Here I sit in a Barnes and Noble at 5pm on a Wednesday. Children are screaming and I wish their parents nothing but the best... and also immediate sterilization. Today I thought I'd take a journey to solve my biggest problem of the moment; dating. I traveled through many sexist flirting guides that told me about how I'm not doing it right. I'm not dressing to impress properly. I haven't mastered the quiet hair flip or the holding eye contact while sipping a straw as if I'm fellating it. I don't want to play the I'm-not-going-to-text-him-back games or any of that shit. I'm too straightforward for all that nonsense.
Nothing about this was helpful. I've never been good at pretending to be something I'm not and I'm not going to start at 28. Now is definitely not the time for that.
And to prove it, I just got checked out by a very attractive human man.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be giving him extended eye contact and smiling coyly until it's time to mock up our wedding invitations.
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