As everyone knows, Sunday is Father's Day. This is where you yell "OH SHIT!" and go get your old man a card. Make sure it plays an obnoxious song when you open it. Dad's love that shit.
Hahahaha, just kidding. I have no idea what dads love.
Anyway, if you're lucky enough to have a father who's not a complete piece of shit, you're all set for Sunday. But if your dad is a walking dickmouth with too many illegitimate children, you stick with me, kid! I've got the perfect day planned for ya!
Step one - Sleep in. You deserve this. Somewhere there's a slutty whore bouncin' on your dad's balls. The least you can do is stay asleep long enough to forget that fact.
Step two - Call your mom. She's probably been pretty badass to compensate for what a crumpled sack of discarded foreskin your father is. Then invite her out for lunch. Even though she doesn't have a penis, she's still more of a dad than your dad is! Chin up! The day's only getting better!
Step three - Eat lunch with your mom so you can both get hammered and talk about how much you hate your dad.
Step four - Drive your mom home completely shitfaced. Remember, you both deserve it. Balls.
Step five - Call your friends that are finished hanging out with their actually awesome dads and then go out and continue getting hammered.
Step six - With your beer balls intact, create a wordy Facebook status about what a shit your dad is and how cool your mom is. Get your half siblings to "like" and "comment" on it.
Step seven - Yell "Happy Father's Day" while downing three tablespoons of NyQuil and then see how long you can fight to stay awake.
Step eight - Unconscious bliss.
And if your dad is actually a good dad, then be nice and get him that singing card. Still get hammered with your mom though. Remember, you deserve it.
Cheers! :D
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