Buying Your Girlfriend a Gift She'll Love...

Now, a lot of my blogs are more geared toward advice for the ladies, I suppose. I try to keep my advice and opinions relatively unbiased as far as gender and sexuality go. However, in my opinion, this is an area that men need more help with than women typically do.

So, in the instance you need to buy your lady something for a special occasion, let me tell you how. You take your left ear and your right ear, and you fucking LISTEN. Cause six out of seven cardiologists agree that she's probably already told you several times what she'd be interested in you buying her.

Women drop hints hard about what they want. Some women even flat out say it!

"Oh, I love that necklace. If you can't think of something to get me for Christmas, get me that necklace..."

That doesn't mean buy her a random season of The Waltons, a cubic zirconia ring from Walmart and a homemade coupon for "one free boning session - with no expiration date".

It means, "Hey. I want that fucking necklace... and I'm probably gonna be pretty pissed if you get me something shitty."

Now while I don't necessarily condone that last statement, I do understand it. I'm not big on "things" in general. I mean I like weird, random shit... but like jewelry, fancy knick knacks, decor, etc... Not wild about em. But if there's something I have my heart set on and you get me a shittier version of a shittier version of what I want (yes, I meant to say that twice), I'm probably gonna be disheartened. Yes, I hear how terrible that sounds. Personally, I'd never be outwardly disappointed. The fact that someone thought enough to get me a gift, even if not exactly what I'd anticipated is delightful in itself. But I digress.

So fellas, if you're struggling with what to get your pal with the vagina for a special occasion, just fucking listen. She'll tell ya. And if she doesn't, just ask. And not the night before. Idiot.

And ladies, if you find yourself struggling with what to get the majestic penis in your life, just get him something fancy and impractical that you can play with too.

There's a dirty joke in there somewhere. I trust you all to find it.