First of all, PediaSure's slogan should be "PediaSure: For When You're Too Much of a Pussy to Make Your Kid Eat".
I have no issue with the PediaSure product itself. It's supplemental nutrients. I'm all for children's health.
It's the commercials I can't stand.
Each commercial starts with a mother at her child's mercy begging said child to eat.
<PROBLEM> As a parent, you should not BEG your kids to do anything. You are the parent! In my day, if you didn't eat what was in front of you, you didn't eat! Trust me, kids aren't fond of starvation.
Each commercial contains the paraphrased line "My kid is a picky eater".
<PROBLEM> Welcome to America. Where our asshole children are allowed to be picky about the myriad of food they're provided with.
And OF COURSE your son is running slow! He's dressed up like fucking french fries!
I guess these commercials grate on my every nerve with parents letting kids do whatever they want. No amount of PediaSure can replace the healthy foods Michelle Obama would like to Gallagher your children with. And I'm sure that's somewhere in the fine print on these stupid ass commercials.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Justin Bieber..?
No, not Justin Bieber.
Well, sort of Justin Bieber.
Today I wanna talk to you about the difference between today's kids and 90s kids and if there really is a difference.
Disclaimer: This particular post will be incredibly biased as I did not grow up everywhere, with everyone of every type of general background. Although please note, I am not intentionally making this a biased post. I'm just telling you idiots what it is I know firsthand.
Now, I'm twenty six and for all intents and purposes, that's not all that old. Although, I guess anything after twenty five is "almost thirty".. until you get to thirty. Then you're dead. But only on the inside.
Anyhow, though I lived through some of the 80s, I'd technically call myself a child of the 90s. And over the past couple years, I've noticed how significantly different my childhood was from those of kids today. So let's see if we can narrow down some differences between the kids of the 90s and the kids of now, roughly around the age of 11/12.. (again, remember the bias) ((to further enhance my bias, I'd like you to know that I grew up extremely poor..))
90s: Girls my age liked boy bands. We obsessed. We called dibs on our favorites. We tore their posters out of Bop. This was life. It was not OUR PARENTS' lives.
Now: Girls like Justin Bieber, One Direction, etc.; you know, boy bands. They obsess. They call dibs. And so do their parents. And I'm sorry, but that's just fucking creepy. Hashtag icky.
90s: I don't know about you other 90s nimrods, but I didn't get my first cell phone until I was eighteen. Granted, I understand these technologies have advanced since I was a kid.
Now: Every kid over the age of four has a fucking iPhone.
90s: We played outside in the summer.
Now: They play PS3 in the summer. (I'm just jealous cause I want one)
90s: We read books. For fun!
Now: They read Twilight.. which has less substance to it than See Spot Run.
90s: We had Nick at Nite.
Now: They have Nick@Nite.
90s: We had shit like Gak and Floam... and Super Soakers.
Now: They have NOTHING on Gak and Floam... and especially not Super Soakers.
90s: We stole beers when our parents weren't looking.
Now: They distill hand sanitizer and drink it. Ha. Amateurs.
90s: Everything was not a hazard or a potentially life-threatening thing.
Now: Everything has a warning label and/or is bad for you and/or might definitely kill you... twice.
90s: We asked something of our parents. They said no. We bitched and complained. We got grounded.
Now: They ask something of their parents. They say no. They bitch and complain. They get it anyway.
I'm derailing a bit now, but kids today are just a different breed for the most part. And now I'm feeling totally nostalgic.
So, I'm gonna grab a freeze pop, put on my BK Knights and watch some Pete and Pete.
Well, sort of Justin Bieber.
Today I wanna talk to you about the difference between today's kids and 90s kids and if there really is a difference.
Disclaimer: This particular post will be incredibly biased as I did not grow up everywhere, with everyone of every type of general background. Although please note, I am not intentionally making this a biased post. I'm just telling you idiots what it is I know firsthand.
Now, I'm twenty six and for all intents and purposes, that's not all that old. Although, I guess anything after twenty five is "almost thirty".. until you get to thirty. Then you're dead. But only on the inside.
Anyhow, though I lived through some of the 80s, I'd technically call myself a child of the 90s. And over the past couple years, I've noticed how significantly different my childhood was from those of kids today. So let's see if we can narrow down some differences between the kids of the 90s and the kids of now, roughly around the age of 11/12.. (again, remember the bias) ((to further enhance my bias, I'd like you to know that I grew up extremely poor..))
90s: Girls my age liked boy bands. We obsessed. We called dibs on our favorites. We tore their posters out of Bop. This was life. It was not OUR PARENTS' lives.
Now: Girls like Justin Bieber, One Direction, etc.; you know, boy bands. They obsess. They call dibs. And so do their parents. And I'm sorry, but that's just fucking creepy. Hashtag icky.
90s: I don't know about you other 90s nimrods, but I didn't get my first cell phone until I was eighteen. Granted, I understand these technologies have advanced since I was a kid.
Now: Every kid over the age of four has a fucking iPhone.
90s: We played outside in the summer.
Now: They play PS3 in the summer. (I'm just jealous cause I want one)
90s: We read books. For fun!
Now: They read Twilight.. which has less substance to it than See Spot Run.
90s: We had Nick at Nite.
Now: They have Nick@Nite.
90s: We had shit like Gak and Floam... and Super Soakers.
Now: They have NOTHING on Gak and Floam... and especially not Super Soakers.
90s: We stole beers when our parents weren't looking.
Now: They distill hand sanitizer and drink it. Ha. Amateurs.
90s: Everything was not a hazard or a potentially life-threatening thing.
Now: Everything has a warning label and/or is bad for you and/or might definitely kill you... twice.
90s: We asked something of our parents. They said no. We bitched and complained. We got grounded.
Now: They ask something of their parents. They say no. They bitch and complain. They get it anyway.
I'm derailing a bit now, but kids today are just a different breed for the most part. And now I'm feeling totally nostalgic.
So, I'm gonna grab a freeze pop, put on my BK Knights and watch some Pete and Pete.
Buying Your Girlfriend a Gift She'll Love...
Now, a lot of my blogs are more geared toward advice for the ladies, I suppose. I try to keep my advice and opinions relatively unbiased as far as gender and sexuality go. However, in my opinion, this is an area that men need more help with than women typically do.
So, in the instance you need to buy your lady something for a special occasion, let me tell you how. You take your left ear and your right ear, and you fucking LISTEN. Cause six out of seven cardiologists agree that she's probably already told you several times what she'd be interested in you buying her.
Women drop hints hard about what they want. Some women even flat out say it!
"Oh, I love that necklace. If you can't think of something to get me for Christmas, get me that necklace..."
That doesn't mean buy her a random season of The Waltons, a cubic zirconia ring from Walmart and a homemade coupon for "one free boning session - with no expiration date".
It means, "Hey. I want that fucking necklace... and I'm probably gonna be pretty pissed if you get me something shitty."
Now while I don't necessarily condone that last statement, I do understand it. I'm not big on "things" in general. I mean I like weird, random shit... but like jewelry, fancy knick knacks, decor, etc... Not wild about em. But if there's something I have my heart set on and you get me a shittier version of a shittier version of what I want (yes, I meant to say that twice), I'm probably gonna be disheartened. Yes, I hear how terrible that sounds. Personally, I'd never be outwardly disappointed. The fact that someone thought enough to get me a gift, even if not exactly what I'd anticipated is delightful in itself. But I digress.
So fellas, if you're struggling with what to get your pal with the vagina for a special occasion, just fucking listen. She'll tell ya. And if she doesn't, just ask. And not the night before. Idiot.
And ladies, if you find yourself struggling with what to get the majestic penis in your life, just get him something fancy and impractical that you can play with too.
There's a dirty joke in there somewhere. I trust you all to find it.
So, in the instance you need to buy your lady something for a special occasion, let me tell you how. You take your left ear and your right ear, and you fucking LISTEN. Cause six out of seven cardiologists agree that she's probably already told you several times what she'd be interested in you buying her.
Women drop hints hard about what they want. Some women even flat out say it!
"Oh, I love that necklace. If you can't think of something to get me for Christmas, get me that necklace..."
That doesn't mean buy her a random season of The Waltons, a cubic zirconia ring from Walmart and a homemade coupon for "one free boning session - with no expiration date".
It means, "Hey. I want that fucking necklace... and I'm probably gonna be pretty pissed if you get me something shitty."
Now while I don't necessarily condone that last statement, I do understand it. I'm not big on "things" in general. I mean I like weird, random shit... but like jewelry, fancy knick knacks, decor, etc... Not wild about em. But if there's something I have my heart set on and you get me a shittier version of a shittier version of what I want (yes, I meant to say that twice), I'm probably gonna be disheartened. Yes, I hear how terrible that sounds. Personally, I'd never be outwardly disappointed. The fact that someone thought enough to get me a gift, even if not exactly what I'd anticipated is delightful in itself. But I digress.
So fellas, if you're struggling with what to get your pal with the vagina for a special occasion, just fucking listen. She'll tell ya. And if she doesn't, just ask. And not the night before. Idiot.
And ladies, if you find yourself struggling with what to get the majestic penis in your life, just get him something fancy and impractical that you can play with too.
There's a dirty joke in there somewhere. I trust you all to find it.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Hi, me? It's me. Have we met?
My turning point in life was post an aforementioned break up from a three year relationship. When your world feels shattered, albeit only very briefly (yes! heartbreak DOES go away, contrary to popular belief!), you have no choice but to find where you went wrong, fix it and move forward.
So, this is a two part jeshface lesson today, kids..
Part One.
How to break up and deal with a break up.
If you find yourself in a situation where you're unhappy in your relationship or you just feel that it's time to move on, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. Having that feeling at all is definitely an indicator that no matter how hard your brain wants to be in this shit for the long haul, your heart is just not in it. And that's not fair to the person you're subjecting your half-hearted bullshit to. So, the next step is obviously to break up. And for this, there is no good advice. There's no GOOD way to break up. But here are are a few, hopefully really fucking obvious "don't"s.
1- Don't break up over the phone. I don't care if you've been dating two years or two days. Breaking up over some medium that is not your face to his/her face is a pussy's way out and so fucking tacky.
2- Don't do it in a public arena. The voyeur in all of us would love to watch a relationship fall apart on TV, but no one wants to watch it happen in life.
3- Don't do it out of the blue. When one person thinks everything is peachy and the other one knows they're about to shatter your heart, that breakup is gonna fucking sting like a thousand god damn bees. And I'm allergic. (irrelevant.)
4- Don't do it on a holiday, birthday, anniversary or weekend... unless provoked. That's just shitty.
5- Don't do it over and over again. Break up and get back together ONCE. If you're still on again/off again after that, 9 out of 10 dentists agree that you're not gonna fucking last. So give it up.
So, now you've broken up/been broken up with. Which leads me to part two of part one of today's lesson. Ya got that?
How to Deal with a Breakup.
Let me take you back to July 3rd, 2010. It was a normal day. I was looking forward to some particular outing that night with my boyfriend and his family. But my boyfriend was particularly moody and quiet, which was odd for him because he was typically the most talkative, outgoing sonofabitch in the room. We were sitting in my living room making fun of 16 and Pregnant. Then there was a commercial. Then he said those three words that no one in a relationship ever wants to hear. "We need to talk". Four words. Not three. Jesus, I gotta stop drinking.
From there, obviously we had broken up. There was no real reason and I was too hurt to ask, but it was over. I cried like a little girl and stormed out of my own house with my dog and just went for a walk. When I came back, he was still there... so I took to my most trusted defense mechanism, putting on my strong, "I don't give a fuck" face (heh.. fuckface) and went in the house. I took off the ring he bought me, left it in the bathroom and led him out the door.
Then it was like my entire face melted into a sea of tears. I laid on my bedroom floor for hours. Crying uncontrollably. What had just happened? The man I had planned to marry, my whole world, the one person I felt I could truly trust was out of my life possibly forever. I spent the entire next day like this. Crying uncontrollably at pretty much everything. It was the 4th of July and we had so many plans for the 4th.
Now, if you're feeling bummed about heartbroken jeshface, let me tell you what happened the following day. I had this day off work thanks to the holiday. I woke up and I decided to go out. To go do something. To not LIVE in my pain. And you know what? It fucking worked. People criticize me for my "excessive partying", which is not at all excessive, but getting out and living life for yourself is the best way to handle a breakup. It sounds unhealthy because you're basically just avoiding your emotions, but eventually you'll have to find some closure anyhow. If you're keeping your brain at a distance from your pain, dealing with the reality isn't going to be as hard.
And yes, exes can be friends. I still consider the aforementioned ex one of my very best friends and a person I'd be very sad if I didn't know.
It took me three days to get over the tears and the hurt. I found my closure about two months later. So you see, heartbreak isn't forever no matter the longevity of the relationship. Life absolutely goes on and only gets better.. Treat every relationship as a learning experience.
And this leads me to my final lesson.
How to live for yourself without seeming like a selfish dick.
The one thing most of us forget about when we're in relationships is how to live for one's self. I certainly did. Everything is "what if"s about him/her or "what can I do for" him/her. You forget you. That's not necessarily a bad thing. That's love. That's selflessness. It's a beautiful thing.
However, living solely for other people and never doing you is a terrible thing. Theoretically, we only have one shot at life.. So ask yourself... "Why am I spending MY life not living for ME?". Why have a lifetime of doing things you don't wanna do to not incur the wrath of others? That's no life at all.
Now here's how to do it without seeming like such a selfish dick...
1- Make plans sometimes. When you make plans, you don't leave much of a window for interruption or interception. Be spontaneous often, but make plans as well.
2- Be honest. Most of my posts seem to come back to my deep love of honesty. But honesty can fix and be preventative maintenance on a lot of life's problems. If your friend asks you to go do something with him/her and you don't want to, instead of saying "I gotta dye my grandma's hair", say "I'm not really feelin' it tonight. Maybe another time.". And how they react is their problem, not yours. That sounds terrible, but it's true. Oprah once said some shit about how our lives are based on our reactions to others' actions. And for once, that broad kinda makes some sense.
3- Speak freely and know to whom you are speaking. (and don't end a sentence with a preposition)
Our friends and significant others are supposed to be our second family. They're supposed to be the ones we can go to with anything. So trust them with your words and trust them with your life. And if you can't trust them, maybe you should just throw 'em outta your car on the expressway. Or just reevaluate your friendship. That one might be a better choice.
4- Be a selfless friend and a selfless lover. Do anything for those that love you. Not as a means to be on good graces until your next fuck up, but as a means to understand love and how powerful it is. But mistake me not, "selfless" doesn't mean "doormat". Don't ever be a doormat for anyone. Which leads me to #5.
5- Stand up for yourself. When people are pushing you around or treating you like shit, you call them out on it. That's not to say you stand up in front of their parents and yell obscenities at them. But make sure they know when they grind your gears. Don't let anyone treat you like shit. ANYONE. Because no one deserves that.
Take these knowledge bombs. Make yourself happier. Look at the people you surround yourself with. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my post-breakup epiphany doesn't strike you as hard as it strikes me... Well.. maybe you suck and I'm awesome.
I need a drink.
So, this is a two part jeshface lesson today, kids..
Part One.
How to break up and deal with a break up.
If you find yourself in a situation where you're unhappy in your relationship or you just feel that it's time to move on, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. Having that feeling at all is definitely an indicator that no matter how hard your brain wants to be in this shit for the long haul, your heart is just not in it. And that's not fair to the person you're subjecting your half-hearted bullshit to. So, the next step is obviously to break up. And for this, there is no good advice. There's no GOOD way to break up. But here are are a few, hopefully really fucking obvious "don't"s.
1- Don't break up over the phone. I don't care if you've been dating two years or two days. Breaking up over some medium that is not your face to his/her face is a pussy's way out and so fucking tacky.
2- Don't do it in a public arena. The voyeur in all of us would love to watch a relationship fall apart on TV, but no one wants to watch it happen in life.
3- Don't do it out of the blue. When one person thinks everything is peachy and the other one knows they're about to shatter your heart, that breakup is gonna fucking sting like a thousand god damn bees. And I'm allergic. (irrelevant.)
4- Don't do it on a holiday, birthday, anniversary or weekend... unless provoked. That's just shitty.
5- Don't do it over and over again. Break up and get back together ONCE. If you're still on again/off again after that, 9 out of 10 dentists agree that you're not gonna fucking last. So give it up.
So, now you've broken up/been broken up with. Which leads me to part two of part one of today's lesson. Ya got that?
How to Deal with a Breakup.
Let me take you back to July 3rd, 2010. It was a normal day. I was looking forward to some particular outing that night with my boyfriend and his family. But my boyfriend was particularly moody and quiet, which was odd for him because he was typically the most talkative, outgoing sonofabitch in the room. We were sitting in my living room making fun of 16 and Pregnant. Then there was a commercial. Then he said those three words that no one in a relationship ever wants to hear. "We need to talk". Four words. Not three. Jesus, I gotta stop drinking.
From there, obviously we had broken up. There was no real reason and I was too hurt to ask, but it was over. I cried like a little girl and stormed out of my own house with my dog and just went for a walk. When I came back, he was still there... so I took to my most trusted defense mechanism, putting on my strong, "I don't give a fuck" face (heh.. fuckface) and went in the house. I took off the ring he bought me, left it in the bathroom and led him out the door.
Then it was like my entire face melted into a sea of tears. I laid on my bedroom floor for hours. Crying uncontrollably. What had just happened? The man I had planned to marry, my whole world, the one person I felt I could truly trust was out of my life possibly forever. I spent the entire next day like this. Crying uncontrollably at pretty much everything. It was the 4th of July and we had so many plans for the 4th.
Now, if you're feeling bummed about heartbroken jeshface, let me tell you what happened the following day. I had this day off work thanks to the holiday. I woke up and I decided to go out. To go do something. To not LIVE in my pain. And you know what? It fucking worked. People criticize me for my "excessive partying", which is not at all excessive, but getting out and living life for yourself is the best way to handle a breakup. It sounds unhealthy because you're basically just avoiding your emotions, but eventually you'll have to find some closure anyhow. If you're keeping your brain at a distance from your pain, dealing with the reality isn't going to be as hard.
And yes, exes can be friends. I still consider the aforementioned ex one of my very best friends and a person I'd be very sad if I didn't know.
It took me three days to get over the tears and the hurt. I found my closure about two months later. So you see, heartbreak isn't forever no matter the longevity of the relationship. Life absolutely goes on and only gets better.. Treat every relationship as a learning experience.
And this leads me to my final lesson.
How to live for yourself without seeming like a selfish dick.
The one thing most of us forget about when we're in relationships is how to live for one's self. I certainly did. Everything is "what if"s about him/her or "what can I do for" him/her. You forget you. That's not necessarily a bad thing. That's love. That's selflessness. It's a beautiful thing.
However, living solely for other people and never doing you is a terrible thing. Theoretically, we only have one shot at life.. So ask yourself... "Why am I spending MY life not living for ME?". Why have a lifetime of doing things you don't wanna do to not incur the wrath of others? That's no life at all.
Now here's how to do it without seeming like such a selfish dick...
1- Make plans sometimes. When you make plans, you don't leave much of a window for interruption or interception. Be spontaneous often, but make plans as well.
2- Be honest. Most of my posts seem to come back to my deep love of honesty. But honesty can fix and be preventative maintenance on a lot of life's problems. If your friend asks you to go do something with him/her and you don't want to, instead of saying "I gotta dye my grandma's hair", say "I'm not really feelin' it tonight. Maybe another time.". And how they react is their problem, not yours. That sounds terrible, but it's true. Oprah once said some shit about how our lives are based on our reactions to others' actions. And for once, that broad kinda makes some sense.
3- Speak freely and know to whom you are speaking. (and don't end a sentence with a preposition)
Our friends and significant others are supposed to be our second family. They're supposed to be the ones we can go to with anything. So trust them with your words and trust them with your life. And if you can't trust them, maybe you should just throw 'em outta your car on the expressway. Or just reevaluate your friendship. That one might be a better choice.
4- Be a selfless friend and a selfless lover. Do anything for those that love you. Not as a means to be on good graces until your next fuck up, but as a means to understand love and how powerful it is. But mistake me not, "selfless" doesn't mean "doormat". Don't ever be a doormat for anyone. Which leads me to #5.
5- Stand up for yourself. When people are pushing you around or treating you like shit, you call them out on it. That's not to say you stand up in front of their parents and yell obscenities at them. But make sure they know when they grind your gears. Don't let anyone treat you like shit. ANYONE. Because no one deserves that.
Take these knowledge bombs. Make yourself happier. Look at the people you surround yourself with. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my post-breakup epiphany doesn't strike you as hard as it strikes me... Well.. maybe you suck and I'm awesome.
I need a drink.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
People Who Drop Their Emotional Baggage All Over Facebook...
Let me preface this post by saying that this has nothing to do with expressing emotion on Facebook. Sometimes a cryptic lyric as a status really just feels good to put out there. We've all been there, I'm pretty sure we've all done it. At least I have. If you haven't, well... you're probably much better off than the rest of us, you pompous dick.
This post was actually first inspired by one of my Facebook friends, who for all intents and purposes we'll call Judy. Now, Judy is particularly annoying anyway. She likes attention. A LOT. She likes to lie and bullshit in order to get said attention. Frankly, people who know Judy well enough always know when she's making shit up. And I, being one of them, will gladly call her out on it at every opportunity.
One night, thanks to the NEW "I-CAN-SEE-EVERYTHING-EVERYONE-DOES-AT-ANY-FUCKING-MOMENT" Facebook (Touche, Zuckerberg), I saw Judy saw it fit to leave a big, long message on her boyfriend's Facebook wall about what a shitty boyfriend he is. Petty things too. Nothing life-altering or even relationship-altering. Just petty bullshit arguments that all couples tend to have now and again. Regardless, the post was the equivalent of about three paragraphs, if she had any knowledge of grammar or punctuation or even knew how to separate paragraphs properly.
My first thought was "Wow, he must've really pissed her off this time.."... which was immediately interrupted by my next thought; "Why the FUCK are you putting this on Facebook?!!". My answer to the latter is quite simple and was explained earlier in this post. Judy loves attention. She wants everyone to see how "poorly" she's treated, to gain everyone's pretend sympathy.
So I thought on it for a little while and realized how inappropriate it is to hash out relationship problems on Facebook where everyone can see. Obviously, I would think. I didn't think on it again until I saw another one of my Facebook friends do it to HER boyfriend. Then I thought, WHAT THE FUCK?! Is this how relationships and general communication (salute!) are actually happening now?! What's next? Is your boss gonna tell you you're getting promoted by poking you on your Facebook wall? Is your dog gonna tell you it needs to be walked through Facebook chat?
The long-winded point I'm trying to make here is to keep your relationship squabbles PRIVATE. Because first of all, it's nobody's business but yours.. and secondly NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. We all have our own relationship stuff to deal with and the last thing we need is to have to bear witness to someone else's.
And also, if I get another game request today, I'm going to lose my shit.
Thanks.
This post was actually first inspired by one of my Facebook friends, who for all intents and purposes we'll call Judy. Now, Judy is particularly annoying anyway. She likes attention. A LOT. She likes to lie and bullshit in order to get said attention. Frankly, people who know Judy well enough always know when she's making shit up. And I, being one of them, will gladly call her out on it at every opportunity.
One night, thanks to the NEW "I-CAN-SEE-EVERYTHING-EVERYONE-DOES-AT-ANY-FUCKING-MOMENT" Facebook (Touche, Zuckerberg), I saw Judy saw it fit to leave a big, long message on her boyfriend's Facebook wall about what a shitty boyfriend he is. Petty things too. Nothing life-altering or even relationship-altering. Just petty bullshit arguments that all couples tend to have now and again. Regardless, the post was the equivalent of about three paragraphs, if she had any knowledge of grammar or punctuation or even knew how to separate paragraphs properly.
My first thought was "Wow, he must've really pissed her off this time.."... which was immediately interrupted by my next thought; "Why the FUCK are you putting this on Facebook?!!". My answer to the latter is quite simple and was explained earlier in this post. Judy loves attention. She wants everyone to see how "poorly" she's treated, to gain everyone's pretend sympathy.
So I thought on it for a little while and realized how inappropriate it is to hash out relationship problems on Facebook where everyone can see. Obviously, I would think. I didn't think on it again until I saw another one of my Facebook friends do it to HER boyfriend. Then I thought, WHAT THE FUCK?! Is this how relationships and general communication (salute!) are actually happening now?! What's next? Is your boss gonna tell you you're getting promoted by poking you on your Facebook wall? Is your dog gonna tell you it needs to be walked through Facebook chat?
The long-winded point I'm trying to make here is to keep your relationship squabbles PRIVATE. Because first of all, it's nobody's business but yours.. and secondly NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. We all have our own relationship stuff to deal with and the last thing we need is to have to bear witness to someone else's.
And also, if I get another game request today, I'm going to lose my shit.
Thanks.
Monday, May 7, 2012
#SingleGirlProblems?
So a friend of mine posted a link to a blog post of sorts on Facebook today... and it just so happened to be a topic I've been wanting to address, and kind of have been addressing little by little on my Twitter. The article (which I will link at the bottom of this post) was written by a twenty seven year old single woman who has reached the point in her life where everyone who reads her "single-life" activities on Facebook looks down their nose at her in one way or another.
I thought this was interesting. We all hit the "party phase" of our lives and this phase can last for different periods of time for different people. Personally, I never went to a university and got to experience getting trashed all the time in my late teens. Granted, I was trashed all the time in my late teens, but not at a college. But quite frankly, I'm in agreement with the writer of the post. I'd much rather read a Facebook status involving some ridiculous drunk hijinks than have to be assaulted by essentially the same photo of your not-old-enough-to-be-interesting-in-pictures-yet infant because you can't just put them all in one album at once and spare us all the agony of forcing your child's alien face down our respective throat.
I guess what I'm getting at here is.. I agree wholeheartedly with what this woman has to say. I just cannot put it quite as eloquently. So, here you are. Her words, which are worlds better than mine.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-people-who-judge-my-single-post-college-lifestyle
I thought this was interesting. We all hit the "party phase" of our lives and this phase can last for different periods of time for different people. Personally, I never went to a university and got to experience getting trashed all the time in my late teens. Granted, I was trashed all the time in my late teens, but not at a college. But quite frankly, I'm in agreement with the writer of the post. I'd much rather read a Facebook status involving some ridiculous drunk hijinks than have to be assaulted by essentially the same photo of your not-old-enough-to-be-interesting-in-pictures-yet infant because you can't just put them all in one album at once and spare us all the agony of forcing your child's alien face down our respective throat.
I guess what I'm getting at here is.. I agree wholeheartedly with what this woman has to say. I just cannot put it quite as eloquently. So, here you are. Her words, which are worlds better than mine.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-people-who-judge-my-single-post-college-lifestyle
Saturday, May 5, 2012
How to Throw a Cinco de Mayo House Party...
Well, kids, it's Cinco de Mayo and since I'm having a gathering this evening, I thought I might share with you the proper way to throw a house party.
Step one: Invites. Invite only the people you like/know are gonna come/aren't going to bring people you hate/don't break or steal shit/don't bring drama/who are willing to help you clean up the next day. The last one just builds character.
Step two: Booze and food. Make sure you have lots of it... because the consumption of both has two phases; gettin' the party started and carryin' it into the early hours of the morning. Also, make sure you have one really creative booze item to add to your party pizazz... I just said pizazz... Anyway. For example, tonight I am serving my own special recipe of mexican salad chicken wraps, a bevy of snacks, my homemade chips n salsa and vodka-soaked gummy bears! You see, most of my food is mexican food which means I am a true blue Cinco de Mayo... er. I also went balls to the wall and spent two hours making double rainbow cupcakes last night! I am also in possession of two cases of beer, a handle of tequila and a bottle of vodka. I think I'm ready.
Step three: Pretend you're Mexican. Then, consume all the booze you possibly can. Make sure to send drunk texts saying things to people you're too shy to say when you're not Cinco de Drunk. Then eat more of that food you made. Half of it's on the floor by now, but it's okay. Thirty minute rule. Play drinking games until you can't feel your face. Smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. Smoke a whole bunch of weed. Lose your pants. Pass out in the hallway. Spend the next day apologizing to yourself in the mirror.
OLE!
Step one: Invites. Invite only the people you like/know are gonna come/aren't going to bring people you hate/don't break or steal shit/don't bring drama/who are willing to help you clean up the next day. The last one just builds character.
Step two: Booze and food. Make sure you have lots of it... because the consumption of both has two phases; gettin' the party started and carryin' it into the early hours of the morning. Also, make sure you have one really creative booze item to add to your party pizazz... I just said pizazz... Anyway. For example, tonight I am serving my own special recipe of mexican salad chicken wraps, a bevy of snacks, my homemade chips n salsa and vodka-soaked gummy bears! You see, most of my food is mexican food which means I am a true blue Cinco de Mayo... er. I also went balls to the wall and spent two hours making double rainbow cupcakes last night! I am also in possession of two cases of beer, a handle of tequila and a bottle of vodka. I think I'm ready.
Step three: Pretend you're Mexican. Then, consume all the booze you possibly can. Make sure to send drunk texts saying things to people you're too shy to say when you're not Cinco de Drunk. Then eat more of that food you made. Half of it's on the floor by now, but it's okay. Thirty minute rule. Play drinking games until you can't feel your face. Smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. Smoke a whole bunch of weed. Lose your pants. Pass out in the hallway. Spend the next day apologizing to yourself in the mirror.
OLE!
Dr. Pepper 10...
A friend of mine brought this up on Facebook today and I've actually been meaning to write a little bit about it for a while because it pisses me off so badly. The team in charge of advertising for Dr. Pepper 10 should be fired. Their whole marketing theme is degrading to both women and men alike.
"Dr. Pepper 10: It's Not For Women"
vs.
"Diet Pepsi: It's Less Fucking Calories".
Why should men have to be ashamed that they want to consume a diet beverage? And why is it a super secret, no girls allowed beverage? Does it tickle your testicles or something? Don't tell me what beverage I can or cannot consume!
Every so often I have the urge to go grab a case of Dr. Pepper 10, bring it up to a male cashier and say something like "YEAH. I'm a woman. And I'm buying this for ME. And I'm gonna drink 'em all. So fuck you.". But then I remember that he's just a cashier. If he handled the advertisement for this particular beverage I'm purchasing, he probably would quit his cashiering job.
So, you know what, Dr. Pepper 10, I don't fucking want you anyway. Eat a dick.
Plus I prefer Coke Zero when it comes to diet beverages.
"Dr. Pepper 10: It's Not For Women"
vs.
"Diet Pepsi: It's Less Fucking Calories".
Why should men have to be ashamed that they want to consume a diet beverage? And why is it a super secret, no girls allowed beverage? Does it tickle your testicles or something? Don't tell me what beverage I can or cannot consume!
Every so often I have the urge to go grab a case of Dr. Pepper 10, bring it up to a male cashier and say something like "YEAH. I'm a woman. And I'm buying this for ME. And I'm gonna drink 'em all. So fuck you.". But then I remember that he's just a cashier. If he handled the advertisement for this particular beverage I'm purchasing, he probably would quit his cashiering job.
So, you know what, Dr. Pepper 10, I don't fucking want you anyway. Eat a dick.
Plus I prefer Coke Zero when it comes to diet beverages.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
How to Properly Get a Pet with Your Significant Other...
I have quite a few unmarried friends in relationships that are settled in with their significant others and are considering getting a pet. Let me just say this... DON'T. But if you really, really, really want to, abide by the following guidelines...
1- Decide Whose Pet it REALLY is...
Don't get me wrong, I adore animals. ADORE THEM. My dog is like my child. He's spoiled rotten and I love him more than most human beings. However, he is and always has been MINE. I was in a long-term relationship when I found him, but it was always understood that he was my dog. Granted, he was treated as if he was OUR dog.
But there was never a question when we split up who would get my little muchacho. He was mine. And that was hard on my ex. So, while this wouldn't be an easy scenario even if you do this, make sure you decide who gets the dog/cat/etc. if, god forbid, you split up. I know, I know, you're soulmates and you'll never break up! Yeah, decide anyway. Cause breakups happen, kids.
2- If You're Getting a Dog Specifically, Make Sure You are Ready For One...
I grew up with dogs. And so when I found the little demon that's presently nestled at the foot of my bed, I was ecstatic about finally having one of my own. My own little baby! Yeah. Well.. here's the thing; dogs are a lot of fucking work. And they require you to be home often.. They're like infants who are always infants. Essentially they're helpless, voiceless, hungry, needy little babies who rely on you for everything. So make sure you're ready to sacrifice some things. And don't leave just one of you to do all the legwork.. that's just some bullshit. Cats are certainly less maintenance, but they are also assholes. Also, dogs are fucking expensive. Once a year you're lookin' at a few hundred dollars for vaccinations.. not to mention a spay/neuter, any and all accidents, leashes, collars, food, toys, chewies, treats, heartworm meds, flea and tick meds... IT ADDS THE FUCK UP. Now, I'm not saying don't get a dog. At all. I know, it sure as hell sounded like it, right? I'm not. I don't mind spending a shit ton of money on my pooch because I love him so much. I just wanted to make clear the realities of what owning a dog is like, if you're unaware.
And do research on your breeds! I cannot stress this enough.
People hate my dog so much because he's part Chihuahua and is therefore possessive of me. He barks a lot and it takes a while before he's comfortable with other people. But that's how his breed is. Also, his trachea starts to collapse once in a while, causing him to wheeze dramatically for up to a half hour. Had I not researched the breed, I wouldn't know the proper way to handle this. Research your breeds! This goes for cats too!
3- Foster the Puppies (slash kitties)
Fostering is a great way to find out if you can handle a pet. It's like babysitting. You still get the full experience of being a pet owner, but eventually it's going to a good home. So, if you're really interested in getting a dog or a cat, try fostering first. See if you can handle it and if it'll fit into your lives the way you want it to.
4- FINE. ADOPT.
If you decide to actually get a pet after not heeding any of my warnings, make sure you adopt. Yes, there's always something enticing about walking into a pet store and looking at all the wee puppies and deciding to take one home. But there are so many dogs on death row who are just as cute and fuzzy and need homes far more desperately than any of the dogs in a pet shop. Also, when purchasing a dog from a pet shop, nine times out of ten, you are financially supporting puppy mills! Any local animal shelter is stocked to the brim with puppies, dogs, cats, etc. who NEED a home. And don't be afraid to take the older ones too. Puppies and kittens will get snatched up fast. Love the oldies.. even if it's for less time than you'd love a puppy or a kitten.
So there you have it. Heed my warnings, follow these skeletal guidelines and get a pet/don't get a pet.
1- Decide Whose Pet it REALLY is...
Don't get me wrong, I adore animals. ADORE THEM. My dog is like my child. He's spoiled rotten and I love him more than most human beings. However, he is and always has been MINE. I was in a long-term relationship when I found him, but it was always understood that he was my dog. Granted, he was treated as if he was OUR dog.
But there was never a question when we split up who would get my little muchacho. He was mine. And that was hard on my ex. So, while this wouldn't be an easy scenario even if you do this, make sure you decide who gets the dog/cat/etc. if, god forbid, you split up. I know, I know, you're soulmates and you'll never break up! Yeah, decide anyway. Cause breakups happen, kids.
2- If You're Getting a Dog Specifically, Make Sure You are Ready For One...
I grew up with dogs. And so when I found the little demon that's presently nestled at the foot of my bed, I was ecstatic about finally having one of my own. My own little baby! Yeah. Well.. here's the thing; dogs are a lot of fucking work. And they require you to be home often.. They're like infants who are always infants. Essentially they're helpless, voiceless, hungry, needy little babies who rely on you for everything. So make sure you're ready to sacrifice some things. And don't leave just one of you to do all the legwork.. that's just some bullshit. Cats are certainly less maintenance, but they are also assholes. Also, dogs are fucking expensive. Once a year you're lookin' at a few hundred dollars for vaccinations.. not to mention a spay/neuter, any and all accidents, leashes, collars, food, toys, chewies, treats, heartworm meds, flea and tick meds... IT ADDS THE FUCK UP. Now, I'm not saying don't get a dog. At all. I know, it sure as hell sounded like it, right? I'm not. I don't mind spending a shit ton of money on my pooch because I love him so much. I just wanted to make clear the realities of what owning a dog is like, if you're unaware.
And do research on your breeds! I cannot stress this enough.
People hate my dog so much because he's part Chihuahua and is therefore possessive of me. He barks a lot and it takes a while before he's comfortable with other people. But that's how his breed is. Also, his trachea starts to collapse once in a while, causing him to wheeze dramatically for up to a half hour. Had I not researched the breed, I wouldn't know the proper way to handle this. Research your breeds! This goes for cats too!
3- Foster the Puppies (slash kitties)
Fostering is a great way to find out if you can handle a pet. It's like babysitting. You still get the full experience of being a pet owner, but eventually it's going to a good home. So, if you're really interested in getting a dog or a cat, try fostering first. See if you can handle it and if it'll fit into your lives the way you want it to.
4- FINE. ADOPT.
If you decide to actually get a pet after not heeding any of my warnings, make sure you adopt. Yes, there's always something enticing about walking into a pet store and looking at all the wee puppies and deciding to take one home. But there are so many dogs on death row who are just as cute and fuzzy and need homes far more desperately than any of the dogs in a pet shop. Also, when purchasing a dog from a pet shop, nine times out of ten, you are financially supporting puppy mills! Any local animal shelter is stocked to the brim with puppies, dogs, cats, etc. who NEED a home. And don't be afraid to take the older ones too. Puppies and kittens will get snatched up fast. Love the oldies.. even if it's for less time than you'd love a puppy or a kitten.
So there you have it. Heed my warnings, follow these skeletal guidelines and get a pet/don't get a pet.
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