I'm breaking the mold tonight.
I'm not a serious blogger in a couple senses. I don't do it often and I don't fare well with emotional material. Not just in blogging; in life too. I find that this is one of the things that probably makes me impossible to love, if you're not my mother or a friend I've had since I was eight. I realized recently that I don't find myself worthy of love. It just came out of my mouth one day. I don't know why I feel this way, but I'm sure it would take a team of really kickass psychiatrists to figure it out. I lead my life with a false sense of confidence that apparently was indecipherable even to myself.
I don't date. I refuse to. I hate the concept. I've never casually dated. Nothing about getting dolled up and pretending to be who you're not while painfully discussing your high school years and their relevance to what a shitty person you actually turned out to be is enticing to me. So, needless to say I have to really, really like a guy to be interested enough to date him. Please don't mistake this questionable fastidiousness for arrogance. I don't think I'm better than other people; I just don't fancy wasting my time. I have to know someone's personality, their level of intelligence to some degree, if they can differentiate between "your" and "you're". There are a lot of factors that make a man "dating material" in my eyes. Maybe I'm missing some great experience. As I never went to college, I don't think I was ever properly socialized. I'm socially awkward to say the least.
How is this myriad of rambles in any way relevant to anything, Shface?!
Keep your fucking panties on. I'm getting there.
Well, over the past year and a half or so, I have been "in like" with a gent. In serious like. I think about him all the time and when I do, I feel it in my gut. Like I'm going down the first drop of a roller coaster. I can feel it as I type this. I haven't felt this feeling for about five years. I... don't know what to do with these feelings. I see so many of my friends go from girlfriend/boyfriend to girlfriend/boyfriend without batting an eye. I don't do dating. I've only done two serious relationships in my entire life. Why do I not feel worthy enough to do anything about it? This wasn't even the initial reason I wanted to blog about love.. but I guess it all ties in.
In some respects, I'm happy to have been single for three and a half years now. It's comfortable. I have me. I can rely on me. I'll never leave me. But sometimes, it'd be nice to have someone look out for me. To pursue me. To listen. To talk to. To love me. And to love.
I've hit the swing of my social existence where a lot of my friends are breaking up in their relationships. It makes me sad for them. I remember that pain. I remember it well. I don't remember the love. The love now feels artificial. It wasn't, but it's such a distant memory now that it feels so absurd.
Is there a point to this post?
Not really.
I just had some genuine thoughts about what's going on in my head and my heart and my gut and I wanted to share them.. here.
And if you're reading this, gent, the ball is in your court. Lolz.
Goodnight, dipshits.
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