It's Not You, It's You Pretending to Be Me

One thing I truly abhor is people who don't know how to be themselves. I empathize, but I truly detest it. It's hard to know who you are in this big, bad, buttfucking world of judgment and contempt for other human life. I get that. It's hard to accept judgment based on what is true in your heart. I get that.

As a child, I had friends who were popular at other schools. My best friend growing up (20 years now) was very popular at the school she attended. I, on the other hand, was not at all popular at my school. The popular girls and their parents looked at me like I was born with thirty six heads and asked everyone to draw a little picture on each one of them. And to tell you the truth, I liked that. I knew, even at a young age, that these girls were vapid because their parents taught them to be. I, on the other hand, was funny and strange and had friends who were funny and strange. This somehow melded nicely with friends in other schools who were popular. My ability to not give any fucks gave them the ability to give a few less fucks than they did, I think. Not to toot my own fuckless horn, but that seems like a thing.

Now, I don't want to say I've never had one of those mini identity crises where I question myself, because I absolutely have. I've wondered if I should wear my hair a certain way or do my makeup differently in order to be more this or that. Definitely. That's normal. And I definitely hit some weird phases in terms of what I liked and what I listened to and wore. But I just like to try on different hats and learn about different things. I never wanted to be anyone else. I don't know how to be anyone else. That's not to say I think I'm perfect or better than anyone else, but I can't fake being something I'm not. I just can't. Unless I'm getting paid to do it.

If you feel like you're constantly hiding behind some facade of trying to be something or someone that you're not, just remember that it's going to take you ten times longer to get to who you actually are if you keep doing this. It's okay to let other people and other styles and ideas influence what you like and who you are, but don't make that wholly who you are. Bring 90% of you and 10% of the influence to the table.

And if you never figure you out, that's okay too. Nothing really matters if you think about it hard enough.

That's all the brainleak you get for today.