Step one: Render yourself completely unattractive. Say things like "I don't care how I look. I have no one to impress.". Even though you don't believe what you've just said, your existence is meaningless enough for it to be a true statement anyway.Sweatpants and a messy bun waaaaaaay high on the top of your head oughta do it.
Step two: Practice your drinking. Since you've got no one tying you down, you have LOTS of downtime to get good at something. If you really wanna do "single" properly, you're gonna wanna get real good at drinking. Large quantities in small amounts of time is the preferable method.
Step three: When you've succeeded at drinking thirty times your body weight, make sure you make a fool of yourself at every given opportunity. Yelling things like "It's fine, I don't need no man!" while you're puking up your last six Jager shots into the toilet at the dive bar you're at means you're a champ. People respect you!
Step four: Speaking of people respect you, make sure you have LOTS of sex with LOTS of different people! This sends out the message that you're a cool girl with no strings attached. It also sends out the message that you're a whore... which wouldn't be okay if you weren't single. More wins! Don't forget to abandon rule one. If you're gonna BE a whore, you're gonna have to dress the part.
Step five: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about how relationships suck and you don't need no man.
Step five: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about alcohol.
Step six: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about drinking alcohol.
Step seven: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about puking up alcohol.. and possibly your stomach lining.
Step eight: Bitch about how many fucking pictures of some acquaintance's wedding are crampin' your style on your Facebook timeline. Then hide 'em all. Then drink some more alcohol.
Step nine: Do a shot every time your friends upload boring pictures of their babies. (only the boring ones though -- cute ones deserve their moment in the sun. you're single, not heartless.)
Step ten: Realize you're tired of being single. Date a douchebag. Dump a douchebag. Drink more alcohol. Go back to step one.
If you can't change your situation, change the way you think about it!
ReplyDeleteMinds take a lot of time to change persuasively.
I'd go with 'change the situation' because minds are tough to change, as are adult diapers.
Building on a recent success may be good way to do both.
Running as a positive substitute for smoking, can be turned into running a "fun run" for charity, which becomes a social event, which leads to meeting guys who are probably really social and healthy and like to do lots of different things, which leads to going to places where these things (and other things) can be done...
I actually love being single & don't wanna change a thing. This is a tongue-in-cheek observation of how people seem to do the whole single thing these days.
ReplyDeleteExcept for the drinking. I really am good at that. :)