My turning point in life was post an aforementioned break up from a three year relationship. When your world feels shattered, albeit only very briefly (yes! heartbreak DOES go away, contrary to popular belief!), you have no choice but to find where you went wrong, fix it and move forward.
So, this is a two part jeshface lesson today, kids..
Part One.
How to break up and deal with a break up.
If you find yourself in a situation where you're unhappy in your relationship or you just feel that it's time to move on, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. Having that feeling at all is definitely an indicator that no matter how hard your brain wants to be in this shit for the long haul, your heart is just not in it. And that's not fair to the person you're subjecting your half-hearted bullshit to. So, the next step is obviously to break up. And for this, there is no good advice. There's no GOOD way to break up. But here are are a few, hopefully really fucking obvious "don't"s.
1- Don't break up over the phone. I don't care if you've been dating two years or two days. Breaking up over some medium that is not your face to his/her face is a pussy's way out and so fucking tacky.
2- Don't do it in a public arena. The voyeur in all of us would love to watch a relationship fall apart on TV, but no one wants to watch it happen in life.
3- Don't do it out of the blue. When one person thinks everything is peachy and the other one knows they're about to shatter your heart, that breakup is gonna fucking sting like a thousand god damn bees. And I'm allergic. (irrelevant.)
4- Don't do it on a holiday, birthday, anniversary or weekend... unless provoked. That's just shitty.
5- Don't do it over and over again. Break up and get back together ONCE. If you're still on again/off again after that, 9 out of 10 dentists agree that you're not gonna fucking last. So give it up.
So, now you've broken up/been broken up with. Which leads me to part two of part one of today's lesson. Ya got that?
How to Deal with a Breakup.
Let me take you back to July 3rd, 2010. It was a normal day. I was looking forward to some particular outing that night with my boyfriend and his family. But my boyfriend was particularly moody and quiet, which was odd for him because he was typically the most talkative, outgoing sonofabitch in the room. We were sitting in my living room making fun of 16 and Pregnant. Then there was a commercial. Then he said those three words that no one in a relationship ever wants to hear. "We need to talk". Four words. Not three. Jesus, I gotta stop drinking.
From there, obviously we had broken up. There was no real reason and I was too hurt to ask, but it was over. I cried like a little girl and stormed out of my own house with my dog and just went for a walk. When I came back, he was still there... so I took to my most trusted defense mechanism, putting on my strong, "I don't give a fuck" face (heh.. fuckface) and went in the house. I took off the ring he bought me, left it in the bathroom and led him out the door.
Then it was like my entire face melted into a sea of tears. I laid on my bedroom floor for hours. Crying uncontrollably. What had just happened? The man I had planned to marry, my whole world, the one person I felt I could truly trust was out of my life possibly forever. I spent the entire next day like this. Crying uncontrollably at pretty much everything. It was the 4th of July and we had so many plans for the 4th.
Now, if you're feeling bummed about heartbroken jeshface, let me tell you what happened the following day. I had this day off work thanks to the holiday. I woke up and I decided to go out. To go do something. To not LIVE in my pain. And you know what? It fucking worked. People criticize me for my "excessive partying", which is not at all excessive, but getting out and living life for yourself is the best way to handle a breakup. It sounds unhealthy because you're basically just avoiding your emotions, but eventually you'll have to find some closure anyhow. If you're keeping your brain at a distance from your pain, dealing with the reality isn't going to be as hard.
And yes, exes can be friends. I still consider the aforementioned ex one of my very best friends and a person I'd be very sad if I didn't know.
It took me three days to get over the tears and the hurt. I found my closure about two months later. So you see, heartbreak isn't forever no matter the longevity of the relationship. Life absolutely goes on and only gets better.. Treat every relationship as a learning experience.
And this leads me to my final lesson.
How to live for yourself without seeming like a selfish dick.
The one thing most of us forget about when we're in relationships is how to live for one's self. I certainly did. Everything is "what if"s about him/her or "what can I do for" him/her. You forget you. That's not necessarily a bad thing. That's love. That's selflessness. It's a beautiful thing.
However, living solely for other people and never doing you is a terrible thing. Theoretically, we only have one shot at life.. So ask yourself... "Why am I spending MY life not living for ME?". Why have a lifetime of doing things you don't wanna do to not incur the wrath of others? That's no life at all.
Now here's how to do it without seeming like such a selfish dick...
1- Make plans sometimes. When you make plans, you don't leave much of a window for interruption or interception. Be spontaneous often, but make plans as well.
2- Be honest. Most of my posts seem to come back to my deep love of honesty. But honesty can fix and be preventative maintenance on a lot of life's problems. If your friend asks you to go do something with him/her and you don't want to, instead of saying "I gotta dye my grandma's hair", say "I'm not really feelin' it tonight. Maybe another time.". And how they react is their problem, not yours. That sounds terrible, but it's true. Oprah once said some shit about how our lives are based on our reactions to others' actions. And for once, that broad kinda makes some sense.
3- Speak freely and know to whom you are speaking. (and don't end a sentence with a preposition)
Our friends and significant others are supposed to be our second family. They're supposed to be the ones we can go to with anything. So trust them with your words and trust them with your life. And if you can't trust them, maybe you should just throw 'em outta your car on the expressway. Or just reevaluate your friendship. That one might be a better choice.
4- Be a selfless friend and a selfless lover. Do anything for those that love you. Not as a means to be on good graces until your next fuck up, but as a means to understand love and how powerful it is. But mistake me not, "selfless" doesn't mean "doormat". Don't ever be a doormat for anyone. Which leads me to #5.
5- Stand up for yourself. When people are pushing you around or treating you like shit, you call them out on it. That's not to say you stand up in front of their parents and yell obscenities at them. But make sure they know when they grind your gears. Don't let anyone treat you like shit. ANYONE. Because no one deserves that.
Take these knowledge bombs. Make yourself happier. Look at the people you surround yourself with. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my post-breakup epiphany doesn't strike you as hard as it strikes me... Well.. maybe you suck and I'm awesome.
I need a drink.
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