OkCupid

So, a while back I found myself on OkCupid as sort of a social experiment. I didn't really want to meet anyone, because I'm kind of a purist in that sense, but I was just kind of curious about it. So I joined. And I got a lot of traffic from the kind of dick-driven trolls I thought I would at first. My profile information was snarky and uninformative at best. But there were a few interesting interactions as a result.

- The Banter Guy. This guy messaged me with the full intention of bantering with me. In the end, I made him angry by way of being a complete smartass and he never messaged me back.

- The Married Guy. His message was literally "Would you be okay with fucking a married guy, or are you not into that?". Oy.

- The Soulmate. One of the guys that messaged me was someone I thought was actually sort of attractive and had a personality to match mine, in a way. He messaged me this whole tongue-in-cheek response and that I seemed like the good kind of crazy. So as a reply, I reciprocated his interest and followed it up by asking if he thought black and green were good colors for our wedding invitations. He never wrote back.

And finally..

- The Angry Guy. This guy was a gem. He messaged me a really sweet message, but I didn't stay on the app long enough daily to reply to my messages in a very timely fashion. Fortunately, OkCupid has a disclaimer at the bottom of your profile that tells how often you reply to people (often, selectively, rarely, etc). This guy must have missed that boat. He followed his message up a day later with a message that said "Fine, I guess you're a stuck up bitch. Fuck you. I hope you get shot or robbed.". Dream guy.

So, all in all, my experience with OkCupid was mediocre. I'm no longer there, as my social experiment is over. Plus I think I'm gonna marry Angry Guy. I hope he likes black and green.

CH- CH- CH- CH- CHANGES

Good evening, readers of my blog. Yes, both of you. How are you? I don't care. :)

Well, New Years Eve is almost upon us.. and you know what that means. That's right. All of your Facebook friends will soon be sharing their goals and memories with you, even though you couldn't possibly care less. So, like a considerate motherfucker, I'm going to do that here. And really only here. Because my goals are my own and the life changes ahead of me are also my own. So here are my three forthcoming 2014 major plans:

- Health. Everyone has at least one person in their life that is making it their goal to lose a fuck ton of weight in the new year. I'm less concerned with my weight and more concerned with my health. So in 2014, I plan on being primarily vegan and as healthful as I possibly can be. I'm pushing 30. My metabolism is about to quit on me. It's time to kick my own ass into gear by also working out more to aid in my increased health!

- Internet. In the new year, I fully plan to use the internet more to my advantage. I'm an aspiring comedian. I have this time off to do comedy things and I'm not doing them, except for my live shows. I'm going to make better use of my time and of the internet in 2014 and have a sketch or a character or some sort of comedy video up on YouTube at least once a week.

- Relocation. This one has taken me a long time to come to. Initially, when I was thinking about what to do when my lease is up in June, I had a lot of ideas about where I want to relocate. You'll find out at midnight tomorrow when the post goes up, but I will be relocating in the summer of 2014. Details then. :)

So there you have it. These are my realistic goals and plans for the coming year. My last blog post of the year is scheduled for tomorrow night at midnight, like I said, so from the present, I wish you all a safe and a happy New Years Eve. May you get drunk on all of the booze and arrive safely to and from your destinations of choice.

Some kind of sincere love I guess,
Shface

Surviving Christmas, Trophy Wife and Shit Like That...

Christmas is finally over. I know for some people Christmas is this magical bullshit time of year, but my family is a ball of stress that makes Christmas damn near unbearable. However, here are some lovely fucking things from my holiday because things.

Twas the night before Christmas (Eve) and all through the Olive Garden I stumbled after this strong ass margarita. 

The next day was Christmas Eve, wherein my mom's side of the family gets together and pretends they don't hate each other for a day. Oh, we also eat. And eat. And eat. And then we eat.

No. Seriously. 

Then on Christmas Eve, I looked like this. Cool shot. Not really. 

These two hung out. Good for them, ya know?

And then, as it always does, Christmas Day brought me the cold I inevitably found on Christmas Eve.

I got some things because I was good all year, jerks.

The next day, I put clothes on and went shopping. When I did it, I looked like this, only less stupid maybe.

I hung out with my mom and had a time.

Then once my mom and I got on each others' nerves, it was time for me to go home.

When I got home, I decided to not be a fucking hermit and go out and do some stuff. Mostly wait for buses.

Yes, I'll have one.

Yes, I'll have one. Just one.

A journey to Barnes & Noble for the last two seasons of The Golden Girls they no longer had led me to this:

Which just sounds like hardcore masturbatory training to me.

And on my journey home from the day's adventures...

....a man whose love of Angry Birds is only matched by his love of dental hygiene. 

---------------------------------------

In other news, I've been discovering that I am starting to like television again. I accidentally caught the Christmas episode of Trophy Wife on ABC. I fell in love immediately. First, it has Marcia Gay Harden, who I have had the biggest girlcrush on since I was probably fourteen years old. 

No, like, seriously. Look at her.

Anyhow, after being initially hooked by the queen that is MGH, I actually gave the show a chance and I fell in love with it. It's very, very funny. The title gives the impression that it's another sexist, tits bouncing for the guy bullshit bag of dicks sitcom, but it's really not at all. It's smart and sweet and really funny. So much so that I really adore Michaela Watkins after having spent so many dislike dollars on her during her time on SNL. If you haven't seen it yet, see it. (Tuesdays at 930/830 central on ABC)

Alright, this is too long.

Go fuck yourselves.

DailyGrace

A couple years ago upon a beautiful internet accident, I came across a vlogger called DailyGrace. A woman my age, who liked alcohol and comedy and was doing exactly what I didn't know could be done, but still what I had thought I'd wanted to do. For the past two years straight, five days a week, I've been able to depend on a DailyGrace video. Through her connection with both YouTube and MyDamnChannel.com, she was able to be found wherever I wanted... or really, at either YouTube or MDC.

This week, I went back to MyDamnChannel, where the archives of DailyGrace lie and decided to do a complete rewatch from the beginning and spent an entire day absorbing the awesome. Thanks, unemployment.

However, her cryptic - and now edited - video from today suggest that she and MDC might be breaking up.

She also ended the toast made at the end looking toward new beginnings and "it's grace". And her old YouTube channel now can also be linked by www.youtube.com/ItsGrace 

(ps - go subscribe)

I think one of the best things about working for the internet is the creative control one must have. I think that this breakup - aside from its potential sticky legalities - could be tremendous for Grace. She certainly has the skill to keep her audience and now she may have the time and the room to alter her schedule and content in ways that MDC might have had her restricted on. 

No matter what happens, this will not be the last we see of Grace. I hope whatever happens, we all still get a little slice of life from Grace Helbig, even if it's not every day or we're not being hazed.

It's nice to see someone succeed at the absolute dream of a comedian. 

I wish you the best, Grace. 

SNACKS.

Christmas and Whatnot

Well it's the 23rd. My shopping is done, nothing is wrapped and I'm at my grandmother's house for the next three days. My skin is broken out, my period is due and I've made a conscious decision to eat anything within in arms reach. My family is in disarray, the times are volatile, I'm waiting on my new debit card (Thanks, Target), the kitchen is too far, I don't feel like I spent enough on my mom. I woke up with a headache, my laundry is almost done, I don't fit in any pants that have a button. I'm sleeping on an air mattress that deflates just enough to be annoying everyday. The only thing that's on TV right now is a shitty episode of Saved by the Bell. The only coffee in this house is the three day old coffee my grandma reheats in the morning. I could really use a shower, I could really use a nap, I could really use a better diet and maybe some exercise. The gent is with a new woman, my computer needs more memory, Obamacare. Coconut oil, ski hats, snow is coming. Good moisturizer, bad hair color, giant sweatpants, grateful for gifts. Secretly hating some gifts. Manners, politeness, white lies, getting hammered to repress your hatred for some of your family.


Have a good Christmas, fuckers.

Phil Robertson

So, by now I'm sure you've heard that Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty, a show I'm most pleased never to have watched, has been suspended from the network for being quoted as being homophobic.

Now, while I'm all for A&E's decision and I do think what Robertson said verbatim was rather soft compared to some things some other people of "note" have said regarding homosexuality, I am ashamed of people who condemn A&E for choosing to take Robertson off of their channel.

"But what about Freedom of Speech!", they cry.

Yes, here in America, even in the po-dunk, hillbilly parts of the country, we have the freedom to say what we want. However, having the right to say what you want whenever you want, doesn't always mean you should. When it hurts other people, you probably should shut up. When you're using your religion against people, you probably should shut up. If you're a public figure and you're asked a controversial question, you also have the right to say "no comment".

People defended his comments, which included the suggestion that from homosexuality stems bestiality and promiscuity (which is false, in case you're stupid too), by saying "but that's what he BELIEVES!".

SO?!

So fucking what if that's what he believes?! You're telling me that if I believed that all Asians were demons sent from the loins of hateful monsters and I said that in a public forum that that's okay? Just because I believe it?! (PS - I don't believe that. Just an example. Idiot.)

The fact is, if you believe that homosexuality is a sin, you are a coward hiding behind your religion. You are denying people you may and/or may not know the right to LOVE. Don't we all deserve love? It's not your job, place, responsibility, right to tell people that they do not because they are attracted to someone of the same sex. Is homosexuality only okay when it's two heterosexual women pleasuring each other on your computer screen so you can jerk off into a tube sock you hide under your bed?

In the end, equality will win, as it always has and you will be the idiots looking ignorant and full of hatred for no reason.

So defend Phil Robertson for his stellar belief system.
Progress will defeat all of your bullshit.

SHOWING OFF, COMPLAINING AND THE HOME STRETCH

As of late, I'm getting REAL sick of hearing people complain about things in their lives that they have the full and complete ability to change. You can change almost anything in your life. And some people have had life-altering events hit them at the core and they haven't uttered a word of complaint. If you find yourself complaining a lot about something in your life, do the following:
-Shut your yap
-Step the fuck back
-Look at the situation
-Realize it's not the end of the world
-Work toward fixing it
-Get the fuck over it
Stop making everything about you. Even though life is unjust and rough sometimes, someone (even someone you KNOW) has it far worse than you do, so maybe keep those petty complaints to yourself.

Conversely, there have also been a lot of people in my life who are presently showing off in the most obnoxious fashion. People I once respected and thought the world of. People who caused a world of pain they will never know because they never had to see it. Let me lay it on the line for said people who have the need to show their lives off to whomever has their eyes open; no one is impressed. No one cares that you have things. No one cares that you have money. Rather, we feel sad that you are nothing but materialism now. You look stupid and pretentious and you caused hurt that I cannot promise will be forgiven. If you find yourself being a total asshole, do the following:
-FUCKING STOP IT.

Alrighty then, rant over.

I'm in the home stretch of my new life plan. I'm formulating the letters and words I need to share with people in my life. I have to say, I was more excited about this before, but I think it will do me a world of good to say the things, good and bad, I've waited to say.

In other news, I've bought my New Years dress. It should arrive Monday. All I need are boots and jewelry and my outfit is complete.

I, on the other hand, will never be complete.

HOW I WOULD SPEND MEGA MILLIONS WINNINGS

I know we all fantasize about how we would spend great amounts of money, even just for a little bit. But last night, I was talking to my mom on Facebook and we were really delving into what we would spend that money on, since the Mega Millions are up to $550 million (about $250 mil take home). So, I thought, where better to share my thoughts of this than in a public forum?

So here's a list of ways I would spend Mega Millions winnings:

1. I would buy two new cars. I'd buy a Jeep Wrangler and probably something sensible like a Prius or a Camry. XM Radio and whatnot too.
2. I'd buy two MacBook Pros. Just because I could.
3. Think my 4S could use an upgrade to the 5SOS or whatever's coming up next.
4. I'd pay my rent through the end of my lease.
5. I'd buy an apartment outright in New York City.
6. I'd rent a place in Los Angeles, where I'd grow my own year round garden of vegetables.
7. I'd go visit my place in Los Angeles and get my hair and nails done at the best salon.
8. I'd see the best god damn dermatologist in the world.
9. Personal trainer, right?
10. I'd hire a masseuse and pay them an outrageously large salary.
11. I'd hire an on-call dessert chef.
12. I'd always have $100s in my pocket and I'd give them to awesome strangers.
13. I'd donate a gross amount to the Trevor Project.
14. I'd defunct The Salvation Army (and their homo-hating ways) with a replacement organization that won't ring terrible bells in your face during the holidays. Instead, they'll be inside and will offer you a delightful snack or a coupon for wherever it is you are.
15. I'd buy my own public access channel and use it for fun sketches and to expose up and coming interesting people.
16. I'd buy one of everything at a Sephora and pay the women in Victoria's Secret to leave me alone while I shop for intimates.
17. I'd have a closet dedicated to material crap like nailpolish and lipgloss.
18. I'd have fifty denim shirts and wear them everyday for fifty days.
19. I'd take a trip to Europe on a whim and be there as long as I'm there.
20. I'd give about half of the money to my mother, who would undeniably do the same for me.

The fact is, I grew up dirt poor. I'm basically dirt poor right now. I've never known what it's like to have money. I have a hard time saying I'd buy a home theater or a Ferrari. Those things aren't practical for me. I don't think if I had money I could make my life more about things than sharing the wealth. It sounds lame and I can hear you calling shenanigans on me, but I truly think money can make you happy, but not when you use it to replace experiences with things.

THINGS I NEED TO GET CRACKIN' ON...

-Christmas shopping. I haven't done a fucking thing yet.
-My letters to folks I have things to say to by the end of the year.
-Taking my dog to the vet. Boy needs his shots.
-My stupid YouTube channel.
-Buying more leggings. Or else I'll be naked.
-Ordering my New Years dress. Or else I'll be naked.
-Sleep. 'Night.

HOW TO DEAL WITH DRAMA

After a night out with friends and realizing that it requires an hour long preparation involving a 5-Hour Energy to actually participate in a full night out, I remembered the downside of going out; DRAMA. I've never fancied myself a dramatic person in any capacity. I'm very non-confrontational for the most part and drunken drama is the least appealing. However, if you are of age to be in a bar (or have a really tits fake ID), you will recognize this drama immediately.

There is only one way to deal with drama; AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS.

If you have friends that are consistently dramatic when you go out, stop going out with those friends.
If you have friends that are consistently dramatic when you stay in, stop staying in with those friends.
If you have friends that are consistently dramatic in their love lives and will not shut up about it, you should probably point that out to them and promptly tell them to pipe the fuck down.

Life is far too short to have that drama in your life. And whether you are the drama or you tolerate the drama, you need to find a way to get it the fuck out of your life.

If you insist on keeping your loudmouth drama queen/king friend in your life, you have no choice but to take on the role of den-mother/father and be the voice of reason CONSTANTLY. Because let's face it, on any given night when someone pisses you off enough to get mad and act on it, that friend is going to be causing five times the drama you would about it. You can't rely on that.

So, if you find yourself surrounded by that drama, you either have to be the one controlling the evening or you need to get yourself some new friends.

I recommend the latter.

Goodnight/morning, fairweather fucks.

She's Just Not That Into You

So, obviously I've been doing some introspective searching, as far as my love life goes lately. And since there's that lovely love life manual for females, He's Just Not That Into You, I thought there should be a similar manual for men.

Frankly, when a man is not picking up on your signs that you're not interested or just doesn't care and proceeds to try and pick you up anyway, it's really a-fucking-nnoying. So, here are some fool-proof ways to tell if the woman you're desperately after is into it or if you just need to fuck off and make it happen elsewhere...

She will always be happy to see you.
Women aren't as secretive as you might think. We often show our emotion by simply showing our emotion. Most of the time, women won't be quick to pretend like you're not there if we're excited that you are. She'll engage you in conversation, even if it's awkward conversation. Women who ignore men want to play their sexual cards. They want you to be interested, but they'll never follow through.*

The touch.
I know this one sounds like bullshit straight outta Cosmo magazine, but touching really is fairly telling of how a woman feels about you. Women who are interested will touch you in some (non-pervy, pervs!) fashion during a conversation. I didn't realize that was true until I caught myself doing it with a guy I was flirting with.**

Smiles.
Intrinsically, we all smile when we're around people that make us happy. It's so common that I'm sure no one ever really realizes they're doing it. If she's into you and she likes what you bring to the conversation, she'll smile a lot. If you find yourself thinking "Wow, that wasn't even clever or funny", she's probably interested in you. You know how when you're into someone, everything they say is like some weird magic, even if it's absolutely nothing of any sort of note.***

The invitations.
If she invites you to hang out with her, be it alone or in a group, this means she wants to see you more. She has an interest in what you bring to the table and wants to either show you off or get to know you better in a more personal setting. But what if I'm busy?! Well, if you really like her, I'd recommend canceling whatever crap you had planned for the evening and go hang out with the cool girl. However, if canceling isn't an option because you're probably a huge pussy (just kidding. kinda.), politely decline, but make sure she knows you're still interested. Something like "So sorry, I'm busy being a pussy tonight, raincheck?". This way it leaves an opening for a later opportunity. But please note that by asking for a raincheck, it's only polite to take the reins on your next outing opportunity with her, since she ballsed up to ask you out.****

The Ask Out. 
If she's given you this much to go by and you don't ask her out, you really are a fucking pussy.*****


*The exception to the rule would be a painfully shy woman. Try to pick up on her body language. If she's fidgety, she's probably just shy. If she stands tall and confident and ignores you, she's fucking with you. If she stands tall and confident and engages you in conversation, she's interested. If she stands tall and confident and engages you in small talk, she likes you as a friend.

**Some women are really non-tactile and shy. Don't count yourself out if she's not stroking your arm while you tell her the funniest joke in your repertoire; she may be too awkward or reserved to attempt it. Plus, she probably read that she does it in Cosmo magazine and thinks it's a load of bullshit.

***Some people are just polite. If it's a smile with teeth, she's pickin' up what you're puttin' down. If it's a thin-lipped, no-teeth smile, she's just being polite.

****If you have no other friends, she's just pitying you... or if you have too many mutual friends she already invited to a gathering, she's just being polite.

*****Period.






Hope these fool-proof tips were helpful!
I'm off to get Shfacefacewasted.


Happy weekend!

Giving Luck on Up

While luck is never something I truly believed in, it occurred to me recently that to not believe in something requires you to not act as though you believe it. I guess we all have that secret box in our brains that wants to believe that magic can happen just by putting good energy into the ether. But sometimes, the sheer coincidence of these things makes it hard to NOT believe.

For example, my mom and I have a thing about pennies. We would say pennies are a sign of something good. But how? Is that just false hope? While cleaning my apartment yesterday afternoon, something in me decided that I was no longer going to buy into it. It's gotten me nowhere and given me nothing but false hope that the bullshit wishes in my brain piece would somehow magically come true because I found the most expendable form of currency in America on a filthy street corner. However, when I left the apartment to take out the garbage, clear as day, there was a single penny on my front porch. Is the universe just fucking with me or is there really no rhyme or reason to how things happen?

I'd be shocked that after almost 28 years of life that the universe is just built on a heap of happy accidents.

So I'm not giving up on luck or dreams or wishing; I'm giving up on the expectation. In the scheme of things, the only thing we can depend on is what the universe throws our way. It's out of our control. We can steer it in certain directions, but ultimately, everything is an accident.



Editor's note: Is it a cosmic coincidence that I blogged about luck on Friday the 13th? Cause that's just fucking weird.

5 STEPS TO BE OKAY WITH BEING THE ONE NOT GETTING ENGAGED

I've never been the girl that dreams of her wedding. That's just not my style. If it's yours, by all means, embrace it. I'm just not wired that way.

However, when you're creeping up on thirty and are as single as is humanly possible, the whole social norms of relationships vs. age seems to play a big part in your life, whether you want it to or not. When your Facebook photos are of you and your other single friends drunk off your ass and your closest married friend posts photos of the same night where they drank red wine and played Bananagrams with her whipped husband and all of their pansy ass mutual friends, it's hard to not feel like you don't have your life together.

So here are some tips on how to feel more "together" and how to realize that it's not bad to be the single one:

1- However together other people may seem, everyone has bullshit in their lives. These days, if you can't instagram it, it's not worth having in most peoples' eyes. This is why so many people instagram their food and their nails and their blowouts and their expensive shit; they want to seem like they have their lives together. But behind those filtered photos is a laundry list of shit that's wrong with their lives. So even though they can take thirty selfies until they find the one that catches their newly dyed hair in the right light, know that a Nashville filter cannot hide their subsurface problems.

2- Don't be ashamed of having fun. I went through a lengthy phase where I felt like a douchebag everytime a photo of me in a less than sober state appeared on Facebook. Scrolling down the page would be that photo of me, followed by a friend's new baby and another friend's perfectly manicured hand with a giant shiny rock on it. But just because we all live our lives differently doesn't make one of us better than the others. Single people don't have the responsibility (or the weigh-down, if you will) that people with children (or sometimes husbands -- hahahahahahahahahahaha. ahem.) do. Which leads me to my next point.

3- Don't let any married person or person with a child tell you that you will embrace their lifestyle one day. Maybe marriage is not for you. Maybe having children is not on your to-do list. THAT'S OKAY. You're allowed to not want a child and you're allowed to not want to fuck only one person for the rest of your life. Don't let friends who want that make you feel bad for not wanting it. Ultimately, you know what's best for you and what makes you happy, so do you. Which leads us to..

4- Remember that even though you don't have a wife/husband or a child to clean up after, you still have plenty of life's responsibilities to handle. Don't let your friends make you feel inferior because you couldn't possibly understand what it's like to have to take care of a child 24/7. Life is hard for everyone in different ways. I'm sure taking care of another human person or adjusting to life with a significant others is a difficult thing to do, but so is being unemployed and trying to figure out how to pay your bills. We all have our crosses to bear. Make sure your friends aren't trying to pass theirs off on you just because you took different paths in life.

5- Be happy for your friends. I know this one seems like a "WTF?! How is that supposed to help me?!" kind of a thing, but if you're truly happy for your friends, they're less likely to rub their blissful milestones in your face. Remember, your friends are your friends for a reason. And even if they're annoyingly happy, at least they're happy. And they'd be equally happy for you if this was the path you were taking.

Remember that marriage isn't, like, the one big key to happiness in life. Sure, it's great to have someone love you and to love someone, but it's not the end all be all. If you're happy with yourself, your life and the people you permit to be in it, your life will be equally, if not more, fulfilling as your married friends'.

Barry Manilow

Shut up. I already know what you're thinking.
Okay, I don't... but I CAN feel your judgment, so pipe the fuck down anyway.

Now, I know Manilow is not the coolest cat to most of you, but he truly changed my life for the better. There are songs of his that I listened to as a child that to this day grip my soul with a giant fist and squeeze it til I cry. Songs about pain and about loss and about love and about lust and about happiness and  betrayal. Manilow has a song for everything, really.

First of all, this is one of the only things that in therapy I can truly blame my mother for. I was but a victim in the womb of the Fanilow gene. There isn't a time in my life I don't remember hearing his music. As a three year old feeling the pain of He Doesn't Care on the Manilow album. As a four year old learning Broadway songs I may never have known while bopping around my living room to Showstoppers. As a five year old wanting to sing the Baby It's Cold Outside duet with him on Because It's Christmas. Listening to Even Now at six and crying missing my dad. Watching Copacabana (yes, lifetime made a movie based around the song - starring Manilow & Annette O'Toole) until I literally broke the vhs tape. Getting my friends in 8th grade into his music. Blasting his cover of If I Can Dream in my bedroom at sixteen while I lay on my floor just consuming the music. Hating my life listening to Read Em & Weep after my first real heartbreak.

Barry Manilow is commonplace in my life. He's probably the only constant.

The first time I saw him in concert was when I was four. We saw him in the alley on our way out and I cried. I'll never forget seeing him that close. The black leather bomber jacket he wore, his glasses, that ten foot spiky hair. I can still see it clear as day. I saw him again when I was probably about 10 and then again when I was about 14. I won tickets to see him live a couple years ago. If he's here, I will never not go.

I know it's not particularly the coolest musical choice, but neither is ignorance, my friends. So many people dismiss his music at hearing Mandy or I Write the Songs. But let me tell you, there is no other musician/vocalist/performer that has such deep access to my heart the way Barry Manilow does. Ask your mother; I'm sure she feels the same way.

SOME FRIENDS ARE AWESOME AND SOME UPDATES

I realize I've gotten a bit too real on this blog. I fully intended it to be a more comical December, but I've been hit with some big things this month! Not all bad, but most stressful. So, here's what's been going on in the few days I've been scantily blogging..

I helped my mother seal the deal on the end of her relationship. We got rid of her car and got all of her stuff to her new residence. Someone give that woman some good luck. She could use it.

I bawled my eyes out to a Barry Manilow song today. This one. It had me thinking of my grandfather and what an awesome guy he was. And how he was essentially my father. The best guy I've ever known. But I digress.

I've done some comedy.

I made a pie.

I'm going shopping this evening with two of my lovely friends for a New Years dress. Then we're going to get some dinner because food. Like OMGz.

I got rid of my car yesterday after I found out that our neighborhood had been hit by people hacking catalytic converters off cars. That was fun. But I made almost $400 off that majesticness, so I am a-okay with it.

My shoulders hurt from dragging bags and bags and bags of groceries home the other day.

I should really do my hair and my face before I have to go shopping.
I think I'm getting worse at blogging.

SOME FRIENDS ARE CUNTS AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS

Sometimes in life, though it's tough to accept, we have to let go of friends. I'm facing that time right now and I thought I'd share the tips I've given to myself in dealing with it.

Step one - Accept the fact that their change, regardless of what it is, is THEIR change. When you change outside of someone else, you are the only one changing. You don't bring people with you. And that is what is happening. Your friend has changed in some way and isn't bringing you along for the ride.

Step two - Don't dwell. I found it very easy to dwell on the friendship we had. We were close. Sisters. I'd only felt so comfortable with another friend once in my life. I miss the closeness; having someone to talk to constantly. Now that things are different, it's not the same and it will never be the same. So it's important not to dwell on the memories.

Step three - Look at the relationship, or what's left of it, and if ultimately you're being hurt more than anything, it's time for that friendship to see its last day. True friends don't hurt you on purpose. True friends don't hurt you repeatedly on accident. True friends are friends. If in the end, it hurts more than it heals, it's time to say goodbye.

Step four - Say goodbye. This is the part that's coming in the next couple of weeks. I'm an all or nothing kind of person. And if I'm not important enough to be in your life, except the rare occasion when you pencil me in, I'm taking the "nothing".

Step five - Look to your other friends, the real ones, to fill the void that friend once did. This is not an excuse for co-dependence, but rather an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. These are basic friend principles that shouldn't need to be said, and hopefully the rest of your friends are as understanding as mine.

DINA LOHAN HAS A DUI

Just a reminder.

New Years Eve (pt. 2)

Auld Lang Syne, motherfuckers.

I bought my ticket to the New Years Eve function I'll be attending. 

I feel very positive about NYE this year. In fact, I'd very much care to skip Xmas altogether. I don't need anything, but a great dress and a face to make out with at midnight. But I digress.

I fully intended to write a long post today, but unfortunately I have procrastinated my day away AGAIN. So I must run due to having to clean, pack, make myself look less like shit, walk my dog, imbibe gross amounts of coffee and go do a comedy show! 

Maybe a follow up post later.

Be well or be in a well. 

-Shface

You're Doing it Wrong

Here I sit in a Barnes and Noble at 5pm on a Wednesday. Children are screaming and I wish their parents nothing but the best... and also immediate sterilization. Today I thought I'd take a journey to solve my biggest problem of the moment; dating. I traveled through many sexist flirting guides that told me about how I'm not doing it right. I'm not dressing to impress properly. I haven't mastered the quiet hair flip or the holding eye contact while sipping a straw as if I'm fellating it. I don't want to play the I'm-not-going-to-text-him-back games or any of that shit. I'm too straightforward for all that nonsense.

Nothing about this was helpful. I've never been good at pretending to be something I'm not and I'm not going to start at 28. Now is definitely not the time for that.

And to prove it, I just got checked out by a very attractive human man.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be giving him extended eye contact and smiling coyly until it's time to mock up our wedding invitations.

PEOPLE ARE DICKS AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS

So, I spent most of today inside. I was up until 6am talking to an old friend on Skype, laughing my ass off. So I slept until about noon and hung out in bed with the dog all day. Eventually around 7pm I ventured out. I needed something to eat and to simply stimulate my brain with something other than the YouTube vortex that consumed my entire afternoon. Plus, it's 50 degrees in December in Chicago, so I wanted to soak that up a bit too.

So I got on the bus not really sure where I was going to go. I decided as the bus progressed further into the more happenin' part of town that I was going to go into Old Town to eye up a tiny xmas tree to make my own this weekend. But before I'd go over there and look, I decided to pop in to Starbucks for a tiny iced coffee. The girl behind the counter clearly didn't want to be there and was talking to her friend who came to visit her. I politely waited for them to finish talking before I gave her my very simple order (tall iced coffee w/ soy). And even still she was very glib. (not to be confused with Barry Gibb)

I brushed it off. She and her friend clearly had bigger problems and I think we'd all been there. So I was gazing at the lovely coffees Starbucks was selling that I could ask my roommate to bring home for free, since he works at one. The guy preparing the coffee looked at me and said "Iced coffee, right?" and I confirmed. I continued to read the label of the Christmas Blend coffee in my own little world, when the same guy turned to me and as if I were both retarded and hard of hearing said "YOUR DRINK IS READY. THAT'S WHY I SAID THAT.". This really put me off. Hard. I'm not sure why. He's a stranger with zero impact on my life in general. So I decided not to let him have that power. I popped my straw into my drink, looked him in the face and said "Sorry, I guess I'm fucking SLOW. Have a good day... DICK." and I left.

It soured my mood a little, I'm not gonna lie. I may come off as crass and obnoxious on occasion, but one thing I never leave the house without is my manners. I'm always polite, especially to people serving me food or drinks.

So while I stewed on that, I took a quick jaunt across the street to the beautiful Christmas tree haven on Wells. I didn't go in to price them out, but it seems they have the teeny tiny tree size I'm looking to fulfill in my apartment.

It was then I decided I wanted to go look at clothes. I found a dress on Forever21's website that had a dress I really love and wish to procure for my New Years Eve gathering I'm attending. I was being stalked in the Forever21 by a woman named Tamra. I'm pretty sure she thought I was stealing stuff. I had my phone out trying to vlog a thing or two and she kept walking up behind me. It was not only insulting, it was also a weensy bit creepy. First of all, I was wearing a fitted leather jacket that I can barely fit my tits into, let alone an oversized sweater. Secondly, I didn't even have my purse. I had no means to steal anything, nor would I. Upon annoyance at Tamra's close attention to my every move and my inability to find the exact dress I've been clamoring about for days, I decided to book it.
Plus, I didn't want her to see the thirty necklaces I stuffed into my bra.*

I walked from there to the grocery store, where I spend approximately 75% of my time in general. I have an affinity for grocery stores. This one is particularly cozy and huge with an enormous liquor store upstairs and some of the most attractive men I've found in the city of Chicago.

I walked around the store with a slice of banana cream pie for about an hour, in a desperate attempt to find something that would satisfy my need to eat dinner. After many options, deliberations and running into the same adorable guy, I grabbed the box of taquitos that somehow knew my name and how to scream it and decided it was time to get on home.

So here I am. Half a slice of banana cream pie and a handful of taquitos deep in my evening and I'd say all in all it was an okay day.

I think tomorrow will be hours and hours and hours at the bookstore and some valuable blogging time. Unfortunately, the guys at that Starbucks are even bigger dicks than Johnny McYouMustBeRetardedFace.

I promise my blogs will gradually get more entertaining or gradually less entertaining very soon.


Maybe she's born with it.
Maybe it's mayonnaise.




*joke.

An Open Letter to the Gent I Like,

Hello. How are you? Great. Me too.

You look nice. You always look nice. I always want to say you look nice, but every time I try to give a compliment it comes off as insincere. SO... you look nice. No, that wasn't sarcasm. Ugh.

Your eyes are particularly blue tonight.

Um. So, I know you've made out with a few of the girls I know. And that's cool. Hell, if I were attractive, I'd make out with a bunch of attractive people too. But for some reason whenever we're in a social setting, regardless of who you came with or who is around, you always find your way to me. You hug me like you mean it. The last time you wouldn't let me go for a solid 30 seconds. We always talk and laugh and have genuinely interesting conversation. Why do you do that?

We flirt pretty hard and I've all but said the words "I like you". Is it that you need to hear them? Because I do. I like you. So much so that it's taken over my blog. My blog where I've shamed women who do exactly what I'm doing right now. You make me stammer when we talk. No man has ever made me stammer. I'm not the stammering type. I've given you every opening and opportunity to make a move. And while you've made so much progress over the past year and have very clearly gotten more comfortable around me and with flirting with me, there's still something missing. You made out with those girls, but you talk to me and flirt with me even when they're around. But if you made out with them, then you're clearly not too reserved to seek out what you want. Is that the problem? Am I misreading your seemingly clear signals? You see, you leave me confused. I don't want to mistake your sweet, kind nature for flirtation... and most of the time I don't feel like I'm mistaken at all. Until we part ways. Then it's brief texts and nothing until I see you by chance again.

So if you're out there in the ether reading this somehow, just know that I do like you. Know that I'd like to hear about your job and your life and your stories. I'd like to know you. And as much as I envy the girls I know you've made out with and regardless of whether or not I'm misreading your signals, I'm honored that you choose me to talk to when there's a room full of people probably far more interesting than I.

I have nothing to hide anymore.
So, if you're not out there in the ether reading this somehow, you will know soon.
And so will I.

Like,
Shface

New Years Eve

Fear not, anonymous loyal readers, this shant be another serious-why-am-I-unloved post. I promise.

Today I have been doing some thinking about... well, my thoughts. Meta, right? But I digress. I've been thinking about how much shit I take from people and why I do that. If I am in a bar and some stranger smacks my ass, I won't take a second to think before I turn around and punch that motherfucker in the face. So why is it so hard for me to ask for what I want in life?

I have a friend who took our friendship for granted and since left me in the dust.
You all now know I am being trounced upon beautifully by the gent I like.
*There are others, but two examples shall be enough.

Why do I let people walk all over me? I know why. Fear. If I tell my friend she's hurting my feelings, I fear she will lash out at me, make it my fault and be angry about the situation. If I tell the gent that I like him (though I believe I've literally done everything but) and he somehow (though he'd be misleading) didn't feel the same and rejected me, I don't know how my heart would take it.

But what's the alternative? Permit someone I trusted to be my friend to continue to hurt my feelings? Maybe if I tell her that she's hurting me, the hurt can stop one way or another. Carry on with the heartache of never knowing whether or not the gent wants to see me more than just occasionally?

Risks are better when they're taken. Unless it's the board game. Then you should pay for them.

How the fuck does this all tie in, Shface?!

I'm gettin' to it, calm down..

Today I made a decision regarding my life. New Years Eve 2013 is going to be a defining moment in my life. Last year I sat in my room and drank a bottle of black cherry rum until I blacked out. This year, I'm going to a party. I'm going to find the perfect dress. I'm going to be with my friends and be happy regardless of everything that's trampling me.

I've made December 31st my deadline to say what I want to say to everyone in my life. Everyone. Gent, my shitty friend, my father who I haven't spoken to in four years, everyone. I want to start 2014 with a clean slate. I want to know what the people around me are feeling and thinking and I don't want to spend my short life wondering what could have been.

Hmm. I guess this turned out to be a serious post after all. Well, that's two in a row now.

Boobies.

-Shface

Love - A Serious Post (I Know, It's Weird for Me Too)

I'm breaking the mold tonight.

I'm not a serious blogger in a couple senses. I don't do it often and I don't fare well with emotional material. Not just in blogging; in life too. I find that this is one of the things that probably makes me impossible to love, if you're not my mother or a friend I've had since I was eight. I realized recently that I don't find myself worthy of love. It just came out of my mouth one day. I don't know why I feel this way, but I'm sure it would take a team of really kickass psychiatrists to figure it out. I lead my life with a false sense of confidence that apparently was indecipherable even to myself.

I don't date. I refuse to. I hate the concept. I've never casually dated. Nothing about getting dolled up and pretending to be who you're not while painfully discussing your high school years and their relevance to what a shitty person you actually turned out to be is enticing to me. So, needless to say I have to really, really like a guy to be interested enough to date him. Please don't mistake this questionable fastidiousness for arrogance. I don't think I'm better than other people; I just don't fancy wasting my time. I have to know someone's personality, their level of intelligence to some degree, if they can differentiate between "your" and "you're". There are a lot of factors that make a man "dating material" in my eyes. Maybe I'm missing some great experience. As I never went to college, I don't think I was ever properly socialized. I'm socially awkward to say the least.

How is this myriad of rambles in any way relevant to anything, Shface?!
Keep your fucking panties on. I'm getting there.

Well, over the past year and a half or so, I have been "in like" with a gent. In serious like. I think about him all the time and when I do, I feel it in my gut. Like I'm going down the first drop of a roller coaster. I can feel it as I type this. I haven't felt this feeling for about five years. I... don't know what to do with these feelings. I see so many of my friends go from girlfriend/boyfriend to girlfriend/boyfriend without batting an eye. I don't do dating. I've only done two serious relationships in my entire life. Why do I not feel worthy enough to do anything about it? This wasn't even the initial reason I wanted to blog about love.. but I guess it all ties in.

In some respects, I'm happy to have been single for three and a half years now. It's comfortable. I have me. I can rely on me. I'll never leave me. But sometimes, it'd be nice to have someone look out for me. To pursue me. To listen. To talk to. To love me. And to love.

I've hit the swing of my social existence where a lot of my friends are breaking up in their relationships. It makes me sad for them. I remember that pain. I remember it well. I don't remember the love. The love now feels artificial. It wasn't, but it's such a distant memory now that it feels so absurd.

Is there a point to this post?
Not really.
I just had some genuine thoughts about what's going on in my head and my heart and my gut and I wanted to share them.. here.

And if you're reading this, gent, the ball is in your court. Lolz.

Goodnight, dipshits.