in. There is only one, quiet mention that the name of his friend is Toby and after that scene he is never mentioned again. (If you recall, Toby was the name of the entity that followed Kristi and Katie as children.)
While I'm not saying this film lacked in the "scare" department, it does seem to have gotten a little routine. The loud banging that comes from nowhere is overused. The entity dragging people out of rooms and down hallways is overused. KATIE is overused. The best part of a horror film that deals with the supernatural, the paranormal, the spirit world in any way is WHAT YOU DO NOT SEE and I think they're losing that feel.
The tension was there, as always. A knife being stolen by an unseen entity and then coming down hard, almost taking dad out of the game later in the film was a good moment of tension for sure.
Use of night vision via the family's XBOX turned out to be a neat effect as well because we were able to see an entity following young Wyatt around at night, which was cool.
The entire film was Robbie (whose "mother" turns out to be Katie) preparing Wyatt to meet Toby, the entity. And here's where I'm gonna ruin the shit out of this for you.. Wyatt is Hunter. See how abruptly I just did that? That's how abruptly the film does it too. So theoretically, the boy is being prepared for sacrifice (according to the rules of the cult). We do see a bit of the cult in this film and each time led to a pretty good jump scare.
What else could they stop putting in these movies?
DEMON FACES. Seriously. Hated it in the first one's original ending. Distort the face a little. Make it blurry. Anything. Just get rid of the demon face. It's dumb and it cheapens the shit out of what's supposed to be a good scare. If I wanted to see demon face, I'd rent Wrong Turn 5.
Also, there was a scene after Wyatt is informed/forced into being Hunter where he breaks into Alex's room and by staring at her forces her body to slowly levitate. This practice is then completely cut off and it's suddenly morning. The fuck was the point of that? It was for show. Lame show.
In the end, Katie killed a bunch of people and we found Hunter five years later.
No answers. Nothing further about the cult. Nothing about the house burning down or Katie & Kristi's second haunting, nothing about their mom, nothing about their grandma, nothing, nothing, nothing. In that sense, I hated the film.
As a horror film alone, I think I liked it. If they can shy away from the gimmicky side of it all in the next one, I'd be happy with it as a horror film by itself.
Yes, there will be another film. Pay attention to what's blocking out the windows at the end and stay past the credits.
Onward, to wait another year...
Paranormal Activity 4 (spoiler free review)
For the ultimate record, I did not hate this movie.
For the ultimate record, I'm still uncertain as to whether or not I liked this movie.
For the full word vomit/paragraphs of confusion/more detailed reasons behind all of this, see my more revealing review, which will follow this one.
A little plot synopsis. The last one left us with Kristi being prepared to wed Toby, the unseen entity. This film starts off reminding us that Katie is Kristi's sister and Hunter's aunt, that she kills Kristi and leaves with Hunter, "their whereabouts unknown" blah blah blah shit you already know.
However, the film itself takes place in 2011, surrounding the lives of 15yr old Alex, her boyfriend Ben, her brother Wyatt, her parents and the weird kid next door, Robbie.
I was instantly disappointed when I saw that this seemed to be a present-day story when I watched the trailer. Because, if you've read my previous blogs (yes, blogS. more than one.) on the Paranormal Activity movies, you'll know that all I wanted was answers to the questions and holes in the plot.
The storyline was fairly okay. Few twists and turns. I think I laughed more than I jumped. I feel like the jump scares are becoming too rhythmic. Too constant. Camera panning and discovering something you don't expect is a staple of these movies and I'm fairly certain it was used at least 5-6 times in this one alone. Also, I feel (and I felt this by the second film) that they overuse the whole "entity drags the human" sight gag. It's not overused in this film particularly, I just think it's overused in general. The tension is still palpable in a dark, quiet movie theater as it's always been.
All in all, I'd give Paranormal Activity 4... three out of five stars. And you can find out why for realziez in my next blog where I'm gonna spoil a bit of this movie for you...
For the ultimate record, I'm still uncertain as to whether or not I liked this movie.
For the full word vomit/paragraphs of confusion/more detailed reasons behind all of this, see my more revealing review, which will follow this one.
A little plot synopsis. The last one left us with Kristi being prepared to wed Toby, the unseen entity. This film starts off reminding us that Katie is Kristi's sister and Hunter's aunt, that she kills Kristi and leaves with Hunter, "their whereabouts unknown" blah blah blah shit you already know.
However, the film itself takes place in 2011, surrounding the lives of 15yr old Alex, her boyfriend Ben, her brother Wyatt, her parents and the weird kid next door, Robbie.
I was instantly disappointed when I saw that this seemed to be a present-day story when I watched the trailer. Because, if you've read my previous blogs (yes, blogS. more than one.) on the Paranormal Activity movies, you'll know that all I wanted was answers to the questions and holes in the plot.
The storyline was fairly okay. Few twists and turns. I think I laughed more than I jumped. I feel like the jump scares are becoming too rhythmic. Too constant. Camera panning and discovering something you don't expect is a staple of these movies and I'm fairly certain it was used at least 5-6 times in this one alone. Also, I feel (and I felt this by the second film) that they overuse the whole "entity drags the human" sight gag. It's not overused in this film particularly, I just think it's overused in general. The tension is still palpable in a dark, quiet movie theater as it's always been.
All in all, I'd give Paranormal Activity 4... three out of five stars. And you can find out why for realziez in my next blog where I'm gonna spoil a bit of this movie for you...
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Apologies.
This week thanks to the full moon, PMS and my general bitchy attitude towards life, I pissed a bunch of people off. That happens in life, right? Sometimes you fuck up, you apologize and life goes on.
When did it become a thing for people to not accept your apologies. Like, I'm a shitty apologizer. I really am. I know this. Most of my friends and family know this. I'm terrible at at admitting I'm wrong and even when I can admit it, I have trouble actually physically saying "I'm sorry".
But when I do say it, why is it always met with indifference or disbelief in my sincerity? When my friends and family fuck up and then apologize, I tend to accept it and if I'm still pissed, I try to talk it out. I don't blow up or ignore them or treat them like their apology couldn't mean any less to me. That's hurtful and makes me kind of feel not sorry anymore.
Why does an apology have to further punishment? Admitting you're wrong and actively trying to correct it should be punishment enough, right? No one likes to admit they've fucked up.
So next time someone fucks up and all you want to do is blow off their apology, think about how hard it is to apologize. Even if someone is bad at it, at least they had the balls to admit their error.
Did I mention the PMS?
When did it become a thing for people to not accept your apologies. Like, I'm a shitty apologizer. I really am. I know this. Most of my friends and family know this. I'm terrible at at admitting I'm wrong and even when I can admit it, I have trouble actually physically saying "I'm sorry".
But when I do say it, why is it always met with indifference or disbelief in my sincerity? When my friends and family fuck up and then apologize, I tend to accept it and if I'm still pissed, I try to talk it out. I don't blow up or ignore them or treat them like their apology couldn't mean any less to me. That's hurtful and makes me kind of feel not sorry anymore.
Why does an apology have to further punishment? Admitting you're wrong and actively trying to correct it should be punishment enough, right? No one likes to admit they've fucked up.
So next time someone fucks up and all you want to do is blow off their apology, think about how hard it is to apologize. Even if someone is bad at it, at least they had the balls to admit their error.
Did I mention the PMS?
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
How to Use a Cellular Telephone
I have some very pointed opinions on the use of cell phones. Don't get me wrong. I love my phone. It's a pretty little droid operated piece of metal that does everything I want it to do for the low low price of $27/month. (hahahaha, suck it!)
But there is a time and a place for these devices. And I'm going to teach you when and where to use your cell phone and conversely where and when to NOT use your cell phone.
DO:
Use your cell phone to text your significant other you haven't seen all day.
DON'T:
Use your cell phone to text your significant other when they walk out of the room.
DO:
Use your phone when you need directions.
DON'T:
Use your phone in the shower.
DO:
Instagram a nice night out with friends/family/significant others.
DON'T:
Instagram the entire night you're out with friends/family/significant others.
DO:
Answer your phone when it rings.
DON'T:
Answer your phone when it rings mid-face to face conversation.
DO:
Turn your ringer on loud so you can hear it when you're out and about.
DON'T:
Forget to turn it the fuck down when you're in a quieter public setting.
DO:
Take a million pictures with your phone.
DON'T:
Forget about the naked ones.
DO:
Use your phone at home.
DON'T:
Use your phone at a funeral.
Okay, I hope these tips helped you understand how to not be an asshole on your cellular telephone device.
Ta, fuckers.
But there is a time and a place for these devices. And I'm going to teach you when and where to use your cell phone and conversely where and when to NOT use your cell phone.
DO:
Use your cell phone to text your significant other you haven't seen all day.
DON'T:
Use your cell phone to text your significant other when they walk out of the room.
DO:
Use your phone when you need directions.
DON'T:
Use your phone in the shower.
DO:
Instagram a nice night out with friends/family/significant others.
DON'T:
Instagram the entire night you're out with friends/family/significant others.
DO:
Answer your phone when it rings.
DON'T:
Answer your phone when it rings mid-face to face conversation.
DO:
Turn your ringer on loud so you can hear it when you're out and about.
DON'T:
Forget to turn it the fuck down when you're in a quieter public setting.
DO:
Take a million pictures with your phone.
DON'T:
Forget about the naked ones.
DO:
Use your phone at home.
DON'T:
Use your phone at a funeral.
Okay, I hope these tips helped you understand how to not be an asshole on your cellular telephone device.
Ta, fuckers.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Fifty Shades of Grey - My Brilliance
Yes, you're luck! It's another edition of Fifty Shades of Shut the Fuck Up, Jeshface!
Now, imdb.com has it listed that a Fifty Shades movie is in the works and everyone who actually liked the book and wants to see it made into a film (I fall into the former category, but not the latter), is debating who should play Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.
Sidenote: Every time I type the name "Anastasia Steele", I feel like I'm writing the world's most awful literary pornography.
But I digress.
Personally, I think they should leave the books alone. Christian Grey looks different to a lot of different people and putting a permanent face on him would take away the fantasy aspect for a lot of people. Clearly it took me months to realize I saw him as a live-action Sterling Archer.
But because we must capitalize on EVERYTHING in this country, here's what I think they should do when they inevitably make this into a film..
They don't cast Matt Bomer or Ian Somerholder or any of these other Hollywood pretty boys I've never heard of. They don't cast Alexis Bledel or Emma Watson. They cast COMPLETE unknowns. First time big budget movie. It's a clean slate, no preconceived notions, no bias, no immediate turn off because of casting.
And here's the catch; You market the film with complete anonymity. No cast list. No face visuals in the trailers and tv spots. You will not see Christian and Ana until you pay whatever obscene amount your theater charges to sit down and see the film yourself.
BOOM. Brilliance.
Fifty Shades of Grey just made $500,000 more than anticipated.
Laters, baby.
Now, imdb.com has it listed that a Fifty Shades movie is in the works and everyone who actually liked the book and wants to see it made into a film (I fall into the former category, but not the latter), is debating who should play Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.
Sidenote: Every time I type the name "Anastasia Steele", I feel like I'm writing the world's most awful literary pornography.
But I digress.
Personally, I think they should leave the books alone. Christian Grey looks different to a lot of different people and putting a permanent face on him would take away the fantasy aspect for a lot of people. Clearly it took me months to realize I saw him as a live-action Sterling Archer.
But because we must capitalize on EVERYTHING in this country, here's what I think they should do when they inevitably make this into a film..
They don't cast Matt Bomer or Ian Somerholder or any of these other Hollywood pretty boys I've never heard of. They don't cast Alexis Bledel or Emma Watson. They cast COMPLETE unknowns. First time big budget movie. It's a clean slate, no preconceived notions, no bias, no immediate turn off because of casting.
And here's the catch; You market the film with complete anonymity. No cast list. No face visuals in the trailers and tv spots. You will not see Christian and Ana until you pay whatever obscene amount your theater charges to sit down and see the film yourself.
BOOM. Brilliance.
Fifty Shades of Grey just made $500,000 more than anticipated.
Laters, baby.
What the Fuck is That?!
Gangnam Style Dance - What the fuck is that?
Gwyneth Paltrow best dressed woman - What the fuck is that?
Gwyneth Paltrow is a woman - What the fuck is that?
CPS on strike - What the fuck is that?
A Christmas commercial on September 13th - The FUCK is THAT?
All the best pleasures in life can kill you - The fuck?
Diet Pepsi won't make your ass fat, but it will give you cancer - What the FUCK is that?!
Foreskin - The fuck?
I like One Direction's song... you know, that one.. - What the??
Overdue unpaid parking tickets - What the fuck is that?
Accidentally scheduling all your classes on Sundays so you can't watch the Bears - What the fuck?!!
Shaving - What the fuck?
Shots of Jameson - What the...?
Chambray - What the fuck is that?
Color blocking - What the fuck is that?
Fuck - The fuck?
Chicken soup for the soul - What the fuck is that?
Hipsters - What the fuck is that?
Darth Vader's cholesterol level - What the fuck?
I have no idea where I'm going with this... - What the fuck is that?
Gwyneth Paltrow best dressed woman - What the fuck is that?
Gwyneth Paltrow is a woman - What the fuck is that?
CPS on strike - What the fuck is that?
A Christmas commercial on September 13th - The FUCK is THAT?
All the best pleasures in life can kill you - The fuck?
Diet Pepsi won't make your ass fat, but it will give you cancer - What the FUCK is that?!
Foreskin - The fuck?
I like One Direction's song... you know, that one.. - What the??
Overdue unpaid parking tickets - What the fuck is that?
Accidentally scheduling all your classes on Sundays so you can't watch the Bears - What the fuck?!!
Shaving - What the fuck?
Shots of Jameson - What the...?
Chambray - What the fuck is that?
Color blocking - What the fuck is that?
Fuck - The fuck?
Chicken soup for the soul - What the fuck is that?
Hipsters - What the fuck is that?
Darth Vader's cholesterol level - What the fuck?
I have no idea where I'm going with this... - What the fuck is that?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Paranormal Activity 4 Trailer
Today is a thrilling day for me! The Paranormal Activity 4 trailer came out today! If you haven't watched it yet, you can do so HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE.
WHAT THE FUCK?! I know the PA trailers are always deceptive. For more information on my views on the previous Paranormal Activity movies, read my confusion/review/spoilers/whatthefuck on Paranormal Activity 3 riiiiiiiight heeeeeere.
But this one flat-out makes no sense. I can safely assume the 'creepy kid next door' is Hunter, Kristi's son. But he is supposed to be sacrificed, not used as a vessel for demons. And who is this blonde? I want the story behind the house burning down! I want the answers to what happened to their mom! The cult! It looks like all we're gonna get is where Hunter and Katie are. If they leave out all the other backstory details, I can safely assume they just did a shit job with the continuity of this story. And I will be sorely disappointed.
Thoughts?
I am just left with a whole lot of what the fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK?! I know the PA trailers are always deceptive. For more information on my views on the previous Paranormal Activity movies, read my confusion/review/spoilers/whatthefuck on Paranormal Activity 3 riiiiiiiight heeeeeere.
But this one flat-out makes no sense. I can safely assume the 'creepy kid next door' is Hunter, Kristi's son. But he is supposed to be sacrificed, not used as a vessel for demons. And who is this blonde? I want the story behind the house burning down! I want the answers to what happened to their mom! The cult! It looks like all we're gonna get is where Hunter and Katie are. If they leave out all the other backstory details, I can safely assume they just did a shit job with the continuity of this story. And I will be sorely disappointed.
Thoughts?
I am just left with a whole lot of what the fuck.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Celebrities I've Met in My 26 Years of Existence
So, I was jammin' out to some John Mayer on my way home from work today and getting nostalgic about the times I'd seen him in concert. And I don't care what kind of douchebag stereotypical girl it makes me, John Mayer makes some fucking awesome music. So shut the fuck up, first of all.
Anyway, like I was saying, I was getting nostalgic and I'd forgotten that I actually MET John Mayer one night. And that led me to thinking of all the other celebrities I'd met in my lifetime, especially whilst living in NYC. It's not as common here in Chicago to meet as many celebrities as it is in NY.. or at least that's how it seems. So, I thought 'hey, you're really sucking at coming up with ideas to blog about, why not compose a list of cool people you've met over the past bunch of years?'. And then I thought 'hey, self, that's a great idea!'. So here we go.
1- Well, I guess we'll start with John Mayer then. I was probably around 18ish. My friend Alex and I were pretty hardcore JM fans. I'd seen him a few times in concert, the last being 2nd row center with Maroon 5. It was one of the most fun concerts I'd ever been to. So in the winter, John was playing a show with a few other musicians for Miracle on State Street and rather than get tickets, Alex and I just decided to go to see what would happen. We hung around the back entrance where you could hear absolutely everything. It was perfect. Cold, but perfect. But as John FINALLY got on stage to play after a bunch of other musicians I didn't give a good god damn about, one of the managers came out and asked us to leave. Told us to leave, rather. We pleaded with him to let us stay, reassuring him we were not casing the place or looking to harm anyone or anything. He eventually conceded and let us stay. Shortly thereafter, two ushers came out to empty trash into the dumpster. They were cool enough to sneak us in, so we got to watch the very end of John's set way up close. For free! It was amazing.
When he was done, we bolted out of the building to see if we could catch him before he left. And sure as shit, we did! It never seemed feasible to meet someone like John Mayer. Big time stuff, lots of security, etc. Last minute, we realized we had nothing for him to sign. So, like the classy lady that I am, I lent him my leg to sign my jeans. And he did. And like the shameless broad that I am, I asked him if I could touch his (post-Heavier Things, long, but not hobo long) hair. He said "absolutely", his security said "NO". These things sometimes happen. I still have the jeans in my boxes of stuff.
2- Daniel Radcliffe isn't really an entertaining story... except for how long it takes to get anywhere near the poor tiny man. I stagedoored How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying for like three weeks solid last August. It takes roughly about 4 1/2 hours of standing behind a barricade to meet DanRad for ten seconds. But I tell you what, he's a handsome motherfucker and I regret nothing.
3- Also while stagedooring How to Succeed, I met John Larroquette, who was lovely.
4- Stagedooring also led me to meeting the likes of Kelsey Grammer, Andrea Martin, Megan Mullally, Roger Bart, Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Sutton and Hunter Foster, Donny Osmond (by accident - and then we harassed him all the way down the street. hilarious.), Martin Short, Tony Danza (who is an enormous asshole and talentless to boot), among others.
5- If you know me well enough, you know while living in NY I saw The Producers 75 times on the Broadways. And I saw lots of celebrititos. there too. Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, the entire cast of The Sopranos sat behind me once, Brian Posehn, Fred Willard (who was not doing anything lewd, surprisingly.), Susan Sarandon, Cheno, among others.
6- The Producers also led me to meeting the one and only Mel Brooks on closing night of show. I'd lend you photo evidence, but my cousin was a total asshole and stole my moment and made me TAKE the picture instead of letting me be in it. Our time with Mel was SUPER brief, but it was very surreal and awesome.
7- I passed Mark Linn-Baker on the street on my lunch break in NYC once and almost shit my pants. Perfect Strangers WAS my childhood. To this day the only "celebrity" to render me speechless. Still regret not going to see the show he was in at the time.
8- My ex and I met Joel Hodgson of MST3K fame at a Cinematic Titanic adventure in Chicago. He was crabby and drunk as fuck and looks remarkably like my mom's boyfriend. Seriously. It's uncanny.
(top: Kevin & Joel Hodgson, bottom: My mom & her boyfriend)
9- I met all of The Whitest Kids U Know here in Chicago. Pictures are somewhere. Trevor Moore was possibly the nicest guy I've ever met ever.
10- I guess at this point you could call Adam Richman (of Man v Food fame) a friend of mine. Flingity fling fling.
11- Passed Nicki Minaj on the street last August. Can't really call that "meeting" her, but she was there and I was there and it was like 5am on 8th avenue in NYC. I was headed to a rush line, she was headed... elsewhere.
12- Megan Hilty, who is now on that show uhh... you know, the one.. fuck. What's it called? The one with Katharine McPhee... She's lovely.
13- Ralph Fiennes as not Voldemort. Receding hairline aside, he was beautiful. I must paint him.
14- I know I'm forgetting a bunch, but I have to leave it on the highest of high notes. If I remember more, I'll comment them below or maybe edit this and add 'em if I'm feeling not as particularly lazy as I imagine I will. So by now you're like "shut up, who's number fourteen?!", right? No, probably not. But number 14 belongs to Betty White. I got to stand in front of her long enough for her to sign a book and say some sweet things and then leave. It was intense. I watched a lot of Golden Girls as a kid. When it was still airing. New. And I continue to watch it now. Not new. Three quarters of them are dead, you idiot.
SO there you have it. A semi-complete list of celebrities I've met. Hope this was fascinating for you cause I'm bored as fuck of it and I'm tired of typing.
Anyway, like I was saying, I was getting nostalgic and I'd forgotten that I actually MET John Mayer one night. And that led me to thinking of all the other celebrities I'd met in my lifetime, especially whilst living in NYC. It's not as common here in Chicago to meet as many celebrities as it is in NY.. or at least that's how it seems. So, I thought 'hey, you're really sucking at coming up with ideas to blog about, why not compose a list of cool people you've met over the past bunch of years?'. And then I thought 'hey, self, that's a great idea!'. So here we go.
1- Well, I guess we'll start with John Mayer then. I was probably around 18ish. My friend Alex and I were pretty hardcore JM fans. I'd seen him a few times in concert, the last being 2nd row center with Maroon 5. It was one of the most fun concerts I'd ever been to. So in the winter, John was playing a show with a few other musicians for Miracle on State Street and rather than get tickets, Alex and I just decided to go to see what would happen. We hung around the back entrance where you could hear absolutely everything. It was perfect. Cold, but perfect. But as John FINALLY got on stage to play after a bunch of other musicians I didn't give a good god damn about, one of the managers came out and asked us to leave. Told us to leave, rather. We pleaded with him to let us stay, reassuring him we were not casing the place or looking to harm anyone or anything. He eventually conceded and let us stay. Shortly thereafter, two ushers came out to empty trash into the dumpster. They were cool enough to sneak us in, so we got to watch the very end of John's set way up close. For free! It was amazing.
When he was done, we bolted out of the building to see if we could catch him before he left. And sure as shit, we did! It never seemed feasible to meet someone like John Mayer. Big time stuff, lots of security, etc. Last minute, we realized we had nothing for him to sign. So, like the classy lady that I am, I lent him my leg to sign my jeans. And he did. And like the shameless broad that I am, I asked him if I could touch his (post-Heavier Things, long, but not hobo long) hair. He said "absolutely", his security said "NO". These things sometimes happen. I still have the jeans in my boxes of stuff.
2- Daniel Radcliffe isn't really an entertaining story... except for how long it takes to get anywhere near the poor tiny man. I stagedoored How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying for like three weeks solid last August. It takes roughly about 4 1/2 hours of standing behind a barricade to meet DanRad for ten seconds. But I tell you what, he's a handsome motherfucker and I regret nothing.
3- Also while stagedooring How to Succeed, I met John Larroquette, who was lovely.
4- Stagedooring also led me to meeting the likes of Kelsey Grammer, Andrea Martin, Megan Mullally, Roger Bart, Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Sutton and Hunter Foster, Donny Osmond (by accident - and then we harassed him all the way down the street. hilarious.), Martin Short, Tony Danza (who is an enormous asshole and talentless to boot), among others.
5- If you know me well enough, you know while living in NY I saw The Producers 75 times on the Broadways. And I saw lots of celebrititos. there too. Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, the entire cast of The Sopranos sat behind me once, Brian Posehn, Fred Willard (who was not doing anything lewd, surprisingly.), Susan Sarandon, Cheno, among others.
6- The Producers also led me to meeting the one and only Mel Brooks on closing night of show. I'd lend you photo evidence, but my cousin was a total asshole and stole my moment and made me TAKE the picture instead of letting me be in it. Our time with Mel was SUPER brief, but it was very surreal and awesome.
see?!
7- I passed Mark Linn-Baker on the street on my lunch break in NYC once and almost shit my pants. Perfect Strangers WAS my childhood. To this day the only "celebrity" to render me speechless. Still regret not going to see the show he was in at the time.
8- My ex and I met Joel Hodgson of MST3K fame at a Cinematic Titanic adventure in Chicago. He was crabby and drunk as fuck and looks remarkably like my mom's boyfriend. Seriously. It's uncanny.
(top: Kevin & Joel Hodgson, bottom: My mom & her boyfriend)
9- I met all of The Whitest Kids U Know here in Chicago. Pictures are somewhere. Trevor Moore was possibly the nicest guy I've ever met ever.
10- I guess at this point you could call Adam Richman (of Man v Food fame) a friend of mine. Flingity fling fling.
11- Passed Nicki Minaj on the street last August. Can't really call that "meeting" her, but she was there and I was there and it was like 5am on 8th avenue in NYC. I was headed to a rush line, she was headed... elsewhere.
12- Megan Hilty, who is now on that show uhh... you know, the one.. fuck. What's it called? The one with Katharine McPhee... She's lovely.
13- Ralph Fiennes as not Voldemort. Receding hairline aside, he was beautiful. I must paint him.
14- I know I'm forgetting a bunch, but I have to leave it on the highest of high notes. If I remember more, I'll comment them below or maybe edit this and add 'em if I'm feeling not as particularly lazy as I imagine I will. So by now you're like "shut up, who's number fourteen?!", right? No, probably not. But number 14 belongs to Betty White. I got to stand in front of her long enough for her to sign a book and say some sweet things and then leave. It was intense. I watched a lot of Golden Girls as a kid. When it was still airing. New. And I continue to watch it now. Not new. Three quarters of them are dead, you idiot.
SO there you have it. A semi-complete list of celebrities I've met. Hope this was fascinating for you cause I'm bored as fuck of it and I'm tired of typing.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Living a Lie is Lying to Your Fucking Self
Today my brother's fiancé left him. Just out of nowhere. He came home from work, all her shit was gone & her ring on the dresser.
Now, my brother and I are relatively close considering we just met two years ago for the first time. And believe me I am harnessing a strong desire to take a 2x4 to that scrunched up mug of hers.
I just don't know what happened because you never saw the fights or the hatred. You saw love and almost to an obnoxious degree. So she was clearly living a lie at some point.
Listen, relationships get rocky. They all have their shitty moments. But if you're genuinely unhappy with what you come home to, you're done. But the answer isn't giving your partner the proverbial finger and leaving without a word while they think everything is fucking peachy. The answer is to tell that person "Hey! I don't love you anymore!", "Hey! I'm leaving you!", "Hey! I'm leaving you for so-and-so!". Whatever the case may be. The situation is a million times easier for you if you just leave with nothing said. But the situation is a hundred billion times harder for the person you just left.
And if you're unhappy, just admit it. First to yourself and then to your partner. Don't be a coward ass little bitch and pretend you're happy.
Faking happiness does not make you happy.
Now, my brother and I are relatively close considering we just met two years ago for the first time. And believe me I am harnessing a strong desire to take a 2x4 to that scrunched up mug of hers.
I just don't know what happened because you never saw the fights or the hatred. You saw love and almost to an obnoxious degree. So she was clearly living a lie at some point.
Listen, relationships get rocky. They all have their shitty moments. But if you're genuinely unhappy with what you come home to, you're done. But the answer isn't giving your partner the proverbial finger and leaving without a word while they think everything is fucking peachy. The answer is to tell that person "Hey! I don't love you anymore!", "Hey! I'm leaving you!", "Hey! I'm leaving you for so-and-so!". Whatever the case may be. The situation is a million times easier for you if you just leave with nothing said. But the situation is a hundred billion times harder for the person you just left.
And if you're unhappy, just admit it. First to yourself and then to your partner. Don't be a coward ass little bitch and pretend you're happy.
Faking happiness does not make you happy.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Rant.
Once about every three months or so I check PerezHilton.com pretty much just to make sure certain people are still alive. And today was one of those days. While scoping certain articles, I realized a lot of them end with something to the effect of "What does this say to so-and-so's impressionable young fans?" and every time I read that I am filled with some sort of rage.
I understand the general point. Yes, there are young kids who've just discovered Hannah Montana and are watching Miley Cyrus' every move. Yes, there are young kids who've just seen The Parent Trap and are watching Lindsay Lohan's every move. But ask yourself this, when did we start watching celebrities' every move? Now ask yourself, why is that okay? People are allowed to not only follow celebrities and take their picture, but these people (who would be arrested for stalking in any other context) also make MILLIONS of dollars off of this very activity.
But back to my original case.
Why does this fill me with rage? Because though women like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan have made movies and tv shows for children/tweens, etc., they are still women. They are grown women who can live their life as they see it fit. While I don't always agree with Lohan's choices when it comes to how she spends her time or how she lies about every aspect of her life, it's not influencing my life and it never will.
If Miley Cyrus smokes and some asshole finds her at her home and takes a picture of it (which is a real thing that happened), she's supposed to feel bad because some asshole was infringing on her privacy for a quick buck?!
There HAS to be a difference between playing a character and the person playing the character. And if you're using entertainment to police your kids, well, they're gonna be fucked up no matter how long you try to keep them in the Disney bubble. These celebrities don't get paid to shield your children from all the big, scary things in the world. It's not part of their job description. It doesn't mean all their actions are condonable, but it does mean you should respect the fact that they're just people. Overglamorized, well-pampered, overpaid people. So, control what your kids watch and read if you don't like how some of these people act. Be a parent.
There was nothing funny in this blog, but I feel better after that rant.
I understand the general point. Yes, there are young kids who've just discovered Hannah Montana and are watching Miley Cyrus' every move. Yes, there are young kids who've just seen The Parent Trap and are watching Lindsay Lohan's every move. But ask yourself this, when did we start watching celebrities' every move? Now ask yourself, why is that okay? People are allowed to not only follow celebrities and take their picture, but these people (who would be arrested for stalking in any other context) also make MILLIONS of dollars off of this very activity.
But back to my original case.
Why does this fill me with rage? Because though women like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan have made movies and tv shows for children/tweens, etc., they are still women. They are grown women who can live their life as they see it fit. While I don't always agree with Lohan's choices when it comes to how she spends her time or how she lies about every aspect of her life, it's not influencing my life and it never will.
If Miley Cyrus smokes and some asshole finds her at her home and takes a picture of it (which is a real thing that happened), she's supposed to feel bad because some asshole was infringing on her privacy for a quick buck?!
There HAS to be a difference between playing a character and the person playing the character. And if you're using entertainment to police your kids, well, they're gonna be fucked up no matter how long you try to keep them in the Disney bubble. These celebrities don't get paid to shield your children from all the big, scary things in the world. It's not part of their job description. It doesn't mean all their actions are condonable, but it does mean you should respect the fact that they're just people. Overglamorized, well-pampered, overpaid people. So, control what your kids watch and read if you don't like how some of these people act. Be a parent.
There was nothing funny in this blog, but I feel better after that rant.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
3D Me Harder!
Here's a list of movies that should/will be/probably will be/should never be re-released in 3D... Think of the possibilities and then you decide which is which.
-Jurassic Park
-Avatar
-Dark Knight
-The three original Star Wars movies (New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, to the layperson)
-Galaxy Quest
-Billy Jack
-Schindler's List
-Happy Gilmore
-Monster
-Erin Brockovich
-Hocus Pocus
-The Exorcist
-Home Alone 3
-Glitter
-2010
-Sex and the City 2
-Leprechaun Back 2 the Hood
-Clifford
-Howard the Duck
-Jumanji
-Grumpy Old Men
-Weekend at Bernies II
-The Matrix
-Must Love Dogs
-Waterworld
-Richie Rich
-Ice Castles
-On Golden Pond
-Casino Royale
-The Social Network
-Mrs. Doubtfire
Did I miss anything?
-Jurassic Park
-Avatar
-Dark Knight
-The three original Star Wars movies (New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, to the layperson)
-Galaxy Quest
-Billy Jack
-Schindler's List
-Happy Gilmore
-Monster
-Erin Brockovich
-Hocus Pocus
-The Exorcist
-Home Alone 3
-Glitter
-2010
-Sex and the City 2
-Leprechaun Back 2 the Hood
-Clifford
-Howard the Duck
-Jumanji
-Grumpy Old Men
-Weekend at Bernies II
-The Matrix
-Must Love Dogs
-Waterworld
-Richie Rich
-Ice Castles
-On Golden Pond
-Casino Royale
-The Social Network
-Mrs. Doubtfire
Did I miss anything?
How to be Single
Step one: Render yourself completely unattractive. Say things like "I don't care how I look. I have no one to impress.". Even though you don't believe what you've just said, your existence is meaningless enough for it to be a true statement anyway.Sweatpants and a messy bun waaaaaaay high on the top of your head oughta do it.
Step two: Practice your drinking. Since you've got no one tying you down, you have LOTS of downtime to get good at something. If you really wanna do "single" properly, you're gonna wanna get real good at drinking. Large quantities in small amounts of time is the preferable method.
Step three: When you've succeeded at drinking thirty times your body weight, make sure you make a fool of yourself at every given opportunity. Yelling things like "It's fine, I don't need no man!" while you're puking up your last six Jager shots into the toilet at the dive bar you're at means you're a champ. People respect you!
Step four: Speaking of people respect you, make sure you have LOTS of sex with LOTS of different people! This sends out the message that you're a cool girl with no strings attached. It also sends out the message that you're a whore... which wouldn't be okay if you weren't single. More wins! Don't forget to abandon rule one. If you're gonna BE a whore, you're gonna have to dress the part.
Step five: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about how relationships suck and you don't need no man.
Step five: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about alcohol.
Step six: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about drinking alcohol.
Step seven: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about puking up alcohol.. and possibly your stomach lining.
Step eight: Bitch about how many fucking pictures of some acquaintance's wedding are crampin' your style on your Facebook timeline. Then hide 'em all. Then drink some more alcohol.
Step nine: Do a shot every time your friends upload boring pictures of their babies. (only the boring ones though -- cute ones deserve their moment in the sun. you're single, not heartless.)
Step ten: Realize you're tired of being single. Date a douchebag. Dump a douchebag. Drink more alcohol. Go back to step one.
Step two: Practice your drinking. Since you've got no one tying you down, you have LOTS of downtime to get good at something. If you really wanna do "single" properly, you're gonna wanna get real good at drinking. Large quantities in small amounts of time is the preferable method.
Step three: When you've succeeded at drinking thirty times your body weight, make sure you make a fool of yourself at every given opportunity. Yelling things like "It's fine, I don't need no man!" while you're puking up your last six Jager shots into the toilet at the dive bar you're at means you're a champ. People respect you!
Step four: Speaking of people respect you, make sure you have LOTS of sex with LOTS of different people! This sends out the message that you're a cool girl with no strings attached. It also sends out the message that you're a whore... which wouldn't be okay if you weren't single. More wins! Don't forget to abandon rule one. If you're gonna BE a whore, you're gonna have to dress the part.
Step five: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about how relationships suck and you don't need no man.
Step five: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about alcohol.
Step six: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about drinking alcohol.
Step seven: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about puking up alcohol.. and possibly your stomach lining.
Step eight: Bitch about how many fucking pictures of some acquaintance's wedding are crampin' your style on your Facebook timeline. Then hide 'em all. Then drink some more alcohol.
Step nine: Do a shot every time your friends upload boring pictures of their babies. (only the boring ones though -- cute ones deserve their moment in the sun. you're single, not heartless.)
Step ten: Realize you're tired of being single. Date a douchebag. Dump a douchebag. Drink more alcohol. Go back to step one.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
ADDENDUM! ADDENDUM! FIFTY SHADES OF ADDENDUMS!
In my last post I mentioned that I couldn't really give a tangible personification of the realityness of the characters in Fifty Shades of Grey. Or I couldn't picture the characters clearly in my brain, to the layperson.
WELL, this morning, I was laying in bed playing "what day is it?" when it hit me like a whip on the ass in the Red Room of Pain... Christian Grey is Sterling Archer in my mind.
For anyone who's never SEEN Archer, first of all I pity you and second of all.. here's a little visual aid:
Yes. A cartoon. But in my brain he's not a cartoon, he's a person.. who looks identical to this. Sans pug.
Or maybe something more akin to this:
I don't know. Either way, this is the first cartoon to ever have given me a total boner. And for that, I commend you, Sterling Archer!
DANGER ZONE!
WELL, this morning, I was laying in bed playing "what day is it?" when it hit me like a whip on the ass in the Red Room of Pain... Christian Grey is Sterling Archer in my mind.
For anyone who's never SEEN Archer, first of all I pity you and second of all.. here's a little visual aid:
Or maybe something more akin to this:
DANGER ZONE!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Fifty Shades of Grey = Fifty Hours of Masturbation
So, anyone with a face knows about Fifty Shades of Grey by now, right? I mean, even the bath salt guy's naked Miami dinner guest and the guard surrounding Hannibal Lecter's prison cage know about what's being referred to as "mommy porn".
Let me tell you why I LOVED FSoG... (potential spoilers ahoy - character driven, not really plot-driven)
- The sexual tension in the first few chapters is absolutely palpable. You know what kind of book you're reading and you're like "Hey. Will you two get to fucking already so I can have some ammo for the cannon please?". And eventually they do.
- The underlying story of why Christian Grey is so fucked up constantly leaves you wanting more. Tidbits of information followed by huge romantic gestures or sexual encounters keep the story going in a really great and a really delicious way.
- This book doesn't remind me of anything and I love that. I'm not making this book into another book I've read. The characters are also pretty relatable, which is nice in a book with some broad content.
- I have no picture in my head of who Ana Steele or Christian Grey are. They have no image in my mind. It's like they're blurry. And normally I'd be incredibly frustrated by that, but I kind of enjoy it.
- This book is an easy read. There's no fancy intricacies or lines to read between. It's a story held together by a lot of fucked up situations, a lot of sweet romantic moments and a LOT of a sex.
- It's easy to masturbate to. I assume. I haven't used it as ammo, but I'd be a liar if I said I wouldn't let Christian Grey fuck me four ways from Sunday, if I'm not being too subtle.
Honestly, my only hope is that they do NOT turn this into a movie. I know Hollywood will because the rights have already been sold and it's like not bothering to cash in on a gold mine, but there's something sacred about the book (and not just for this particular book. for all book to movie transitions!). Movies typically ruin how things looked in your head.
Plus, why don't they just bring David Duchovny out of Californication for a day to do the Red Shoe Diaries version of Fifty Shades of Grey? I mean, that's really all it would end up being is softcore porn.
Except for the flogging.
Laters, baby.
Let me tell you why I LOVED FSoG... (potential spoilers ahoy - character driven, not really plot-driven)
- The sexual tension in the first few chapters is absolutely palpable. You know what kind of book you're reading and you're like "Hey. Will you two get to fucking already so I can have some ammo for the cannon please?". And eventually they do.
- The underlying story of why Christian Grey is so fucked up constantly leaves you wanting more. Tidbits of information followed by huge romantic gestures or sexual encounters keep the story going in a really great and a really delicious way.
- This book doesn't remind me of anything and I love that. I'm not making this book into another book I've read. The characters are also pretty relatable, which is nice in a book with some broad content.
- I have no picture in my head of who Ana Steele or Christian Grey are. They have no image in my mind. It's like they're blurry. And normally I'd be incredibly frustrated by that, but I kind of enjoy it.
- This book is an easy read. There's no fancy intricacies or lines to read between. It's a story held together by a lot of fucked up situations, a lot of sweet romantic moments and a LOT of a sex.
- It's easy to masturbate to. I assume. I haven't used it as ammo, but I'd be a liar if I said I wouldn't let Christian Grey fuck me four ways from Sunday, if I'm not being too subtle.
Honestly, my only hope is that they do NOT turn this into a movie. I know Hollywood will because the rights have already been sold and it's like not bothering to cash in on a gold mine, but there's something sacred about the book (and not just for this particular book. for all book to movie transitions!). Movies typically ruin how things looked in your head.
Plus, why don't they just bring David Duchovny out of Californication for a day to do the Red Shoe Diaries version of Fifty Shades of Grey? I mean, that's really all it would end up being is softcore porn.
Except for the flogging.
Laters, baby.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Celebrating Father's Day with Daddy Issues
( please read this post with the image of me presenting it in a completely obnoxiously happy manner! big smiles! it's funny, not depressing! :D )
As everyone knows, Sunday is Father's Day. This is where you yell "OH SHIT!" and go get your old man a card. Make sure it plays an obnoxious song when you open it. Dad's love that shit.
Hahahaha, just kidding. I have no idea what dads love.
Anyway, if you're lucky enough to have a father who's not a complete piece of shit, you're all set for Sunday. But if your dad is a walking dickmouth with too many illegitimate children, you stick with me, kid! I've got the perfect day planned for ya!
Step one - Sleep in. You deserve this. Somewhere there's a slutty whore bouncin' on your dad's balls. The least you can do is stay asleep long enough to forget that fact.
Step two - Call your mom. She's probably been pretty badass to compensate for what a crumpled sack of discarded foreskin your father is. Then invite her out for lunch. Even though she doesn't have a penis, she's still more of a dad than your dad is! Chin up! The day's only getting better!
Step three - Eat lunch with your mom so you can both get hammered and talk about how much you hate your dad.
Step four - Drive your mom home completely shitfaced. Remember, you both deserve it. Balls.
Step five - Call your friends that are finished hanging out with their actually awesome dads and then go out and continue getting hammered.
Step six - With your beer balls intact, create a wordy Facebook status about what a shit your dad is and how cool your mom is. Get your half siblings to "like" and "comment" on it.
Step seven - Yell "Happy Father's Day" while downing three tablespoons of NyQuil and then see how long you can fight to stay awake.
Step eight - Unconscious bliss.
And if your dad is actually a good dad, then be nice and get him that singing card. Still get hammered with your mom though. Remember, you deserve it.
Cheers! :D
As everyone knows, Sunday is Father's Day. This is where you yell "OH SHIT!" and go get your old man a card. Make sure it plays an obnoxious song when you open it. Dad's love that shit.
Hahahaha, just kidding. I have no idea what dads love.
Anyway, if you're lucky enough to have a father who's not a complete piece of shit, you're all set for Sunday. But if your dad is a walking dickmouth with too many illegitimate children, you stick with me, kid! I've got the perfect day planned for ya!
Step one - Sleep in. You deserve this. Somewhere there's a slutty whore bouncin' on your dad's balls. The least you can do is stay asleep long enough to forget that fact.
Step two - Call your mom. She's probably been pretty badass to compensate for what a crumpled sack of discarded foreskin your father is. Then invite her out for lunch. Even though she doesn't have a penis, she's still more of a dad than your dad is! Chin up! The day's only getting better!
Step three - Eat lunch with your mom so you can both get hammered and talk about how much you hate your dad.
Step four - Drive your mom home completely shitfaced. Remember, you both deserve it. Balls.
Step five - Call your friends that are finished hanging out with their actually awesome dads and then go out and continue getting hammered.
Step six - With your beer balls intact, create a wordy Facebook status about what a shit your dad is and how cool your mom is. Get your half siblings to "like" and "comment" on it.
Step seven - Yell "Happy Father's Day" while downing three tablespoons of NyQuil and then see how long you can fight to stay awake.
Step eight - Unconscious bliss.
And if your dad is actually a good dad, then be nice and get him that singing card. Still get hammered with your mom though. Remember, you deserve it.
Cheers! :D
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Today's Random Brainleak...
I have a love for cheese, but choose to eat the vegan substitutes.
House plants freak me the fuck out.
Coffee turns me into a hyper freak.
I have never seen The Notebook.
I often make up songs about "putting on my whore face" to songs that already exist while I get ready for a night out. One day I'll film it.. cause it's really funny. To me, anyway. Last time it was a Meet Me in St. Louis medley. Wish I'd gotten that one on film.
I get bored with a season after a month. Needless to say, I'm ready for fall.
I will kick ANYONE'S ass in MarioKart.
I only kill hookers in GTA.
I like to get high and play Silent Hill.. cause it's scary, which in turn is fucking hilarious.
I like to get high in general.
I don't as often as I'd like.
My dog gets mad when I leave.
My liver gets mad when I drink too much.
You can imagine we fight a lot.
The day they figure out how to make cigarettes not kill you, I will smoke a whole pack.
I can tap dance.
There's no filter from my brain to my mouth.
My car needs an oil change.
I love to go camping in the summer.
If tattoos were erasable, I'd get a hundred of 'em. And then erase 'em all. America!
I speak (almost) fluent French. I guess that'd be "conversational" French.
When I was younger, I'd read a novel and then read it backwards. Sounds weird. It is weird.
I'm ridiculously punctual.. except when I go to work. I'm always fifteen minutes late.
I despise bad manners.
When I was four, I punched my cousin's friend in the face because she was yelling at me to get off the slide.
I only really talk to a handful of people from high school.
I went to two high schools because I got pulled out of the first one.. for.. well, for my behavior. Let's just say that.
I moved to New York by myself when I was 20.
I moved back to Chicago when I was 21 because I ran out of money and my roommate was bleeding me dry.
I firmly believe in fate and signs and the like.
Pants suck.
Being the Count from Sesame Street must be SO cool.
I want to ride a brontosaurus.
There's no greater joy to me than making someone who is truly funny themselves laugh really hard.
The Kids in the Hall need to fucking tour again. STAT.
I need a PS3.
Or a 360.
Or a banana.
Or a bottle of Jack.
Or to shut the fuck up.
House plants freak me the fuck out.
Coffee turns me into a hyper freak.
I have never seen The Notebook.
I often make up songs about "putting on my whore face" to songs that already exist while I get ready for a night out. One day I'll film it.. cause it's really funny. To me, anyway. Last time it was a Meet Me in St. Louis medley. Wish I'd gotten that one on film.
I get bored with a season after a month. Needless to say, I'm ready for fall.
I will kick ANYONE'S ass in MarioKart.
I only kill hookers in GTA.
I like to get high and play Silent Hill.. cause it's scary, which in turn is fucking hilarious.
I like to get high in general.
I don't as often as I'd like.
My dog gets mad when I leave.
My liver gets mad when I drink too much.
You can imagine we fight a lot.
The day they figure out how to make cigarettes not kill you, I will smoke a whole pack.
I can tap dance.
There's no filter from my brain to my mouth.
My car needs an oil change.
I love to go camping in the summer.
If tattoos were erasable, I'd get a hundred of 'em. And then erase 'em all. America!
I speak (almost) fluent French. I guess that'd be "conversational" French.
When I was younger, I'd read a novel and then read it backwards. Sounds weird. It is weird.
I'm ridiculously punctual.. except when I go to work. I'm always fifteen minutes late.
I despise bad manners.
When I was four, I punched my cousin's friend in the face because she was yelling at me to get off the slide.
I only really talk to a handful of people from high school.
I went to two high schools because I got pulled out of the first one.. for.. well, for my behavior. Let's just say that.
I moved to New York by myself when I was 20.
I moved back to Chicago when I was 21 because I ran out of money and my roommate was bleeding me dry.
I firmly believe in fate and signs and the like.
Pants suck.
Being the Count from Sesame Street must be SO cool.
I want to ride a brontosaurus.
There's no greater joy to me than making someone who is truly funny themselves laugh really hard.
The Kids in the Hall need to fucking tour again. STAT.
I need a PS3.
Or a 360.
Or a banana.
Or a bottle of Jack.
Or to shut the fuck up.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Amanda Bynes is Crazy... OR IS SHE??
Back in April, Amanda Bynes was reported as being arrested for a DUI. Not at all uncommon these days, but still always unfortunate to see a beloved child actor get busted for shit like that... though it reminds us they're human. Also around this time, Bynes was allegedly the driver in a few hit and run cases.
Amanda's DUI mugshot:
Now, the world had forgotten about this. Old news. DUIs become old news real fast these days, as they're so plentiful. Common knowledge, right?
Well, about a month and a half later, Miz Bynes takes to her Twitter to say that the DUI is basically bullshit and everyone is making up stories. Um... what? Then where did that beautiful mugshot come from, dear? Alright, whatever. Maybe she's just fucking around.
Until yesterday...
When Bynes took to her Twitter to ask Obama (who I'm sure would love to take time out of his busy schedule to make sure the cop who arrested a Hollywood C-list celebrity drops her DUI and loses his job) to assess the situation. The degree of her seriousness of involving the President is TBD, but if the DUI is false and you don't drink, WHY are you being arrested?
And then I thought.. I spent a lot of years trying to keep up with Lindsay Lohan's drama before it got ridiculous.. and I do have a theory. Hollywood, especially the young woman partying side of Hollywood, seem to be like some kind of optical illusion. The audience, the reader, the voyeur is typically only given a quarter of the story. Who's to say this girl WASN'T drinking? Cop sets up a paparazzo, makes some side cash on a starlet's DUI. Who's to say the woman working in the jewelry store didn't say "Try this on, Miss Lohan, now let me distract you with a bunch of other stuff on purpose so you forget you're wearing it and I can call you a thief and take all your money in court"? I mean, seriously. It's really hard to say what's true. So as crazy as I thought Amanda Bynes sounded at first, maybe she really didn't do it.
Hollywood is a scary fucking place.
Unless you're just visiting. Then it's lovely.
Amanda's DUI mugshot:
Now, the world had forgotten about this. Old news. DUIs become old news real fast these days, as they're so plentiful. Common knowledge, right?
Well, about a month and a half later, Miz Bynes takes to her Twitter to say that the DUI is basically bullshit and everyone is making up stories. Um... what? Then where did that beautiful mugshot come from, dear? Alright, whatever. Maybe she's just fucking around.
Until yesterday...
When Bynes took to her Twitter to ask Obama (who I'm sure would love to take time out of his busy schedule to make sure the cop who arrested a Hollywood C-list celebrity drops her DUI and loses his job) to assess the situation. The degree of her seriousness of involving the President is TBD, but if the DUI is false and you don't drink, WHY are you being arrested?
And then I thought.. I spent a lot of years trying to keep up with Lindsay Lohan's drama before it got ridiculous.. and I do have a theory. Hollywood, especially the young woman partying side of Hollywood, seem to be like some kind of optical illusion. The audience, the reader, the voyeur is typically only given a quarter of the story. Who's to say this girl WASN'T drinking? Cop sets up a paparazzo, makes some side cash on a starlet's DUI. Who's to say the woman working in the jewelry store didn't say "Try this on, Miss Lohan, now let me distract you with a bunch of other stuff on purpose so you forget you're wearing it and I can call you a thief and take all your money in court"? I mean, seriously. It's really hard to say what's true. So as crazy as I thought Amanda Bynes sounded at first, maybe she really didn't do it.
Hollywood is a scary fucking place.
Unless you're just visiting. Then it's lovely.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
I Fucking Hate PediaSure Commercials..
First of all, PediaSure's slogan should be "PediaSure: For When You're Too Much of a Pussy to Make Your Kid Eat".
I have no issue with the PediaSure product itself. It's supplemental nutrients. I'm all for children's health.
It's the commercials I can't stand.
Each commercial starts with a mother at her child's mercy begging said child to eat.
<PROBLEM> As a parent, you should not BEG your kids to do anything. You are the parent! In my day, if you didn't eat what was in front of you, you didn't eat! Trust me, kids aren't fond of starvation.
Each commercial contains the paraphrased line "My kid is a picky eater".
<PROBLEM> Welcome to America. Where our asshole children are allowed to be picky about the myriad of food they're provided with.
And OF COURSE your son is running slow! He's dressed up like fucking french fries!
I guess these commercials grate on my every nerve with parents letting kids do whatever they want. No amount of PediaSure can replace the healthy foods Michelle Obama would like to Gallagher your children with. And I'm sure that's somewhere in the fine print on these stupid ass commercials.
I have no issue with the PediaSure product itself. It's supplemental nutrients. I'm all for children's health.
It's the commercials I can't stand.
Each commercial starts with a mother at her child's mercy begging said child to eat.
<PROBLEM> As a parent, you should not BEG your kids to do anything. You are the parent! In my day, if you didn't eat what was in front of you, you didn't eat! Trust me, kids aren't fond of starvation.
Each commercial contains the paraphrased line "My kid is a picky eater".
<PROBLEM> Welcome to America. Where our asshole children are allowed to be picky about the myriad of food they're provided with.
And OF COURSE your son is running slow! He's dressed up like fucking french fries!
I guess these commercials grate on my every nerve with parents letting kids do whatever they want. No amount of PediaSure can replace the healthy foods Michelle Obama would like to Gallagher your children with. And I'm sure that's somewhere in the fine print on these stupid ass commercials.
Justin Bieber..?
No, not Justin Bieber.
Well, sort of Justin Bieber.
Today I wanna talk to you about the difference between today's kids and 90s kids and if there really is a difference.
Disclaimer: This particular post will be incredibly biased as I did not grow up everywhere, with everyone of every type of general background. Although please note, I am not intentionally making this a biased post. I'm just telling you idiots what it is I know firsthand.
Now, I'm twenty six and for all intents and purposes, that's not all that old. Although, I guess anything after twenty five is "almost thirty".. until you get to thirty. Then you're dead. But only on the inside.
Anyhow, though I lived through some of the 80s, I'd technically call myself a child of the 90s. And over the past couple years, I've noticed how significantly different my childhood was from those of kids today. So let's see if we can narrow down some differences between the kids of the 90s and the kids of now, roughly around the age of 11/12.. (again, remember the bias) ((to further enhance my bias, I'd like you to know that I grew up extremely poor..))
90s: Girls my age liked boy bands. We obsessed. We called dibs on our favorites. We tore their posters out of Bop. This was life. It was not OUR PARENTS' lives.
Now: Girls like Justin Bieber, One Direction, etc.; you know, boy bands. They obsess. They call dibs. And so do their parents. And I'm sorry, but that's just fucking creepy. Hashtag icky.
90s: I don't know about you other 90s nimrods, but I didn't get my first cell phone until I was eighteen. Granted, I understand these technologies have advanced since I was a kid.
Now: Every kid over the age of four has a fucking iPhone.
90s: We played outside in the summer.
Now: They play PS3 in the summer. (I'm just jealous cause I want one)
90s: We read books. For fun!
Now: They read Twilight.. which has less substance to it than See Spot Run.
90s: We had Nick at Nite.
Now: They have Nick@Nite.
90s: We had shit like Gak and Floam... and Super Soakers.
Now: They have NOTHING on Gak and Floam... and especially not Super Soakers.
90s: We stole beers when our parents weren't looking.
Now: They distill hand sanitizer and drink it. Ha. Amateurs.
90s: Everything was not a hazard or a potentially life-threatening thing.
Now: Everything has a warning label and/or is bad for you and/or might definitely kill you... twice.
90s: We asked something of our parents. They said no. We bitched and complained. We got grounded.
Now: They ask something of their parents. They say no. They bitch and complain. They get it anyway.
I'm derailing a bit now, but kids today are just a different breed for the most part. And now I'm feeling totally nostalgic.
So, I'm gonna grab a freeze pop, put on my BK Knights and watch some Pete and Pete.
Well, sort of Justin Bieber.
Today I wanna talk to you about the difference between today's kids and 90s kids and if there really is a difference.
Disclaimer: This particular post will be incredibly biased as I did not grow up everywhere, with everyone of every type of general background. Although please note, I am not intentionally making this a biased post. I'm just telling you idiots what it is I know firsthand.
Now, I'm twenty six and for all intents and purposes, that's not all that old. Although, I guess anything after twenty five is "almost thirty".. until you get to thirty. Then you're dead. But only on the inside.
Anyhow, though I lived through some of the 80s, I'd technically call myself a child of the 90s. And over the past couple years, I've noticed how significantly different my childhood was from those of kids today. So let's see if we can narrow down some differences between the kids of the 90s and the kids of now, roughly around the age of 11/12.. (again, remember the bias) ((to further enhance my bias, I'd like you to know that I grew up extremely poor..))
90s: Girls my age liked boy bands. We obsessed. We called dibs on our favorites. We tore their posters out of Bop. This was life. It was not OUR PARENTS' lives.
Now: Girls like Justin Bieber, One Direction, etc.; you know, boy bands. They obsess. They call dibs. And so do their parents. And I'm sorry, but that's just fucking creepy. Hashtag icky.
90s: I don't know about you other 90s nimrods, but I didn't get my first cell phone until I was eighteen. Granted, I understand these technologies have advanced since I was a kid.
Now: Every kid over the age of four has a fucking iPhone.
90s: We played outside in the summer.
Now: They play PS3 in the summer. (I'm just jealous cause I want one)
90s: We read books. For fun!
Now: They read Twilight.. which has less substance to it than See Spot Run.
90s: We had Nick at Nite.
Now: They have Nick@Nite.
90s: We had shit like Gak and Floam... and Super Soakers.
Now: They have NOTHING on Gak and Floam... and especially not Super Soakers.
90s: We stole beers when our parents weren't looking.
Now: They distill hand sanitizer and drink it. Ha. Amateurs.
90s: Everything was not a hazard or a potentially life-threatening thing.
Now: Everything has a warning label and/or is bad for you and/or might definitely kill you... twice.
90s: We asked something of our parents. They said no. We bitched and complained. We got grounded.
Now: They ask something of their parents. They say no. They bitch and complain. They get it anyway.
I'm derailing a bit now, but kids today are just a different breed for the most part. And now I'm feeling totally nostalgic.
So, I'm gonna grab a freeze pop, put on my BK Knights and watch some Pete and Pete.
Buying Your Girlfriend a Gift She'll Love...
Now, a lot of my blogs are more geared toward advice for the ladies, I suppose. I try to keep my advice and opinions relatively unbiased as far as gender and sexuality go. However, in my opinion, this is an area that men need more help with than women typically do.
So, in the instance you need to buy your lady something for a special occasion, let me tell you how. You take your left ear and your right ear, and you fucking LISTEN. Cause six out of seven cardiologists agree that she's probably already told you several times what she'd be interested in you buying her.
Women drop hints hard about what they want. Some women even flat out say it!
"Oh, I love that necklace. If you can't think of something to get me for Christmas, get me that necklace..."
That doesn't mean buy her a random season of The Waltons, a cubic zirconia ring from Walmart and a homemade coupon for "one free boning session - with no expiration date".
It means, "Hey. I want that fucking necklace... and I'm probably gonna be pretty pissed if you get me something shitty."
Now while I don't necessarily condone that last statement, I do understand it. I'm not big on "things" in general. I mean I like weird, random shit... but like jewelry, fancy knick knacks, decor, etc... Not wild about em. But if there's something I have my heart set on and you get me a shittier version of a shittier version of what I want (yes, I meant to say that twice), I'm probably gonna be disheartened. Yes, I hear how terrible that sounds. Personally, I'd never be outwardly disappointed. The fact that someone thought enough to get me a gift, even if not exactly what I'd anticipated is delightful in itself. But I digress.
So fellas, if you're struggling with what to get your pal with the vagina for a special occasion, just fucking listen. She'll tell ya. And if she doesn't, just ask. And not the night before. Idiot.
And ladies, if you find yourself struggling with what to get the majestic penis in your life, just get him something fancy and impractical that you can play with too.
There's a dirty joke in there somewhere. I trust you all to find it.
So, in the instance you need to buy your lady something for a special occasion, let me tell you how. You take your left ear and your right ear, and you fucking LISTEN. Cause six out of seven cardiologists agree that she's probably already told you several times what she'd be interested in you buying her.
Women drop hints hard about what they want. Some women even flat out say it!
"Oh, I love that necklace. If you can't think of something to get me for Christmas, get me that necklace..."
That doesn't mean buy her a random season of The Waltons, a cubic zirconia ring from Walmart and a homemade coupon for "one free boning session - with no expiration date".
It means, "Hey. I want that fucking necklace... and I'm probably gonna be pretty pissed if you get me something shitty."
Now while I don't necessarily condone that last statement, I do understand it. I'm not big on "things" in general. I mean I like weird, random shit... but like jewelry, fancy knick knacks, decor, etc... Not wild about em. But if there's something I have my heart set on and you get me a shittier version of a shittier version of what I want (yes, I meant to say that twice), I'm probably gonna be disheartened. Yes, I hear how terrible that sounds. Personally, I'd never be outwardly disappointed. The fact that someone thought enough to get me a gift, even if not exactly what I'd anticipated is delightful in itself. But I digress.
So fellas, if you're struggling with what to get your pal with the vagina for a special occasion, just fucking listen. She'll tell ya. And if she doesn't, just ask. And not the night before. Idiot.
And ladies, if you find yourself struggling with what to get the majestic penis in your life, just get him something fancy and impractical that you can play with too.
There's a dirty joke in there somewhere. I trust you all to find it.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Hi, me? It's me. Have we met?
My turning point in life was post an aforementioned break up from a three year relationship. When your world feels shattered, albeit only very briefly (yes! heartbreak DOES go away, contrary to popular belief!), you have no choice but to find where you went wrong, fix it and move forward.
So, this is a two part jeshface lesson today, kids..
Part One.
How to break up and deal with a break up.
If you find yourself in a situation where you're unhappy in your relationship or you just feel that it's time to move on, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. Having that feeling at all is definitely an indicator that no matter how hard your brain wants to be in this shit for the long haul, your heart is just not in it. And that's not fair to the person you're subjecting your half-hearted bullshit to. So, the next step is obviously to break up. And for this, there is no good advice. There's no GOOD way to break up. But here are are a few, hopefully really fucking obvious "don't"s.
1- Don't break up over the phone. I don't care if you've been dating two years or two days. Breaking up over some medium that is not your face to his/her face is a pussy's way out and so fucking tacky.
2- Don't do it in a public arena. The voyeur in all of us would love to watch a relationship fall apart on TV, but no one wants to watch it happen in life.
3- Don't do it out of the blue. When one person thinks everything is peachy and the other one knows they're about to shatter your heart, that breakup is gonna fucking sting like a thousand god damn bees. And I'm allergic. (irrelevant.)
4- Don't do it on a holiday, birthday, anniversary or weekend... unless provoked. That's just shitty.
5- Don't do it over and over again. Break up and get back together ONCE. If you're still on again/off again after that, 9 out of 10 dentists agree that you're not gonna fucking last. So give it up.
So, now you've broken up/been broken up with. Which leads me to part two of part one of today's lesson. Ya got that?
How to Deal with a Breakup.
Let me take you back to July 3rd, 2010. It was a normal day. I was looking forward to some particular outing that night with my boyfriend and his family. But my boyfriend was particularly moody and quiet, which was odd for him because he was typically the most talkative, outgoing sonofabitch in the room. We were sitting in my living room making fun of 16 and Pregnant. Then there was a commercial. Then he said those three words that no one in a relationship ever wants to hear. "We need to talk". Four words. Not three. Jesus, I gotta stop drinking.
From there, obviously we had broken up. There was no real reason and I was too hurt to ask, but it was over. I cried like a little girl and stormed out of my own house with my dog and just went for a walk. When I came back, he was still there... so I took to my most trusted defense mechanism, putting on my strong, "I don't give a fuck" face (heh.. fuckface) and went in the house. I took off the ring he bought me, left it in the bathroom and led him out the door.
Then it was like my entire face melted into a sea of tears. I laid on my bedroom floor for hours. Crying uncontrollably. What had just happened? The man I had planned to marry, my whole world, the one person I felt I could truly trust was out of my life possibly forever. I spent the entire next day like this. Crying uncontrollably at pretty much everything. It was the 4th of July and we had so many plans for the 4th.
Now, if you're feeling bummed about heartbroken jeshface, let me tell you what happened the following day. I had this day off work thanks to the holiday. I woke up and I decided to go out. To go do something. To not LIVE in my pain. And you know what? It fucking worked. People criticize me for my "excessive partying", which is not at all excessive, but getting out and living life for yourself is the best way to handle a breakup. It sounds unhealthy because you're basically just avoiding your emotions, but eventually you'll have to find some closure anyhow. If you're keeping your brain at a distance from your pain, dealing with the reality isn't going to be as hard.
And yes, exes can be friends. I still consider the aforementioned ex one of my very best friends and a person I'd be very sad if I didn't know.
It took me three days to get over the tears and the hurt. I found my closure about two months later. So you see, heartbreak isn't forever no matter the longevity of the relationship. Life absolutely goes on and only gets better.. Treat every relationship as a learning experience.
And this leads me to my final lesson.
How to live for yourself without seeming like a selfish dick.
The one thing most of us forget about when we're in relationships is how to live for one's self. I certainly did. Everything is "what if"s about him/her or "what can I do for" him/her. You forget you. That's not necessarily a bad thing. That's love. That's selflessness. It's a beautiful thing.
However, living solely for other people and never doing you is a terrible thing. Theoretically, we only have one shot at life.. So ask yourself... "Why am I spending MY life not living for ME?". Why have a lifetime of doing things you don't wanna do to not incur the wrath of others? That's no life at all.
Now here's how to do it without seeming like such a selfish dick...
1- Make plans sometimes. When you make plans, you don't leave much of a window for interruption or interception. Be spontaneous often, but make plans as well.
2- Be honest. Most of my posts seem to come back to my deep love of honesty. But honesty can fix and be preventative maintenance on a lot of life's problems. If your friend asks you to go do something with him/her and you don't want to, instead of saying "I gotta dye my grandma's hair", say "I'm not really feelin' it tonight. Maybe another time.". And how they react is their problem, not yours. That sounds terrible, but it's true. Oprah once said some shit about how our lives are based on our reactions to others' actions. And for once, that broad kinda makes some sense.
3- Speak freely and know to whom you are speaking. (and don't end a sentence with a preposition)
Our friends and significant others are supposed to be our second family. They're supposed to be the ones we can go to with anything. So trust them with your words and trust them with your life. And if you can't trust them, maybe you should just throw 'em outta your car on the expressway. Or just reevaluate your friendship. That one might be a better choice.
4- Be a selfless friend and a selfless lover. Do anything for those that love you. Not as a means to be on good graces until your next fuck up, but as a means to understand love and how powerful it is. But mistake me not, "selfless" doesn't mean "doormat". Don't ever be a doormat for anyone. Which leads me to #5.
5- Stand up for yourself. When people are pushing you around or treating you like shit, you call them out on it. That's not to say you stand up in front of their parents and yell obscenities at them. But make sure they know when they grind your gears. Don't let anyone treat you like shit. ANYONE. Because no one deserves that.
Take these knowledge bombs. Make yourself happier. Look at the people you surround yourself with. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my post-breakup epiphany doesn't strike you as hard as it strikes me... Well.. maybe you suck and I'm awesome.
I need a drink.
So, this is a two part jeshface lesson today, kids..
Part One.
How to break up and deal with a break up.
If you find yourself in a situation where you're unhappy in your relationship or you just feel that it's time to move on, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. Having that feeling at all is definitely an indicator that no matter how hard your brain wants to be in this shit for the long haul, your heart is just not in it. And that's not fair to the person you're subjecting your half-hearted bullshit to. So, the next step is obviously to break up. And for this, there is no good advice. There's no GOOD way to break up. But here are are a few, hopefully really fucking obvious "don't"s.
1- Don't break up over the phone. I don't care if you've been dating two years or two days. Breaking up over some medium that is not your face to his/her face is a pussy's way out and so fucking tacky.
2- Don't do it in a public arena. The voyeur in all of us would love to watch a relationship fall apart on TV, but no one wants to watch it happen in life.
3- Don't do it out of the blue. When one person thinks everything is peachy and the other one knows they're about to shatter your heart, that breakup is gonna fucking sting like a thousand god damn bees. And I'm allergic. (irrelevant.)
4- Don't do it on a holiday, birthday, anniversary or weekend... unless provoked. That's just shitty.
5- Don't do it over and over again. Break up and get back together ONCE. If you're still on again/off again after that, 9 out of 10 dentists agree that you're not gonna fucking last. So give it up.
So, now you've broken up/been broken up with. Which leads me to part two of part one of today's lesson. Ya got that?
How to Deal with a Breakup.
Let me take you back to July 3rd, 2010. It was a normal day. I was looking forward to some particular outing that night with my boyfriend and his family. But my boyfriend was particularly moody and quiet, which was odd for him because he was typically the most talkative, outgoing sonofabitch in the room. We were sitting in my living room making fun of 16 and Pregnant. Then there was a commercial. Then he said those three words that no one in a relationship ever wants to hear. "We need to talk". Four words. Not three. Jesus, I gotta stop drinking.
From there, obviously we had broken up. There was no real reason and I was too hurt to ask, but it was over. I cried like a little girl and stormed out of my own house with my dog and just went for a walk. When I came back, he was still there... so I took to my most trusted defense mechanism, putting on my strong, "I don't give a fuck" face (heh.. fuckface) and went in the house. I took off the ring he bought me, left it in the bathroom and led him out the door.
Then it was like my entire face melted into a sea of tears. I laid on my bedroom floor for hours. Crying uncontrollably. What had just happened? The man I had planned to marry, my whole world, the one person I felt I could truly trust was out of my life possibly forever. I spent the entire next day like this. Crying uncontrollably at pretty much everything. It was the 4th of July and we had so many plans for the 4th.
Now, if you're feeling bummed about heartbroken jeshface, let me tell you what happened the following day. I had this day off work thanks to the holiday. I woke up and I decided to go out. To go do something. To not LIVE in my pain. And you know what? It fucking worked. People criticize me for my "excessive partying", which is not at all excessive, but getting out and living life for yourself is the best way to handle a breakup. It sounds unhealthy because you're basically just avoiding your emotions, but eventually you'll have to find some closure anyhow. If you're keeping your brain at a distance from your pain, dealing with the reality isn't going to be as hard.
And yes, exes can be friends. I still consider the aforementioned ex one of my very best friends and a person I'd be very sad if I didn't know.
It took me three days to get over the tears and the hurt. I found my closure about two months later. So you see, heartbreak isn't forever no matter the longevity of the relationship. Life absolutely goes on and only gets better.. Treat every relationship as a learning experience.
And this leads me to my final lesson.
How to live for yourself without seeming like a selfish dick.
The one thing most of us forget about when we're in relationships is how to live for one's self. I certainly did. Everything is "what if"s about him/her or "what can I do for" him/her. You forget you. That's not necessarily a bad thing. That's love. That's selflessness. It's a beautiful thing.
However, living solely for other people and never doing you is a terrible thing. Theoretically, we only have one shot at life.. So ask yourself... "Why am I spending MY life not living for ME?". Why have a lifetime of doing things you don't wanna do to not incur the wrath of others? That's no life at all.
Now here's how to do it without seeming like such a selfish dick...
1- Make plans sometimes. When you make plans, you don't leave much of a window for interruption or interception. Be spontaneous often, but make plans as well.
2- Be honest. Most of my posts seem to come back to my deep love of honesty. But honesty can fix and be preventative maintenance on a lot of life's problems. If your friend asks you to go do something with him/her and you don't want to, instead of saying "I gotta dye my grandma's hair", say "I'm not really feelin' it tonight. Maybe another time.". And how they react is their problem, not yours. That sounds terrible, but it's true. Oprah once said some shit about how our lives are based on our reactions to others' actions. And for once, that broad kinda makes some sense.
3- Speak freely and know to whom you are speaking. (and don't end a sentence with a preposition)
Our friends and significant others are supposed to be our second family. They're supposed to be the ones we can go to with anything. So trust them with your words and trust them with your life. And if you can't trust them, maybe you should just throw 'em outta your car on the expressway. Or just reevaluate your friendship. That one might be a better choice.
4- Be a selfless friend and a selfless lover. Do anything for those that love you. Not as a means to be on good graces until your next fuck up, but as a means to understand love and how powerful it is. But mistake me not, "selfless" doesn't mean "doormat". Don't ever be a doormat for anyone. Which leads me to #5.
5- Stand up for yourself. When people are pushing you around or treating you like shit, you call them out on it. That's not to say you stand up in front of their parents and yell obscenities at them. But make sure they know when they grind your gears. Don't let anyone treat you like shit. ANYONE. Because no one deserves that.
Take these knowledge bombs. Make yourself happier. Look at the people you surround yourself with. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my post-breakup epiphany doesn't strike you as hard as it strikes me... Well.. maybe you suck and I'm awesome.
I need a drink.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
People Who Drop Their Emotional Baggage All Over Facebook...
Let me preface this post by saying that this has nothing to do with expressing emotion on Facebook. Sometimes a cryptic lyric as a status really just feels good to put out there. We've all been there, I'm pretty sure we've all done it. At least I have. If you haven't, well... you're probably much better off than the rest of us, you pompous dick.
This post was actually first inspired by one of my Facebook friends, who for all intents and purposes we'll call Judy. Now, Judy is particularly annoying anyway. She likes attention. A LOT. She likes to lie and bullshit in order to get said attention. Frankly, people who know Judy well enough always know when she's making shit up. And I, being one of them, will gladly call her out on it at every opportunity.
One night, thanks to the NEW "I-CAN-SEE-EVERYTHING-EVERYONE-DOES-AT-ANY-FUCKING-MOMENT" Facebook (Touche, Zuckerberg), I saw Judy saw it fit to leave a big, long message on her boyfriend's Facebook wall about what a shitty boyfriend he is. Petty things too. Nothing life-altering or even relationship-altering. Just petty bullshit arguments that all couples tend to have now and again. Regardless, the post was the equivalent of about three paragraphs, if she had any knowledge of grammar or punctuation or even knew how to separate paragraphs properly.
My first thought was "Wow, he must've really pissed her off this time.."... which was immediately interrupted by my next thought; "Why the FUCK are you putting this on Facebook?!!". My answer to the latter is quite simple and was explained earlier in this post. Judy loves attention. She wants everyone to see how "poorly" she's treated, to gain everyone's pretend sympathy.
So I thought on it for a little while and realized how inappropriate it is to hash out relationship problems on Facebook where everyone can see. Obviously, I would think. I didn't think on it again until I saw another one of my Facebook friends do it to HER boyfriend. Then I thought, WHAT THE FUCK?! Is this how relationships and general communication (salute!) are actually happening now?! What's next? Is your boss gonna tell you you're getting promoted by poking you on your Facebook wall? Is your dog gonna tell you it needs to be walked through Facebook chat?
The long-winded point I'm trying to make here is to keep your relationship squabbles PRIVATE. Because first of all, it's nobody's business but yours.. and secondly NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. We all have our own relationship stuff to deal with and the last thing we need is to have to bear witness to someone else's.
And also, if I get another game request today, I'm going to lose my shit.
Thanks.
This post was actually first inspired by one of my Facebook friends, who for all intents and purposes we'll call Judy. Now, Judy is particularly annoying anyway. She likes attention. A LOT. She likes to lie and bullshit in order to get said attention. Frankly, people who know Judy well enough always know when she's making shit up. And I, being one of them, will gladly call her out on it at every opportunity.
One night, thanks to the NEW "I-CAN-SEE-EVERYTHING-EVERYONE-DOES-AT-ANY-FUCKING-MOMENT" Facebook (Touche, Zuckerberg), I saw Judy saw it fit to leave a big, long message on her boyfriend's Facebook wall about what a shitty boyfriend he is. Petty things too. Nothing life-altering or even relationship-altering. Just petty bullshit arguments that all couples tend to have now and again. Regardless, the post was the equivalent of about three paragraphs, if she had any knowledge of grammar or punctuation or even knew how to separate paragraphs properly.
My first thought was "Wow, he must've really pissed her off this time.."... which was immediately interrupted by my next thought; "Why the FUCK are you putting this on Facebook?!!". My answer to the latter is quite simple and was explained earlier in this post. Judy loves attention. She wants everyone to see how "poorly" she's treated, to gain everyone's pretend sympathy.
So I thought on it for a little while and realized how inappropriate it is to hash out relationship problems on Facebook where everyone can see. Obviously, I would think. I didn't think on it again until I saw another one of my Facebook friends do it to HER boyfriend. Then I thought, WHAT THE FUCK?! Is this how relationships and general communication (salute!) are actually happening now?! What's next? Is your boss gonna tell you you're getting promoted by poking you on your Facebook wall? Is your dog gonna tell you it needs to be walked through Facebook chat?
The long-winded point I'm trying to make here is to keep your relationship squabbles PRIVATE. Because first of all, it's nobody's business but yours.. and secondly NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. We all have our own relationship stuff to deal with and the last thing we need is to have to bear witness to someone else's.
And also, if I get another game request today, I'm going to lose my shit.
Thanks.
Monday, May 7, 2012
#SingleGirlProblems?
So a friend of mine posted a link to a blog post of sorts on Facebook today... and it just so happened to be a topic I've been wanting to address, and kind of have been addressing little by little on my Twitter. The article (which I will link at the bottom of this post) was written by a twenty seven year old single woman who has reached the point in her life where everyone who reads her "single-life" activities on Facebook looks down their nose at her in one way or another.
I thought this was interesting. We all hit the "party phase" of our lives and this phase can last for different periods of time for different people. Personally, I never went to a university and got to experience getting trashed all the time in my late teens. Granted, I was trashed all the time in my late teens, but not at a college. But quite frankly, I'm in agreement with the writer of the post. I'd much rather read a Facebook status involving some ridiculous drunk hijinks than have to be assaulted by essentially the same photo of your not-old-enough-to-be-interesting-in-pictures-yet infant because you can't just put them all in one album at once and spare us all the agony of forcing your child's alien face down our respective throat.
I guess what I'm getting at here is.. I agree wholeheartedly with what this woman has to say. I just cannot put it quite as eloquently. So, here you are. Her words, which are worlds better than mine.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-people-who-judge-my-single-post-college-lifestyle
I thought this was interesting. We all hit the "party phase" of our lives and this phase can last for different periods of time for different people. Personally, I never went to a university and got to experience getting trashed all the time in my late teens. Granted, I was trashed all the time in my late teens, but not at a college. But quite frankly, I'm in agreement with the writer of the post. I'd much rather read a Facebook status involving some ridiculous drunk hijinks than have to be assaulted by essentially the same photo of your not-old-enough-to-be-interesting-in-pictures-yet infant because you can't just put them all in one album at once and spare us all the agony of forcing your child's alien face down our respective throat.
I guess what I'm getting at here is.. I agree wholeheartedly with what this woman has to say. I just cannot put it quite as eloquently. So, here you are. Her words, which are worlds better than mine.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-people-who-judge-my-single-post-college-lifestyle
Saturday, May 5, 2012
How to Throw a Cinco de Mayo House Party...
Well, kids, it's Cinco de Mayo and since I'm having a gathering this evening, I thought I might share with you the proper way to throw a house party.
Step one: Invites. Invite only the people you like/know are gonna come/aren't going to bring people you hate/don't break or steal shit/don't bring drama/who are willing to help you clean up the next day. The last one just builds character.
Step two: Booze and food. Make sure you have lots of it... because the consumption of both has two phases; gettin' the party started and carryin' it into the early hours of the morning. Also, make sure you have one really creative booze item to add to your party pizazz... I just said pizazz... Anyway. For example, tonight I am serving my own special recipe of mexican salad chicken wraps, a bevy of snacks, my homemade chips n salsa and vodka-soaked gummy bears! You see, most of my food is mexican food which means I am a true blue Cinco de Mayo... er. I also went balls to the wall and spent two hours making double rainbow cupcakes last night! I am also in possession of two cases of beer, a handle of tequila and a bottle of vodka. I think I'm ready.
Step three: Pretend you're Mexican. Then, consume all the booze you possibly can. Make sure to send drunk texts saying things to people you're too shy to say when you're not Cinco de Drunk. Then eat more of that food you made. Half of it's on the floor by now, but it's okay. Thirty minute rule. Play drinking games until you can't feel your face. Smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. Smoke a whole bunch of weed. Lose your pants. Pass out in the hallway. Spend the next day apologizing to yourself in the mirror.
OLE!
Step one: Invites. Invite only the people you like/know are gonna come/aren't going to bring people you hate/don't break or steal shit/don't bring drama/who are willing to help you clean up the next day. The last one just builds character.
Step two: Booze and food. Make sure you have lots of it... because the consumption of both has two phases; gettin' the party started and carryin' it into the early hours of the morning. Also, make sure you have one really creative booze item to add to your party pizazz... I just said pizazz... Anyway. For example, tonight I am serving my own special recipe of mexican salad chicken wraps, a bevy of snacks, my homemade chips n salsa and vodka-soaked gummy bears! You see, most of my food is mexican food which means I am a true blue Cinco de Mayo... er. I also went balls to the wall and spent two hours making double rainbow cupcakes last night! I am also in possession of two cases of beer, a handle of tequila and a bottle of vodka. I think I'm ready.
Step three: Pretend you're Mexican. Then, consume all the booze you possibly can. Make sure to send drunk texts saying things to people you're too shy to say when you're not Cinco de Drunk. Then eat more of that food you made. Half of it's on the floor by now, but it's okay. Thirty minute rule. Play drinking games until you can't feel your face. Smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. Smoke a whole bunch of weed. Lose your pants. Pass out in the hallway. Spend the next day apologizing to yourself in the mirror.
OLE!
Dr. Pepper 10...
A friend of mine brought this up on Facebook today and I've actually been meaning to write a little bit about it for a while because it pisses me off so badly. The team in charge of advertising for Dr. Pepper 10 should be fired. Their whole marketing theme is degrading to both women and men alike.
"Dr. Pepper 10: It's Not For Women"
vs.
"Diet Pepsi: It's Less Fucking Calories".
Why should men have to be ashamed that they want to consume a diet beverage? And why is it a super secret, no girls allowed beverage? Does it tickle your testicles or something? Don't tell me what beverage I can or cannot consume!
Every so often I have the urge to go grab a case of Dr. Pepper 10, bring it up to a male cashier and say something like "YEAH. I'm a woman. And I'm buying this for ME. And I'm gonna drink 'em all. So fuck you.". But then I remember that he's just a cashier. If he handled the advertisement for this particular beverage I'm purchasing, he probably would quit his cashiering job.
So, you know what, Dr. Pepper 10, I don't fucking want you anyway. Eat a dick.
Plus I prefer Coke Zero when it comes to diet beverages.
"Dr. Pepper 10: It's Not For Women"
vs.
"Diet Pepsi: It's Less Fucking Calories".
Why should men have to be ashamed that they want to consume a diet beverage? And why is it a super secret, no girls allowed beverage? Does it tickle your testicles or something? Don't tell me what beverage I can or cannot consume!
Every so often I have the urge to go grab a case of Dr. Pepper 10, bring it up to a male cashier and say something like "YEAH. I'm a woman. And I'm buying this for ME. And I'm gonna drink 'em all. So fuck you.". But then I remember that he's just a cashier. If he handled the advertisement for this particular beverage I'm purchasing, he probably would quit his cashiering job.
So, you know what, Dr. Pepper 10, I don't fucking want you anyway. Eat a dick.
Plus I prefer Coke Zero when it comes to diet beverages.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
How to Properly Get a Pet with Your Significant Other...
I have quite a few unmarried friends in relationships that are settled in with their significant others and are considering getting a pet. Let me just say this... DON'T. But if you really, really, really want to, abide by the following guidelines...
1- Decide Whose Pet it REALLY is...
Don't get me wrong, I adore animals. ADORE THEM. My dog is like my child. He's spoiled rotten and I love him more than most human beings. However, he is and always has been MINE. I was in a long-term relationship when I found him, but it was always understood that he was my dog. Granted, he was treated as if he was OUR dog.
But there was never a question when we split up who would get my little muchacho. He was mine. And that was hard on my ex. So, while this wouldn't be an easy scenario even if you do this, make sure you decide who gets the dog/cat/etc. if, god forbid, you split up. I know, I know, you're soulmates and you'll never break up! Yeah, decide anyway. Cause breakups happen, kids.
2- If You're Getting a Dog Specifically, Make Sure You are Ready For One...
I grew up with dogs. And so when I found the little demon that's presently nestled at the foot of my bed, I was ecstatic about finally having one of my own. My own little baby! Yeah. Well.. here's the thing; dogs are a lot of fucking work. And they require you to be home often.. They're like infants who are always infants. Essentially they're helpless, voiceless, hungry, needy little babies who rely on you for everything. So make sure you're ready to sacrifice some things. And don't leave just one of you to do all the legwork.. that's just some bullshit. Cats are certainly less maintenance, but they are also assholes. Also, dogs are fucking expensive. Once a year you're lookin' at a few hundred dollars for vaccinations.. not to mention a spay/neuter, any and all accidents, leashes, collars, food, toys, chewies, treats, heartworm meds, flea and tick meds... IT ADDS THE FUCK UP. Now, I'm not saying don't get a dog. At all. I know, it sure as hell sounded like it, right? I'm not. I don't mind spending a shit ton of money on my pooch because I love him so much. I just wanted to make clear the realities of what owning a dog is like, if you're unaware.
And do research on your breeds! I cannot stress this enough.
People hate my dog so much because he's part Chihuahua and is therefore possessive of me. He barks a lot and it takes a while before he's comfortable with other people. But that's how his breed is. Also, his trachea starts to collapse once in a while, causing him to wheeze dramatically for up to a half hour. Had I not researched the breed, I wouldn't know the proper way to handle this. Research your breeds! This goes for cats too!
3- Foster the Puppies (slash kitties)
Fostering is a great way to find out if you can handle a pet. It's like babysitting. You still get the full experience of being a pet owner, but eventually it's going to a good home. So, if you're really interested in getting a dog or a cat, try fostering first. See if you can handle it and if it'll fit into your lives the way you want it to.
4- FINE. ADOPT.
If you decide to actually get a pet after not heeding any of my warnings, make sure you adopt. Yes, there's always something enticing about walking into a pet store and looking at all the wee puppies and deciding to take one home. But there are so many dogs on death row who are just as cute and fuzzy and need homes far more desperately than any of the dogs in a pet shop. Also, when purchasing a dog from a pet shop, nine times out of ten, you are financially supporting puppy mills! Any local animal shelter is stocked to the brim with puppies, dogs, cats, etc. who NEED a home. And don't be afraid to take the older ones too. Puppies and kittens will get snatched up fast. Love the oldies.. even if it's for less time than you'd love a puppy or a kitten.
So there you have it. Heed my warnings, follow these skeletal guidelines and get a pet/don't get a pet.
1- Decide Whose Pet it REALLY is...
Don't get me wrong, I adore animals. ADORE THEM. My dog is like my child. He's spoiled rotten and I love him more than most human beings. However, he is and always has been MINE. I was in a long-term relationship when I found him, but it was always understood that he was my dog. Granted, he was treated as if he was OUR dog.
But there was never a question when we split up who would get my little muchacho. He was mine. And that was hard on my ex. So, while this wouldn't be an easy scenario even if you do this, make sure you decide who gets the dog/cat/etc. if, god forbid, you split up. I know, I know, you're soulmates and you'll never break up! Yeah, decide anyway. Cause breakups happen, kids.
2- If You're Getting a Dog Specifically, Make Sure You are Ready For One...
I grew up with dogs. And so when I found the little demon that's presently nestled at the foot of my bed, I was ecstatic about finally having one of my own. My own little baby! Yeah. Well.. here's the thing; dogs are a lot of fucking work. And they require you to be home often.. They're like infants who are always infants. Essentially they're helpless, voiceless, hungry, needy little babies who rely on you for everything. So make sure you're ready to sacrifice some things. And don't leave just one of you to do all the legwork.. that's just some bullshit. Cats are certainly less maintenance, but they are also assholes. Also, dogs are fucking expensive. Once a year you're lookin' at a few hundred dollars for vaccinations.. not to mention a spay/neuter, any and all accidents, leashes, collars, food, toys, chewies, treats, heartworm meds, flea and tick meds... IT ADDS THE FUCK UP. Now, I'm not saying don't get a dog. At all. I know, it sure as hell sounded like it, right? I'm not. I don't mind spending a shit ton of money on my pooch because I love him so much. I just wanted to make clear the realities of what owning a dog is like, if you're unaware.
And do research on your breeds! I cannot stress this enough.
People hate my dog so much because he's part Chihuahua and is therefore possessive of me. He barks a lot and it takes a while before he's comfortable with other people. But that's how his breed is. Also, his trachea starts to collapse once in a while, causing him to wheeze dramatically for up to a half hour. Had I not researched the breed, I wouldn't know the proper way to handle this. Research your breeds! This goes for cats too!
3- Foster the Puppies (slash kitties)
Fostering is a great way to find out if you can handle a pet. It's like babysitting. You still get the full experience of being a pet owner, but eventually it's going to a good home. So, if you're really interested in getting a dog or a cat, try fostering first. See if you can handle it and if it'll fit into your lives the way you want it to.
4- FINE. ADOPT.
If you decide to actually get a pet after not heeding any of my warnings, make sure you adopt. Yes, there's always something enticing about walking into a pet store and looking at all the wee puppies and deciding to take one home. But there are so many dogs on death row who are just as cute and fuzzy and need homes far more desperately than any of the dogs in a pet shop. Also, when purchasing a dog from a pet shop, nine times out of ten, you are financially supporting puppy mills! Any local animal shelter is stocked to the brim with puppies, dogs, cats, etc. who NEED a home. And don't be afraid to take the older ones too. Puppies and kittens will get snatched up fast. Love the oldies.. even if it's for less time than you'd love a puppy or a kitten.
So there you have it. Heed my warnings, follow these skeletal guidelines and get a pet/don't get a pet.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
An Open Letter to Virgin Mobile...
I'd like to preface my open letter to Virgin Mobile by first telling you why I am a Virgin Mobile customer...
First of all, I'm broke as fuck. I have a shitty job and I make dick for money. I can afford a fancier phone, but I'd have to eliminate food or booze or electricity or something from my budget.. and I'm not willing to do that. Second of all, most of my shit can be done on my iPod... like this post for example, so I didn't feel the need to get a fancy phone.
So I chose VM because they had a bangin' deal; $27/month, 300 minutes, unlimited text, unlimited data. Perfect for me. In a normal month, I don't even use up 40 of those 300 minutes.
With that, let me give you a glimpse of the letter that I have every intention of sending to Virgin Mobile..
To Whom it May Concern,
I have been a Virgin Mobile customer for several years. Never have I been so disappointed with your service as I have in the past few months. First of all, I wasn't aware that the phone I spent $150 on (LG Rumor Touch) was the glitchiest piece of garbage you had available. I understand this is an LG problem and not directly yours. Regardless, I have had this particular phone for two years and it is the worst phone I have ever owned.
Secondly, your service had gone downhill severely as of late. I understand I am only paying $27 (and now all of a sudden some random tax that is brand new with no notification) and you get what you pay for. However, I also understand that you are getting my money every month and I am entitled to the basic rights every person who pays for phone service is!
Rarely do my texts send without a five minute, turn my phone on and off ordeal. My picture messages have stopped sending altogether. Also there are days where I can't send or receive texts at all! Even when I get texts from
Virgin Mobile regarding a service change, the browser won't open so I can see what the service change is. The browser never works, the Internet never works when I can actually get the browser to work and whenever I'm actually ON a phone call, the reception is ALWAYS fuzzy! In my house, at work, in the car, anywhere.. I have never had a clear phone call with your terrible service.
Quite honestly, I would rather pay $80+ a month for a phone than ever use your service again. I will absolutely be taking my business elsewhere and I wouldn't recommend you to ANYONE.
Eat a dick,
Jess Burns, jaded consumer
--
I may or may not leave out the "eat a dick".
Shalom.
First of all, I'm broke as fuck. I have a shitty job and I make dick for money. I can afford a fancier phone, but I'd have to eliminate food or booze or electricity or something from my budget.. and I'm not willing to do that. Second of all, most of my shit can be done on my iPod... like this post for example, so I didn't feel the need to get a fancy phone.
So I chose VM because they had a bangin' deal; $27/month, 300 minutes, unlimited text, unlimited data. Perfect for me. In a normal month, I don't even use up 40 of those 300 minutes.
With that, let me give you a glimpse of the letter that I have every intention of sending to Virgin Mobile..
To Whom it May Concern,
I have been a Virgin Mobile customer for several years. Never have I been so disappointed with your service as I have in the past few months. First of all, I wasn't aware that the phone I spent $150 on (LG Rumor Touch) was the glitchiest piece of garbage you had available. I understand this is an LG problem and not directly yours. Regardless, I have had this particular phone for two years and it is the worst phone I have ever owned.
Secondly, your service had gone downhill severely as of late. I understand I am only paying $27 (and now all of a sudden some random tax that is brand new with no notification) and you get what you pay for. However, I also understand that you are getting my money every month and I am entitled to the basic rights every person who pays for phone service is!
Rarely do my texts send without a five minute, turn my phone on and off ordeal. My picture messages have stopped sending altogether. Also there are days where I can't send or receive texts at all! Even when I get texts from
Virgin Mobile regarding a service change, the browser won't open so I can see what the service change is. The browser never works, the Internet never works when I can actually get the browser to work and whenever I'm actually ON a phone call, the reception is ALWAYS fuzzy! In my house, at work, in the car, anywhere.. I have never had a clear phone call with your terrible service.
Quite honestly, I would rather pay $80+ a month for a phone than ever use your service again. I will absolutely be taking my business elsewhere and I wouldn't recommend you to ANYONE.
Eat a dick,
Jess Burns, jaded consumer
--
I may or may not leave out the "eat a dick".
Shalom.
Monday, April 23, 2012
The Art and Neuroses of Writing
I wouldn't put "writer" on my resume or passport, but I studied journalism in college (that one year..) and I also used to teach an improvisation and scene study class, where I actually did a bit of writing as well. Ever since I was a kid, I yearned for the perfect creative outlet for my hot mess of a brain. It always comes down to writing somehow. Whether I'm releasing a long overdue brain leak of nonsensical bullshit or actually putting pen to paper about something of some importance, writing is a very interesting process for me.
I'm very much a scatterbrain. When I write, I tend to get off-topic by way of example, making a long-winded reference or just releasing too many unrelated ideas before they're called for. Any journalism professor would tell you this is a bad thing... and it is. It won't hold your reader's attention long enough in the sense that it's almost like reading a big run-on sentence (or 3/4 of your Facebook friends' statuses..). So my writing very rarely stays on topic, nor can I find myself getting to the point quickly. So, needless to say, writing takes me a long time. Sometimes my most clever tweets can take ten to fifteen minutes to perfect within that 140 character limit.
I'm also a compulsive editor. And when I say "compulsive", I mean "I change pretty much everything... at least twice.". Seriously. It's awful. That's part of why I started blogging way back when MySpace was relevant. I used to blog there constantly. It was just idea after idea after idea and I didn't have to think or edit any of it because I just said things the way I would speak. But whenever I've tried to write anything concrete in my life, I've always edited it down to nothing and then it became such an edited nub of writing that I basically give up and never look back. I edit myself out of my own writing.
And in keeping in time with the first point I made, I really have no idea what the point of this post is. As someone who writes frequently, I just thought I'd share what an annoying process this is. So.. long story short, I'll never write professionally. You're welcome.
I'm very much a scatterbrain. When I write, I tend to get off-topic by way of example, making a long-winded reference or just releasing too many unrelated ideas before they're called for. Any journalism professor would tell you this is a bad thing... and it is. It won't hold your reader's attention long enough in the sense that it's almost like reading a big run-on sentence (or 3/4 of your Facebook friends' statuses..). So my writing very rarely stays on topic, nor can I find myself getting to the point quickly. So, needless to say, writing takes me a long time. Sometimes my most clever tweets can take ten to fifteen minutes to perfect within that 140 character limit.
I'm also a compulsive editor. And when I say "compulsive", I mean "I change pretty much everything... at least twice.". Seriously. It's awful. That's part of why I started blogging way back when MySpace was relevant. I used to blog there constantly. It was just idea after idea after idea and I didn't have to think or edit any of it because I just said things the way I would speak. But whenever I've tried to write anything concrete in my life, I've always edited it down to nothing and then it became such an edited nub of writing that I basically give up and never look back. I edit myself out of my own writing.
And in keeping in time with the first point I made, I really have no idea what the point of this post is. As someone who writes frequently, I just thought I'd share what an annoying process this is. So.. long story short, I'll never write professionally. You're welcome.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Dancin' Kim Has Given My Life New Meaning...
I already made a promise on my Facebook that I will one day get hammered and recreate this video. And to tell you the truth, I am so fucking excited to do it. I almost want to do it right now.
ZOMBIEEEEE.
ZOMBIEEEEE.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Advice From a Professional Hot Mess....
So, I often reflect upon the choices my friends and family make and think about what I would do in the same situation.. "putting myself in their shoes", as they say. Whoever "they" is. Are. Whoever "they" are. Right? Whatever.
Whilst thinking of this, I realize that in my life, I take nothing as seriously as I probably should. OR... perhaps some people take things TOO seriously.
In my opinion, life is a series of black and white situations... Sure, there are some times where there is a gray area and there's no getting around that. But I think for the most part, things are pretty black and white... especially if you're a racist.
So, I thought I'd share with you (both) some of the guidelines by which I live my life...
1 - Karma is a real thing. I've fucked some shit up in the past and its come to get me. It doesn't necessarily mean I stopped doing what I was doing, but I'm very aware of the power of Karma. So be good to others or you're due for a swift kick in the ass.
2 - Say what you're thinking with no remorse. That's not to say you walk up to your boyfriend and say "hey, man, you got a tiny dick." or anything like that. But if something's burning in your chest (first of all, reconsider your spicy food intake) and you need to say it, just say it. We only get one shot at this life, in theory, so take the chance and just say what you need to say.
3 - Do not regret. Someone who's been quoted as saying this and then was retweeted a shit ton of times on Twitter once said "Don't regret anything, because at one time you wanted it" or some such shit. I don't know, I'm paraphrasing now and I'm way too lazy to look up who said it. Either way, I think you get the gist. I never feel regret because I always do with intention. If I want something, I go get it.
4 - I'm gonna quote again. This time from 10 Things I Hate About You... "Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want." (Heath Ledger, may he rest in peace..) Allowing your insecurities to inhibit you and keep you from what you deserve is no way to live life!
5 - Don't pick fights with someone who is (a) bigger than you, (b) faster than you, (c) a cop, (d) wearing rings or (e) way more drunk than you/on coke.
6 - If you go to a friend's apartment for a party, don't intentionally trash the place. And if you stay over, maybe help clean up the next day. That's just good manners. Cause they probably have a noise complaint or two comin' their way... and one of their other guests probably broke some of their shit.
7 - When you're wrong, just admit it and save us all the trouble of wanting to punt you across the room.
8 - A well-timed movie, pop culture or literary reference can go a long way... but when no one gets it, try really hard not to get mad. Everyone will remember that.
9 - Try and pick up at least a little bit of a new language. Then Americans maybe might seem just a tad less ignorant!
10 - If you can't drive over 75MPH on the expressway (at least in Illinois), get the FUCK out of the left lane.
Alright, that's all the wisdom I think I'm going to bestow upon you this evening. Take these golden plates and guard them with your life, my little Joseph Smiths.
Whilst thinking of this, I realize that in my life, I take nothing as seriously as I probably should. OR... perhaps some people take things TOO seriously.
In my opinion, life is a series of black and white situations... Sure, there are some times where there is a gray area and there's no getting around that. But I think for the most part, things are pretty black and white... especially if you're a racist.
So, I thought I'd share with you (both) some of the guidelines by which I live my life...
1 - Karma is a real thing. I've fucked some shit up in the past and its come to get me. It doesn't necessarily mean I stopped doing what I was doing, but I'm very aware of the power of Karma. So be good to others or you're due for a swift kick in the ass.
2 - Say what you're thinking with no remorse. That's not to say you walk up to your boyfriend and say "hey, man, you got a tiny dick." or anything like that. But if something's burning in your chest (first of all, reconsider your spicy food intake) and you need to say it, just say it. We only get one shot at this life, in theory, so take the chance and just say what you need to say.
3 - Do not regret. Someone who's been quoted as saying this and then was retweeted a shit ton of times on Twitter once said "Don't regret anything, because at one time you wanted it" or some such shit. I don't know, I'm paraphrasing now and I'm way too lazy to look up who said it. Either way, I think you get the gist. I never feel regret because I always do with intention. If I want something, I go get it.
4 - I'm gonna quote again. This time from 10 Things I Hate About You... "Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want." (Heath Ledger, may he rest in peace..) Allowing your insecurities to inhibit you and keep you from what you deserve is no way to live life!
5 - Don't pick fights with someone who is (a) bigger than you, (b) faster than you, (c) a cop, (d) wearing rings or (e) way more drunk than you/on coke.
6 - If you go to a friend's apartment for a party, don't intentionally trash the place. And if you stay over, maybe help clean up the next day. That's just good manners. Cause they probably have a noise complaint or two comin' their way... and one of their other guests probably broke some of their shit.
7 - When you're wrong, just admit it and save us all the trouble of wanting to punt you across the room.
8 - A well-timed movie, pop culture or literary reference can go a long way... but when no one gets it, try really hard not to get mad. Everyone will remember that.
9 - Try and pick up at least a little bit of a new language. Then Americans maybe might seem just a tad less ignorant!
10 - If you can't drive over 75MPH on the expressway (at least in Illinois), get the FUCK out of the left lane.
Alright, that's all the wisdom I think I'm going to bestow upon you this evening. Take these golden plates and guard them with your life, my little Joseph Smiths.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Relationships N Shit...
So many of the women I know and grew up with are now married, have children, both or are in the process of one, the other or both.
I'm not one of those girls who's been dreaming of her wedding every night of her life. Definitely not. Quite honestly, if I never get married, I won't be particularly heartbroken. Let's call that "daddy issues".
I also despise the process of dating. It's painfully awkward and of no interest to me. So needless to say, when it's not a monogamous relationship, I'm always as single as can be.
But I do have some views on relationships that I'd really like to share while I'm avoiding the paperwork that is strewn like a tablecloth upon my desk. I will also share with you what a single woman such as myself looks for in a prospective gentleman.. besides a giant penis. That's just implied.
I've had my fair share of long-term relationships; my last having been almost a 3 year ordeal. I know right? Most people who've gotten to know me post-that-break-up are typically like "whoa! i can't even picture you in a relationship, let alone for that long!". Well... fuck you, ya fuck. I'm a lady god dammit!
My point being that I've been in more than one lengthy relationship, so I do have some basis for my theories on them. There is also no bias here for race or sexual orientation. I believe these theories of mine to be true for everyone. Please feel free to call bullshit on me if this proves to be untrue.
Theory #1 - In an ideal relationship, the two people in question should be friends. That's not to imply they should be friends first and date second. It means that in the realm of the relationship, these two people should be able to communicate as friends. (I'll get to the communication chapter in a minute..) Cause quite frankly, if you wouldn't hang out with this person in a random social setting, why would you choose to date them?
Theory #2 - Theory number two is something I see abused often and should be a fucking prerequisite for ALL relationships (business, personal, romantic and otherwise). Respect should be given by ALL parties. I have seen so many relationships wallpapered with emotional abuse because one person feels the need to be an asshole and the other feels obligated to make excuses for it. There is no excuse for a disrespectful relationship. Period. FUCKING PERIOD.
Theory #3 - Sex. If you know me and/or know anything at all about me, you know that I openly talk about sex. Be it joking or otherwise. I feel no bounds in discussing the topic, within reason. So many of my friends come to me with their sexual issues in their relationships. I don't believe this is because I'm some whorey expert, but because I have an openness about the subject that a lot of women seem to shy away from for one reason or another. So here's what I know and what I've advised some friends on...
Sex should be a big factor in any romantic relationship. And not just having it, but in the MANNER you're having it. Most of my friends come at me with "I can't get off" or "I can't get him/her off". The only answer I can give you there is to be as open and honest as you can. If you don't like what you're getting, you have to come up with a gentle-on-the-ego way to say "hey, that shit doesn't do it for me". Plain and simple. And if you have an openness about the sexuals in your relationship, this will be an easier conversation to have, I assure you.
And ladies, this part is for you. Sometimes ladies are not as "gung-ho fuck me" as men are. Personally, I'd rather have sex than do most things. However, in the instance that you aren't super excited about sex, vagina friends, you are gonna find yourself in some problematic relationships. These ladies need to be more adventurous in the bedroom (or wherever it is you prefer to bone). This will open up a more exciting side to the act itself. Cause frankly, if he has to watch The Notebook every time you're PMSing, you should be willing to suck his dick every once in a while, ladies.
I took the long way around here, but the point is that you should ENJOY having an abundance of sex with the person you choose to date. (or marry, in the instance you're saving yourself. no judgement here.) If abstinence by choice is not the case and only one of you is excited about the boning taking place, the other will end up pretty unhappy. That's just a fact.
Theory #4 - This is another element that is required to maintain healthy relationships in general. (Are we seeing a fucking pattern here? I think yes.) Communication must be crystal fucking clear. This means NO mind games, ladies and gentlemen. Games have their heyday at the very beginning of the relationship when the women don't want their new man to know that they actually eat or take a shit or whatever.
But when you've passed that phase, there should be no barrier, big or small, in a healthy relationship. If you're truly in love with this person and you intend to stay in it for the long haul, there should be nothing you're unable to say to him/her. That's not to say you have to tell them every thought that's in your brain, but you should never have to feel obligated to hide anything from your significant other, in my opinion. If you feel you have to hide things from them often, RED FLAG.
Passive aggression is another area where communication just fails. My mother's boyfriend, just as an example, is the mayor of fucking Passive Aggressivelandvilletown. In the past eight years, I've witnessed so much passive aggressive behavior that I could probably write a fucking dissertation on the subject... and I only lived with them for like two of those eight years.
If you're hurt, SAY you're hurt. If you're mad, SAY you're mad. If you're happy, SAY you're happy. Don't fuck around trying to make your boyfriend/girlfriend guess how you feel or play games trying to make them feel bad when you could have just said "HEY. It pisses me off when you do that.". Just STOP. Be quiet. Reevaluate your life.
Theory #5 - This one seems a little arbitrary, but... FUN. You should be having it. If you spend more time arguing than enjoying each other's company, you're either in love with drama and I don't even want to hear about your relationship, and/or you just need to end it.
Theory #6 - Everyone needs alone time. What I mean by this is that in order to love others, you have to first love yourself. I have so many girlfriends who break up with their boyfriends and jump right into new relationships because they don't like being alone. I do know a couple of guys who are like this as well. When you truly achieve "getting over" someone, being single is the best feeling in the world. It's a new lease on life and a plethora of options you'd forgotten you once had. So cherish your single life too! It really is important to know who you are WITHOUT a man/woman by your side.
The point of all of this, rainbow children, is that life is far too fucking short to live in a miserable relationship. I know relationships require more than five half baked theories and I do have many other theories and opinions, but dammit this blog is far too long as is.
Personally, I'm a choosy human when it comes to boyfriends. Not because I think I'm too good for certain people or anything. It just genuinely takes A LOT for me to be interested in someone enough to want to actually date them. If that interest is not piqued, I won't even bother trying.
So what's a happy-being-single chick's ideal mate? Well..
1 - A sense of humor is probably one of the most important things. And because I, personally, so often speak tactlessly, a man who can laugh at (and add to) wildly inappropriate things is kind of a must. If a man can make me genuinely laugh, I'm pretty much sold instantly.
2 - No mind games! Games are for children. Straightforward people always win my heart in general because your honesty tells me "Hey. I'm not afraid to tell you things." and I have great respect for that.
3 - It's the Capricorn in me that likes to nurture. I don't wanna be your fucking mommy, but revealing a weakness or vulnerability melts me a little. Be the manly man (hopefully with that giant penis) you are, but don't be afraid to open that door to your weaknesses sometimes too!
4 - Have an interest and your own opinions. Don't just tell me what I wanna hear or do what I wanna do. Grow a pair and do you sometimes.
5 - Sex. All the time.
6 - Cheat on me, I'll castrate you... or just leave your ass if I'm feeling particularly lazy.
I think that about sums it up. Again, I don't claim to be Dr. Phil or anything, but these are just some thoughts I have on relationships and how they work/why they don't work. Call bullshit on me if you feel so inclined. But I will immediately tell you to shut up and that you're wrong.. And frankly, if you've even made it this far, I should buy you a fucking beer, so let me know and drinks are on me.
Maybe.
I'm not one of those girls who's been dreaming of her wedding every night of her life. Definitely not. Quite honestly, if I never get married, I won't be particularly heartbroken. Let's call that "daddy issues".
I also despise the process of dating. It's painfully awkward and of no interest to me. So needless to say, when it's not a monogamous relationship, I'm always as single as can be.
But I do have some views on relationships that I'd really like to share while I'm avoiding the paperwork that is strewn like a tablecloth upon my desk. I will also share with you what a single woman such as myself looks for in a prospective gentleman.. besides a giant penis. That's just implied.
I've had my fair share of long-term relationships; my last having been almost a 3 year ordeal. I know right? Most people who've gotten to know me post-that-break-up are typically like "whoa! i can't even picture you in a relationship, let alone for that long!". Well... fuck you, ya fuck. I'm a lady god dammit!
My point being that I've been in more than one lengthy relationship, so I do have some basis for my theories on them. There is also no bias here for race or sexual orientation. I believe these theories of mine to be true for everyone. Please feel free to call bullshit on me if this proves to be untrue.
Theory #1 - In an ideal relationship, the two people in question should be friends. That's not to imply they should be friends first and date second. It means that in the realm of the relationship, these two people should be able to communicate as friends. (I'll get to the communication chapter in a minute..) Cause quite frankly, if you wouldn't hang out with this person in a random social setting, why would you choose to date them?
Theory #2 - Theory number two is something I see abused often and should be a fucking prerequisite for ALL relationships (business, personal, romantic and otherwise). Respect should be given by ALL parties. I have seen so many relationships wallpapered with emotional abuse because one person feels the need to be an asshole and the other feels obligated to make excuses for it. There is no excuse for a disrespectful relationship. Period. FUCKING PERIOD.
Theory #3 - Sex. If you know me and/or know anything at all about me, you know that I openly talk about sex. Be it joking or otherwise. I feel no bounds in discussing the topic, within reason. So many of my friends come to me with their sexual issues in their relationships. I don't believe this is because I'm some whorey expert, but because I have an openness about the subject that a lot of women seem to shy away from for one reason or another. So here's what I know and what I've advised some friends on...
Sex should be a big factor in any romantic relationship. And not just having it, but in the MANNER you're having it. Most of my friends come at me with "I can't get off" or "I can't get him/her off". The only answer I can give you there is to be as open and honest as you can. If you don't like what you're getting, you have to come up with a gentle-on-the-ego way to say "hey, that shit doesn't do it for me". Plain and simple. And if you have an openness about the sexuals in your relationship, this will be an easier conversation to have, I assure you.
And ladies, this part is for you. Sometimes ladies are not as "gung-ho fuck me" as men are. Personally, I'd rather have sex than do most things. However, in the instance that you aren't super excited about sex, vagina friends, you are gonna find yourself in some problematic relationships. These ladies need to be more adventurous in the bedroom (or wherever it is you prefer to bone). This will open up a more exciting side to the act itself. Cause frankly, if he has to watch The Notebook every time you're PMSing, you should be willing to suck his dick every once in a while, ladies.
I took the long way around here, but the point is that you should ENJOY having an abundance of sex with the person you choose to date. (or marry, in the instance you're saving yourself. no judgement here.) If abstinence by choice is not the case and only one of you is excited about the boning taking place, the other will end up pretty unhappy. That's just a fact.
Theory #4 - This is another element that is required to maintain healthy relationships in general. (Are we seeing a fucking pattern here? I think yes.) Communication must be crystal fucking clear. This means NO mind games, ladies and gentlemen. Games have their heyday at the very beginning of the relationship when the women don't want their new man to know that they actually eat or take a shit or whatever.
But when you've passed that phase, there should be no barrier, big or small, in a healthy relationship. If you're truly in love with this person and you intend to stay in it for the long haul, there should be nothing you're unable to say to him/her. That's not to say you have to tell them every thought that's in your brain, but you should never have to feel obligated to hide anything from your significant other, in my opinion. If you feel you have to hide things from them often, RED FLAG.
Passive aggression is another area where communication just fails. My mother's boyfriend, just as an example, is the mayor of fucking Passive Aggressivelandvilletown. In the past eight years, I've witnessed so much passive aggressive behavior that I could probably write a fucking dissertation on the subject... and I only lived with them for like two of those eight years.
If you're hurt, SAY you're hurt. If you're mad, SAY you're mad. If you're happy, SAY you're happy. Don't fuck around trying to make your boyfriend/girlfriend guess how you feel or play games trying to make them feel bad when you could have just said "HEY. It pisses me off when you do that.". Just STOP. Be quiet. Reevaluate your life.
Theory #5 - This one seems a little arbitrary, but... FUN. You should be having it. If you spend more time arguing than enjoying each other's company, you're either in love with drama and I don't even want to hear about your relationship, and/or you just need to end it.
Theory #6 - Everyone needs alone time. What I mean by this is that in order to love others, you have to first love yourself. I have so many girlfriends who break up with their boyfriends and jump right into new relationships because they don't like being alone. I do know a couple of guys who are like this as well. When you truly achieve "getting over" someone, being single is the best feeling in the world. It's a new lease on life and a plethora of options you'd forgotten you once had. So cherish your single life too! It really is important to know who you are WITHOUT a man/woman by your side.
The point of all of this, rainbow children, is that life is far too fucking short to live in a miserable relationship. I know relationships require more than five half baked theories and I do have many other theories and opinions, but dammit this blog is far too long as is.
Personally, I'm a choosy human when it comes to boyfriends. Not because I think I'm too good for certain people or anything. It just genuinely takes A LOT for me to be interested in someone enough to want to actually date them. If that interest is not piqued, I won't even bother trying.
So what's a happy-being-single chick's ideal mate? Well..
1 - A sense of humor is probably one of the most important things. And because I, personally, so often speak tactlessly, a man who can laugh at (and add to) wildly inappropriate things is kind of a must. If a man can make me genuinely laugh, I'm pretty much sold instantly.
2 - No mind games! Games are for children. Straightforward people always win my heart in general because your honesty tells me "Hey. I'm not afraid to tell you things." and I have great respect for that.
3 - It's the Capricorn in me that likes to nurture. I don't wanna be your fucking mommy, but revealing a weakness or vulnerability melts me a little. Be the manly man (hopefully with that giant penis) you are, but don't be afraid to open that door to your weaknesses sometimes too!
4 - Have an interest and your own opinions. Don't just tell me what I wanna hear or do what I wanna do. Grow a pair and do you sometimes.
5 - Sex. All the time.
6 - Cheat on me, I'll castrate you... or just leave your ass if I'm feeling particularly lazy.
I think that about sums it up. Again, I don't claim to be Dr. Phil or anything, but these are just some thoughts I have on relationships and how they work/why they don't work. Call bullshit on me if you feel so inclined. But I will immediately tell you to shut up and that you're wrong.. And frankly, if you've even made it this far, I should buy you a fucking beer, so let me know and drinks are on me.
Maybe.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Why I Happen to be a Terrible Blogger..
While I'm certainly someone who has a myriad of ideas sloshing around in her brain constantly, (see: my twitter) I realized recently that I'm a terrible blogger.
-- the only proof I need is the fact that I started this very blog MANY MANY days ago and never finished it..
-- the only proof I need is the fact that I started this very blog MANY MANY days ago and never finished it..
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
As I Stare At This Photo of Lionel Richie...
I can't help but wonder how does one dance on the ceiling? I mean, unless you stole Willy Wonka's fizzy lifting drinks or you're fucking Reagan from The Exorcist, dancing on the ceiling isn't exactly a feeling people can really relate to.
I also can't help but wonder how this photo of Lionel Richie got here.
I also can't help but wonder how this photo of Lionel Richie got here.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Two Things...
2 - Why the hell is there not a picture of MADONNA in an ad for MADONNA tickets?!
Get your shit together, Zuckerberg.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Thank Me Later
She's no Nichole337, but if you can take this video to the end, you're a champ and you're in for a laugh. Enjoy, minions.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Masturbation.
If a woman says she doesn't masturbate, she is either
a - a fucking liar
or
b - completely clueless as to what she wants in bed.
These are facts. As you were.
a - a fucking liar
or
b - completely clueless as to what she wants in bed.
These are facts. As you were.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The Woman in Black - Spoiler Free Edition
I want to preface my review by saying that it will be spoiler-free as far as plot points and the storyline. I will comment on a few of the scares, but I won't give you really anything you haven't already seen in the trailers.
So here we go.
First of all, my drive for seeing this movie was initially purely based on the fact that it starred the delicious Daniel Radcliffe. Being a Harry Potter nerd and a lover of all men sexy, I was intrigued when I heard about the film back in August. Of course, then I was also going to see Mr. DanRad nightly in How to Succeed in Business, as I was staying in New York for an extended period of time. But I digress.
I was intrigued by the first few trailers and then the tv spots. I didn't go into the film with high expectations to be scared at all. Let's face it, in this day and age it's really hard to make a film scary. They're either torture porn, slasher reboots, exorcisms or paranormal films. And this film in particular didn't really look all that scary to me, but like it had an interesting plot line and the potential for a good paranormal thriller.
And I think my preconceptions were pretty accurate.
The film starts us off with three ginger children (who we can assume have no soul due to their gingerdom) silently playing. And at the conclusion of the scene I already figured out half of the movie. I'm not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, but it was a little transparent, though not the main plot point.
Then we meet Arthur Kipps (the almighty DanRad). He's leaving his son with his nanny for a business "trip" of sorts. Kipps is a lawyer who is being sent to a large home in a remote village to sort through documents and paperwork of its deceased inhabitant. During this time we are also met with flashbacks of the birth of Kipps' son and the simultaneous death of his wife.
When Kipps arrives to his destination, he's met with a confusing array of dismissal. No one wants him there. No one wants him to go to the estate of the deceased. Nevertheless he does, of course, and it is there I must stop in the plot advancement because of my aforementioned "spoiler-free"ness.
However, it is in the backstory of this "woman in black" where I sort of fell off the proverbial cliff. While the backstory of this entity's potential motives and existence weren't disinteresting, I couldn't help but feel rather lost. I comprehended the storyline, but there was so little dialogue in the film that it made it difficult to follow at first.
I also felt as though there wasn't enough character building. I can see the motivation for this as you wanted this town to feel cold and distant and traumatized, and it did. Except, again, due to a lack of dialogue, it took me a while to figure out who a few people were. Mind you, the showing I went to was sold out and I was forced to sit in the front row all the way on the aisle, so my literal view was slightly skewed.
One thing The Woman in Black did not lack in was jump scares. There wasn't a great degree of tension building, but they nailed the jump scares. There were girls screaming like they were on a roller coaster in the theater. Lots of toys that made sound and had creepy eyes. The camera work on all those toys was exquisite. Really good uncomfortable closeups!
The one thing that also creeped me out from the trailer was that chair that moved on its own. The motion was linked to that backstory and furthering plotline I mentioned earlier and I liked that it wasn't an arbitrary move. (Heh... puns.)
As the movie was starting to hit it's climax (harder! harder!), I kind of got a little cynical towards it. A few "whaaat?"s and "REALLY?!"s came to mind. But then the jump scares came back and they were actually good ones.
The only thing I have to say I'm on the fence about is the ending to this movie. I can't say I liked the ending, but I can't say I hated it either. (Like I said, on the fucking fence).
All in all, I liked The Woman in Black. The jump scares were good, the plot kept me interested, the scenery was beautiful and I made a lot of fairly giggle-worthy jokes throughout. (see: Harry Potter and the Bitch in the House)
I wouldn't call it scary and I wouldn't classify it as a horror movie, but I'm content with what I saw. It met my expectations. And dammit if that DanRad isn't delicious to look at. And for those who have not seen him do anything besides Harry Potter (ie theatre, December Boys, etc.), it's almost transcendent for him. Sexual attraction aside, he's actually quite a good actor and it shines through in this film. Especially working with such little dialogue and primarily in scenes by himself.
Overall, I'd give The Woman in Black an 8 out of 10. Two points loss on the plot not having the kick it could have had and for the "meh" ending. That aside, I say get out there and buy an overpriced ticket. Don't worry, they'll re-release it in 3D soon, I'm sure.
So here we go.
First of all, my drive for seeing this movie was initially purely based on the fact that it starred the delicious Daniel Radcliffe. Being a Harry Potter nerd and a lover of all men sexy, I was intrigued when I heard about the film back in August. Of course, then I was also going to see Mr. DanRad nightly in How to Succeed in Business, as I was staying in New York for an extended period of time. But I digress.I was intrigued by the first few trailers and then the tv spots. I didn't go into the film with high expectations to be scared at all. Let's face it, in this day and age it's really hard to make a film scary. They're either torture porn, slasher reboots, exorcisms or paranormal films. And this film in particular didn't really look all that scary to me, but like it had an interesting plot line and the potential for a good paranormal thriller.
And I think my preconceptions were pretty accurate.
The film starts us off with three ginger children (who we can assume have no soul due to their gingerdom) silently playing. And at the conclusion of the scene I already figured out half of the movie. I'm not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, but it was a little transparent, though not the main plot point.
Then we meet Arthur Kipps (the almighty DanRad). He's leaving his son with his nanny for a business "trip" of sorts. Kipps is a lawyer who is being sent to a large home in a remote village to sort through documents and paperwork of its deceased inhabitant. During this time we are also met with flashbacks of the birth of Kipps' son and the simultaneous death of his wife.
When Kipps arrives to his destination, he's met with a confusing array of dismissal. No one wants him there. No one wants him to go to the estate of the deceased. Nevertheless he does, of course, and it is there I must stop in the plot advancement because of my aforementioned "spoiler-free"ness.
However, it is in the backstory of this "woman in black" where I sort of fell off the proverbial cliff. While the backstory of this entity's potential motives and existence weren't disinteresting, I couldn't help but feel rather lost. I comprehended the storyline, but there was so little dialogue in the film that it made it difficult to follow at first.
I also felt as though there wasn't enough character building. I can see the motivation for this as you wanted this town to feel cold and distant and traumatized, and it did. Except, again, due to a lack of dialogue, it took me a while to figure out who a few people were. Mind you, the showing I went to was sold out and I was forced to sit in the front row all the way on the aisle, so my literal view was slightly skewed.
One thing The Woman in Black did not lack in was jump scares. There wasn't a great degree of tension building, but they nailed the jump scares. There were girls screaming like they were on a roller coaster in the theater. Lots of toys that made sound and had creepy eyes. The camera work on all those toys was exquisite. Really good uncomfortable closeups!
As the movie was starting to hit it's climax (harder! harder!), I kind of got a little cynical towards it. A few "whaaat?"s and "REALLY?!"s came to mind. But then the jump scares came back and they were actually good ones.
The only thing I have to say I'm on the fence about is the ending to this movie. I can't say I liked the ending, but I can't say I hated it either. (Like I said, on the fucking fence).
All in all, I liked The Woman in Black. The jump scares were good, the plot kept me interested, the scenery was beautiful and I made a lot of fairly giggle-worthy jokes throughout. (see: Harry Potter and the Bitch in the House)
I wouldn't call it scary and I wouldn't classify it as a horror movie, but I'm content with what I saw. It met my expectations. And dammit if that DanRad isn't delicious to look at. And for those who have not seen him do anything besides Harry Potter (ie theatre, December Boys, etc.), it's almost transcendent for him. Sexual attraction aside, he's actually quite a good actor and it shines through in this film. Especially working with such little dialogue and primarily in scenes by himself.
Overall, I'd give The Woman in Black an 8 out of 10. Two points loss on the plot not having the kick it could have had and for the "meh" ending. That aside, I say get out there and buy an overpriced ticket. Don't worry, they'll re-release it in 3D soon, I'm sure.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
I have not forgotten or purposely neglected today's promises!
Really, I haven't.
Two of my newest goodies will be up first thing in the morning, idiots!
Stroke your boners; it's gonna be a long night!
-face
Two of my newest goodies will be up first thing in the morning, idiots!
Stroke your boners; it's gonna be a long night!
-face
Dear sexy slut bumps,
I have a job that I hate and pages full of content I'm going to make happen on this blog TODAY. I know. I've promised before. But this time I'm for super cereal!!
Prepare your dicks!!
-jeshface
Prepare your dicks!!
-jeshface
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