She's Just Not That Into You

So, obviously I've been doing some introspective searching, as far as my love life goes lately. And since there's that lovely love life manual for females, He's Just Not That Into You, I thought there should be a similar manual for men.

Frankly, when a man is not picking up on your signs that you're not interested or just doesn't care and proceeds to try and pick you up anyway, it's really a-fucking-nnoying. So, here are some fool-proof ways to tell if the woman you're desperately after is into it or if you just need to fuck off and make it happen elsewhere...

She will always be happy to see you.
Women aren't as secretive as you might think. We often show our emotion by simply showing our emotion. Most of the time, women won't be quick to pretend like you're not there if we're excited that you are. She'll engage you in conversation, even if it's awkward conversation. Women who ignore men want to play their sexual cards. They want you to be interested, but they'll never follow through.*

The touch.
I know this one sounds like bullshit straight outta Cosmo magazine, but touching really is fairly telling of how a woman feels about you. Women who are interested will touch you in some (non-pervy, pervs!) fashion during a conversation. I didn't realize that was true until I caught myself doing it with a guy I was flirting with.**

Smiles.
Intrinsically, we all smile when we're around people that make us happy. It's so common that I'm sure no one ever really realizes they're doing it. If she's into you and she likes what you bring to the conversation, she'll smile a lot. If you find yourself thinking "Wow, that wasn't even clever or funny", she's probably interested in you. You know how when you're into someone, everything they say is like some weird magic, even if it's absolutely nothing of any sort of note.***

The invitations.
If she invites you to hang out with her, be it alone or in a group, this means she wants to see you more. She has an interest in what you bring to the table and wants to either show you off or get to know you better in a more personal setting. But what if I'm busy?! Well, if you really like her, I'd recommend canceling whatever crap you had planned for the evening and go hang out with the cool girl. However, if canceling isn't an option because you're probably a huge pussy (just kidding. kinda.), politely decline, but make sure she knows you're still interested. Something like "So sorry, I'm busy being a pussy tonight, raincheck?". This way it leaves an opening for a later opportunity. But please note that by asking for a raincheck, it's only polite to take the reins on your next outing opportunity with her, since she ballsed up to ask you out.****

The Ask Out. 
If she's given you this much to go by and you don't ask her out, you really are a fucking pussy.*****


*The exception to the rule would be a painfully shy woman. Try to pick up on her body language. If she's fidgety, she's probably just shy. If she stands tall and confident and ignores you, she's fucking with you. If she stands tall and confident and engages you in conversation, she's interested. If she stands tall and confident and engages you in small talk, she likes you as a friend.

**Some women are really non-tactile and shy. Don't count yourself out if she's not stroking your arm while you tell her the funniest joke in your repertoire; she may be too awkward or reserved to attempt it. Plus, she probably read that she does it in Cosmo magazine and thinks it's a load of bullshit.

***Some people are just polite. If it's a smile with teeth, she's pickin' up what you're puttin' down. If it's a thin-lipped, no-teeth smile, she's just being polite.

****If you have no other friends, she's just pitying you... or if you have too many mutual friends she already invited to a gathering, she's just being polite.

*****Period.






Hope these fool-proof tips were helpful!
I'm off to get Shfacefacewasted.


Happy weekend!