beingsocial.edu

Since I lost my job back in October, I've gotten very good at staying home. Most of the time it's because I can't afford to go anywhere and because I've developed very special relationships with Carrie Bradshaw and Danny Tanner, among other very important people. My couch officially has an imprint of my ass in it and I am fully willing to admit that. Okay, the last one was a bit of an exaggeration.

However, the urge to go out does eventually strike my brain piece. When it does, I get excited. Like... too excited. Like... kid-in-a-candy-store too excited. But then after about an hour, I realize that my show is on that night. This turns me into kid-with-diabetes-in-a-candy-store conflicted.

I love to see my friends and I love to be social, but sometimes it takes a little extra oomph to actually get me to take off the sweatpants and apply that makeup nonsense to my face. So to give myself that urge to go out, I do the following things:

- I drink a ton of coffee. More than three cups of coffee should do it. After three cups, I'm impossibly hyper and I have to do something to get rid of all that excess energy.
- I drink a ton of booze. The beaut part of living in the city is not having to drive. Plus I don't have a car. So, I get myself a little liquored up before an outing, which puts me in the spirit of the evening.
- I doll up to party anthems. Give me a beat, Ke$ha. This place about to blow, you all.
- I change clothes like forty different times. My life is a constant belief that I'm having PMS. I'm not sure if it's an excuse or a hormonal problem. Because of whatever that is, I feel gross in almost all of my clothes. So I try to pick the one that makes me feel the least gross, but I'll eventually give up on looking at myself and leave.

Great. You're ready. Now here's what I do when I go out:
- I feel out my friends. Sometimes you have to figure out if your friends are out to get balls-out drunk or just have a few social cocktails. Most of my friends are alcoholics, so the former usually applies to me.
- I talk to strangers. In an attempt to feign interest in the outside world, I try to talk to strangers. This not only makes me seem social, it also gives me an opportunity to make strangers feel uncomfortable, which is only in my top ten favorite things to do ever.
- I get bored easily and turn into a pile of pity. I can only handle 2-4 hours of socialization in the world of nightlife. Frankly, by the time 1am rolls around, I'd rather be making out with a bag of Doritos than some douchebag with a flat-brim hat and extensive collection of Affliction t-shirts.
- I go home. Turns out I just like being at home. Plus, as I said, home has Doritos.

This where I leave you to shower... because I'm going out tonight.

I'll miss you, Doritos.