Rant.

Once about every three months or so I check PerezHilton.com pretty much just to make sure certain people are still alive. And today was one of those days. While scoping certain articles, I realized a lot of them end with something to the effect of "What does this say to so-and-so's impressionable young fans?" and every time I read that I am filled with some sort of rage.

I understand the general point. Yes, there are young kids who've just discovered Hannah Montana and are watching Miley Cyrus' every move. Yes, there are young kids who've just seen The Parent Trap and are watching Lindsay Lohan's every move. But ask yourself this, when did we start watching celebrities' every move? Now ask yourself, why is that okay? People are allowed to not only follow celebrities and take their picture, but these people (who would be arrested for stalking in any other context) also make MILLIONS of dollars off of this very activity.

But back to my original case.

Why does this fill me with rage? Because though women like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan have made movies and tv shows for children/tweens, etc., they are still women. They are grown women who can live their life as they see it fit. While I don't always agree with Lohan's choices when it comes to how she spends her time or how she lies about every aspect of her life, it's not influencing my life and it never will.

If Miley Cyrus smokes and some asshole finds her at her home and takes a picture of it (which is a real thing that happened), she's supposed to feel bad because some asshole was infringing on her privacy for a quick buck?!

There HAS to be a difference between playing a character and the person playing the character. And if you're using entertainment to police your kids, well, they're gonna be fucked up no matter how long you try to keep them in the Disney bubble. These celebrities don't get paid to shield your children from all the big, scary things in the world. It's not part of their job description. It doesn't mean all their actions are condonable, but it does mean you should respect the fact that they're just people. Overglamorized, well-pampered, overpaid people. So, control what your kids watch and read if you don't like how some of these people act. Be a parent.

There was nothing funny in this blog, but I feel better after that rant.

3D Me Harder!

Here's a list of movies that should/will be/probably will be/should never be re-released in 3D... Think of the possibilities and then you decide which is which.

-Jurassic Park
-Avatar
-Dark Knight
-The three original Star Wars movies (New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, to the layperson)
-Galaxy Quest
-Billy Jack
-Schindler's List
-Happy Gilmore
-Monster
-Erin Brockovich
-Hocus Pocus
-The Exorcist
-Home Alone 3
-Glitter
-2010
-Sex and the City 2
-Leprechaun Back 2 the Hood
-Clifford
-Howard the Duck
-Jumanji
-Grumpy Old Men
-Weekend at Bernies II
-The Matrix
-Must Love Dogs
-Waterworld
-Richie Rich
-Ice Castles
-On Golden Pond
-Casino Royale
-The Social Network
-Mrs. Doubtfire

Did I miss anything?

How to be Single

Step one: Render yourself completely unattractive. Say things like "I don't care how I look. I have no one to impress.". Even though you don't believe what you've just said, your existence is meaningless enough for it to be a true statement anyway.Sweatpants and a messy bun waaaaaaay high on the top of your head oughta do it.

Step two: Practice your drinking. Since you've got no one tying you down, you have LOTS of downtime to get good at something. If you really wanna do "single" properly, you're gonna wanna get real good at drinking. Large quantities in small amounts of time is the preferable method.

Step three: When you've succeeded at drinking thirty times your body weight, make sure you make a fool of yourself at every given opportunity. Yelling things like "It's fine, I don't need no man!" while you're puking up your last six Jager shots into the toilet at the dive bar you're at means you're a champ. People respect you!

Step four: Speaking of people respect you, make sure you have LOTS of sex with LOTS of different people! This sends out the message that you're a cool girl with no strings attached. It also sends out the message that you're a whore... which wouldn't be okay if you weren't single. More wins! Don't forget to abandon rule one. If you're gonna BE a whore, you're gonna have to dress the part.

Step five: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about how relationships suck and you don't need no man.

Step five: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about alcohol.

Step six: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about drinking alcohol.

Step seven: Like a bunch of memes on Facebook about puking up alcohol.. and possibly your stomach lining.

Step eight: Bitch about how many fucking pictures of some acquaintance's wedding are crampin' your style on your Facebook timeline. Then hide 'em all. Then drink some more alcohol.

Step nine: Do a shot every time your friends upload boring pictures of their babies. (only the boring ones though -- cute ones deserve their moment in the sun. you're single, not heartless.)

Step ten: Realize you're tired of being single. Date a douchebag. Dump a douchebag. Drink more alcohol. Go back to step one.

ADDENDUM! ADDENDUM! FIFTY SHADES OF ADDENDUMS!

In my last post I mentioned that I couldn't really give a tangible personification of the realityness of the characters in Fifty Shades of Grey. Or I couldn't picture the characters clearly in my brain, to the layperson.

WELL, this morning, I was laying in bed playing "what day is it?" when it hit me like a whip on the ass in the Red Room of Pain... Christian Grey is Sterling Archer in my mind.

For anyone who's never SEEN Archer, first of all I pity you and second of all.. here's a little visual aid:

Yes. A cartoon. But in my brain he's not a cartoon, he's a person.. who looks identical to this. Sans pug.

















Or maybe something more akin to this:

I don't know. Either way, this is the first cartoon to ever have given me a total boner. And for that, I commend you, Sterling Archer!















DANGER ZONE!

Fifty Shades of Grey = Fifty Hours of Masturbation

So, anyone with a face knows about Fifty Shades of Grey by now, right? I mean, even the bath salt guy's naked Miami dinner guest and the guard surrounding Hannibal Lecter's prison cage know about what's being referred to as "mommy porn".

Let me tell you why I LOVED FSoG... (potential spoilers ahoy - character driven, not really plot-driven)

- The sexual tension in the first few chapters is absolutely palpable. You know what kind of book you're reading and you're like "Hey. Will you two get to fucking already so I can have some ammo for the cannon please?". And eventually they do.

- The underlying story of why Christian Grey is so fucked up constantly leaves you wanting more. Tidbits of information followed by huge romantic gestures or sexual encounters keep the story going in a really great and a really delicious way.

- This book doesn't remind me of anything and I love that. I'm not making this book into another book I've read. The characters are also pretty relatable, which is nice in a book with some broad content.

- I have no picture in my head of who Ana Steele or Christian Grey are. They have no image in my mind. It's like they're blurry. And normally I'd be incredibly frustrated by that, but I kind of enjoy it.

- This book is an easy read. There's no fancy intricacies or lines to read between. It's a story held together by a lot of fucked up situations, a lot of sweet romantic moments and a LOT of a sex.

- It's easy to masturbate to. I assume. I haven't used it as ammo, but I'd be a liar if I said I wouldn't let Christian Grey fuck me four ways from Sunday, if I'm not being too subtle. 

Honestly, my only hope is that they do NOT turn this into a movie. I know Hollywood will because the rights have already been sold and it's like not bothering to cash in on a gold mine, but there's something sacred about the book (and not just for this particular book. for all book to movie transitions!). Movies typically ruin how things looked in your head.

Plus, why don't they just bring David Duchovny out of Californication for a day to do the Red Shoe Diaries version of Fifty Shades of Grey? I mean, that's really all it would end up being is softcore porn.

Except for the flogging.

Laters, baby.

Celebrating Father's Day with Daddy Issues

( please read this post with the image of me presenting it in a completely obnoxiously happy manner! big smiles! it's funny, not depressing! :D )

As everyone knows, Sunday is Father's Day. This is where you yell "OH SHIT!" and go get your old man a card. Make sure it plays an obnoxious song when you open it. Dad's love that shit.

Hahahaha, just kidding. I have no idea what dads love.

Anyway, if you're lucky enough to have a father who's not a complete piece of shit, you're all set for Sunday. But if your dad is a walking dickmouth with too many illegitimate children, you stick with me, kid! I've got the perfect day planned for ya!

Step one - Sleep in. You deserve this. Somewhere there's a slutty whore bouncin' on your dad's balls. The least you can do is stay asleep long enough to forget that fact.

Step two - Call your mom. She's probably been pretty badass to compensate for what a crumpled sack of discarded foreskin your father is. Then invite her out for lunch. Even though she doesn't have a penis, she's still more of a dad than your dad is! Chin up! The day's only getting better!

Step three - Eat lunch with your mom so you can both get hammered and talk about how much you hate your dad.

Step four - Drive your mom home completely shitfaced. Remember, you both deserve it. Balls.

Step five - Call your friends that are finished hanging out with their actually awesome dads and then go out and continue getting hammered.

Step six - With your beer balls intact, create a wordy Facebook status about what a shit your dad is and how cool your mom is. Get your half siblings to "like" and "comment" on it.

Step seven - Yell "Happy Father's Day" while downing three tablespoons of NyQuil and then see how long you can fight to stay awake.

Step eight - Unconscious bliss.

And if your dad is actually a good dad, then be nice and get him that singing card. Still get hammered with your mom though. Remember, you deserve it.

Cheers! :D

Today's Random Brainleak...

I have a love for cheese, but choose to eat the vegan substitutes.

House plants freak me the fuck out.

Coffee turns me into a hyper freak.

I have never seen The Notebook.

I often make up songs about "putting on my whore face" to songs that already exist while I get ready for a night out. One day I'll film it.. cause it's really funny. To me, anyway. Last time it was a Meet Me in St. Louis medley. Wish I'd gotten that one on film.

I get bored with a season after a month. Needless to say, I'm ready for fall.

I will kick ANYONE'S ass in MarioKart.

I only kill hookers in GTA.

I like to get high and play Silent Hill.. cause it's scary, which in turn is fucking hilarious.

I like to get high in general.

I don't as often as I'd like.

My dog gets mad when I leave.

My liver gets mad when I drink too much.

You can imagine we fight a lot.

The day they figure out how to make cigarettes not kill you, I will smoke a whole pack.

I can tap dance.

There's no filter from my brain to my mouth.

My car needs an oil change.

I love to go camping in the summer.

If tattoos were erasable, I'd get a hundred of 'em. And then erase 'em all. America!

I speak (almost) fluent French. I guess that'd be "conversational" French.

When I was younger, I'd read a novel and then read it backwards. Sounds weird. It is weird.

I'm ridiculously punctual.. except when I go to work. I'm always fifteen minutes late.

I despise bad manners.

When I was four, I punched my cousin's friend in the face because she was yelling at me to get off the slide.

I only really talk to a handful of people from high school.

I went to two high schools because I got pulled out of the first one.. for.. well, for my behavior. Let's just say that.

I moved to New York by myself when I was 20. 

I moved back to Chicago when I was 21 because I ran out of money and my roommate was bleeding me dry.

I firmly believe in fate and signs and the like.

Pants suck.

Being the Count from Sesame Street must be SO cool.

I want to ride a brontosaurus.

There's no greater joy to me than making someone who is truly funny themselves laugh really hard.

The Kids in the Hall need to fucking tour again. STAT.

I need a PS3.

Or a 360.

Or a banana.

Or a bottle of Jack.

Or to shut the fuck up.

Amanda Bynes is Crazy... OR IS SHE??

Back in April, Amanda Bynes was reported as being arrested for a DUI. Not at all uncommon these days, but still always unfortunate to see a beloved child actor get busted for shit like that... though it reminds us they're human. Also around this time, Bynes was allegedly the driver in a few hit and run cases.

Amanda's DUI mugshot:

Now, the world had forgotten about this. Old news. DUIs become old news real fast these days, as they're so plentiful. Common knowledge, right?

Well, about a month and a half later, Miz Bynes takes to her Twitter to say that the DUI is basically bullshit and everyone is making up stories. Um... what? Then where did that beautiful mugshot come from, dear? Alright, whatever. Maybe she's just fucking around.
Until yesterday...

When Bynes took to her Twitter to ask Obama (who I'm sure would love to take time out of his busy schedule to make sure the cop who arrested a Hollywood C-list celebrity drops her DUI and loses his job) to assess the situation. The degree of her seriousness of involving the President is TBD, but if the DUI is false and you don't drink, WHY are you being arrested?

And then I thought.. I spent a lot of years trying to keep up with Lindsay Lohan's drama before it got ridiculous.. and I do have a theory. Hollywood, especially the young woman partying side of Hollywood, seem to be like some kind of optical illusion. The audience, the reader, the voyeur is typically only given a quarter of the story. Who's to say this girl WASN'T drinking? Cop sets up a paparazzo, makes some side cash on a starlet's DUI. Who's to say the woman working in the jewelry store didn't say "Try this on, Miss Lohan, now let me distract you with a bunch of other stuff on purpose so you forget you're wearing it and I can call you a thief and take all your money in court"? I mean, seriously. It's really hard to say what's true. So as crazy as I thought Amanda Bynes sounded at first, maybe she really didn't do it.

Hollywood is a scary fucking place.
Unless you're just visiting. Then it's lovely.