Trophy Wife - Season 2

I know I go on and on about Trophy Wife quite a bit on all of my social media platforms. This show is just such a beautiful hidden hilarious gem that I would be heartbroken if ABC took it off the radar because it's absolute shit at promoting its shows properly.

SO I created a petition to get our little engine that could a second season. In three days we've acquired 500 signatures and counting. Please if you can spare a minute of your time and just click the little link below and sign it, the world will rejoice.

http://www.change.org/petitions/abc-give-trophy-wife-a-second-season


Thanks, babes!

Ten Movies You Need to Watch (Hidden Gems Edition)

So, I wouldn't call myself a movie buff, because I think that phrase implies a certain standard for film and almost a pretension around it. I would call myself a person who used movies to escape as a child and continues to do so throughout her adulthood. That being said, I have hundreds of movies. Hundreds and hundreds of movies. Sometimes I find myself drawn to movies purely by the actors in them. I figured once a week I'd share with you a list of films that I wouldn't have normally noticed unless a certain actor's filmography brought me to them. So here's ten for you now...

10. Garden State. Great lost in your 20s movie with a soundtrack too big for its size. Natalie Portman brought me to that film and I've loved it unconditionally from the moment I saw it.

9. Scotland, PA. A very, very strange modernish take on MacBeth. Very intriguing and funny. Maura Tierney brought me to that bad boy. Took it from Blockbuster as part of my severance package way back when.

8. Red Dragon/Silence of the Lambs/Hannibal. The Hannibal Lecter series. I was always a fan of the books, but Anthony Hopkins brought me to the films. In particular Hannibal -- such a beautifully shot film. Florence. Need I say more?

7. Meet Joe Black. Another Tony Hopkins vehicle. I stayed for Marcia Gay Harden though. But we'll get to that one in a minute. Such an interesting story and pulls at whatever heartstrings are.

6. STAR!. I cannot praise this movie enough. The acting. The visuals. The musical numbers. A biopic of Gertrude Lawrence and a damn good one. The film that made me fall in love with (the real) Noel Coward. Julie Andrews brought me to that one -- and she's fucking BRILLIANT in it. It's like three hours long, but give it a go if you can find it.

5. Girl Most Likely (or Imogene - if you're in Europe). This movie was a flop in the theaters, but it was so adorable. The ending was a little flat, but it was really sweet and really uplifting. Kristen Wiig brought me to that gem.

4. The Hole. Not a porno. A thriller I first watched in parts on YouTube in my apartment in NYC at 3am. Thora Birch drew me to that mindfuck film.

3. Ghost World. Thora Birch movie #2. This movie is perfect in so many ways. The music is incredible. The character of Enid is incredible. Visually it's beautiful. It's just a film about being different and lost and it's lovely. And based on a comic book of the same name.

2. Wet Hot American Summer. If you're unfamiliar with this movie, you need to join the cult, because this movie is one of the best hidden gems of them all. So insanely funny and random. David Wain. Michael Showalter. Michael Ian Black. Amy Poehler. Paul Rudd. Bradley Cooper. Janeane Garafalo. David Hyde Pierce. Christopher Meloni. Molly Shannon. Need I go on?

1. If I Were You. Told you I'd get back to Marcia Gay Harden. Intrigued by this movie's plot, I watched it once on Netflix and I haven't stopped watching it since. I put it on when I go to sleep at night. Every night. It's so sweet and sad and silly and emotionally brutal. It's a little taste of everything - and MARCIA GAY HARDEN. Perfection. Always.


There ya go. Check out those ten flicks. Ten more next week.
Fuck off.
Bye!

PS - SPEAKIN'-A MOVIES, TOMORROW'S VIDEO IS GONNA BE A FUCKING AWESOME MOVIE ROMP, SO DON'T FORGET TO DO THIS.

Polar Vortex 2.0

My ass is assleep, but check out the survival guide I made for round 2 of the polar vortex.

Bucket? More like FUCK IT.

Listen, I have my period. Get off my dick.
Contradictory.
ContraDICKtory.


I've done eleven squats this week. I ate rather healthfully. With the exception of lots of chips, cheese and that veggie burrito I had for lunch. Ahem.



I'll get back to the bucket. Spoken like a true procrastinator.


In other news, I'm heading to rehearsal to play happy fun time with other grown ass people.


Show Friday night. But I'll pimp that later.


Alright. Fuck off. I'm outta here. Mmmmbye.

100 Better Weird Things to Name Your Kid

Here you go, celebrities. I've cut out the middle man for you.

SUBSCRIBE.

New Video is a-comin'...

I took the bulk of the week off from making videos this week. YouTube was screwing the audio and the editing of my videos. I was also really reaching for material, so I needed a little break to gather m'thoughts and come up with something fresh. So, as a result I think I'll be only putting videos up Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don't want to clog my already shotty brain and lose my ability to come up with something mildly entertaining.

It's pretty outside.


What was I talking about?


Alright you get it. I'm filming something now. Should be up tonight. Saturday out of place video. Heeeeeey!

Trophy Wife - The Best Show You Might Not Yet Be Watching

It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of the ABC show Trophy Wife (Tues 9:30/8:30c). And your impression of it might be the same as my first impression of it; another made-for-men sitcom about a middle aged man and his tits for brains new wife and their maladjusted life together.

SPOILER ALERT: THIS IS NOT WHAT THIS SHOW IS. AT ALL.

It's actually a predominantly female-driven vehicle of a show without an air of sexism. I know, it's called Trophy Wife. I know. I hear you. Now shut up.

Good job.

Now jump past the semi-ironic and therefore fully misleading title and I will tell you why you should love this show.

Synopsis, so you're not lost on what I'm about to tell you.
Trophy Wife centers around the Harrison family. Simple as it seems, that means many things. Peter is the patriarch of the family. Twice divorced. His first wife is Diane and they have two children - Hillary and Warren. His second wife is Jackie and they have an adopted son Bert. And his current wife is Kate - the "Trophy Wife". The show itself centers around the family adjusting to life with each other in some very interesting and hilarious ways.

The writing.
The writing on this show is spectacularly funny. With every episode comes more dialogue I want put on a t-shirt. I don't think there has been a show with so many one-liners in quite some time. I truly would love to meet these writers and pick their brains because they write such smart, funny and sweet material that it seems impossible.

The characters.
This part is two-fold. Another credit to the writers for writing such brilliant characters; all so different and yet they remain a family - much like life, I suppose. (DEEP.) To write so many quirks for so many characters is so impressive. These characters came from the script seemingly fully-formed and perfect.
The second portion of this credit goes to the fantastic actors, obviously.

Bradley Whitford. (Peter, the husband, the ex-husband, the father, the butt of "old man" jokes.)
Whitford is perfect at the semi-cynical, caught in the middle husband/ex husband balancing two ex-wives, three kids and a current wife. Nothing about his character panders to the concept of the middle aged man marrying a woman half his age. It's mentioned in jest and harshly critiqued by other characters (*cough*Diane*cough*), but it's not the focus of the show, which is great. Because frankly, I'm tired of those shows and those characters and would benefit from a break from the sexist "older guy bagged a hot young thing" mold this show has broken. Whitford brings the intention that Peter is a genuinely good guy who's just trying to balance out his family life and stay sane in the meantime.

Malin Akerman. (Kate, the "trophy wife", the third wife, the stepmom.)
I'll be real honest with you; prior to this show I wasn't SUPER familiar with Akerman. That's not really saying a lot because I really don't know Justin Bieber from that kid I just yelled at to get off my lawn, but I digress. Malin Akerman brings such a sweet element to Kate. I may be 28, but I was a child of divorce and I, too, had a stepmom (who, ironically, was also from Sweden) and I hated her - and she hated me - so I'm always quick to have a distaste for the stepmother character in really anything. (DEEP.) And to see the warmth and love Malin brings to the character of Kate is really wonderful. Kate just wants a family and to connect with her stepkids and to be civil, if not friends, with Peter's ex-wives. She's adjusting to the end of the single, party, binge-drinking phase of your life and embracing a comfortable home life. It's a really sweet, well-intentioned character and Akerman really drives the show beautifully.

Marcia Gay Harden. (Diane, the "first wife", the mother, the headstrong overachiever.)
I think by now we all know I have a soft spot for Marcia Gay Harden. I have for fifteen years. For more on that, go here. While I'm slightly biased because Harden was the reason Trophy Wife caught my eye and made me curious enough to go back and watch the episodes I'd missed, much like Akerman, Marcia Gay Harden also drives the show. Her knack for comedy is phenomenal. The hard-ass, but also bad-ass mom of two, Diane, is the mom every kid deserves. She pushes a little too hard for perfection sometimes and won't bat an eye at spying on her children, but she loves her kids more than she loves success. And as always, Harden brings a unique beauty and emotional sensitivity to a character that another actress might portray as stiff and cold.

Michaela Watkins. (Jackie, the "second wife", Bert's momma, the loveable goofball.)
As a child of comedy, I of course knew Michaela Watkins from Saturday Night Live. Anyone who passes the Lorne Michaels test of an SNL audition HAS to be funny. I always liked Watkins on SNL, but I fell in love with her on Trophy Wife. Jackie is a character that I don't think any other actress could do such justice. Quirky and a little strange, she is an organic-obsessed, somewhat flighty, always hilarious, sweet and loving mother. She's usually the one that brings the mishap to the table, but her intentions are always good. I can't say enough good things about how wonderful of a character Michaela Watkins has made Jackie. I'm actually at a loss for synonyms. Every single English teacher I've ever had would roll over in their graves... because I like to assume they're dead, apparently. But trust me when I tell you, Michaela Watkins is perfect as Jackie. Perfect.

Natalie Morales. (Meg, Kate's best friend, the troublemaker.)
Meg is everybody's last friend to settle down. Meg drinks too much, parties too often and is the bearer of all the fun trouble when she comes around Kate. She's the friend that just doesn't have it together yet. Meg is most women my age. Meg is me, if I'm being honest. She doesn't get the joy of married life or being around children all the time or anything Kate has recently taken into her life. Natalie Morales does a really great job of playing the disinterested-in-family-life friend of Kate. Stuck in party mode, but attempting to understand the life her friend is making for herself, Morales plays Meg with an almost wonderful child sense about her. Feeling traded in for a husband and family is not something people in their late 20s are unaccustomed to and I think it's a really hilarious, but really honest portrayal of that feeling and being that friend.

Bailee Madison. (Hillary, the daughter, the perfectionist, the Kate hater.)
I was not previously familiar with Bailee Madison's credits, as expansive as they are. However, I'm always impressed with child actors who are so naturally good at what they do. Bailee brings the character of Hillary to life in a really great way. She's a very atypical actress in that you don't see her acting. You see her being. (DEEP.) Her vast emotional range is very subtle and understated and that makes it fantastically real. The relationship between Diane and Hillary is a beautiful mother-daughter relationship (especially in this week's episode - "The Tooth Fairy"). Hillary has a knack for perfectionism and success and a distaste for Kate - just like her mother - but like Harden, there is no coldness or stiffness to the character. A great character played by a truly great young actress that should stand the test of time.

Ryan Lee. (Warren, the son, the optimist, the naivest of the naive.)
Few young actors can make me laugh as hard as Ryan Lee has this year. His portrayal of Warren, a very sweet, but slightly misguided kid who gets excited when his parents call is nothing short of hilarious. Ryan brings a truly charming naivete to the character of Warren and somehow manages to do it without being too broad. Again, another super sincere performance from a very, very promising young actor with a lot of big credits under his belt already. Thoroughly impressed with the kid-casting on this show.

Albert Tsai. (Bert, the other son, the adorablest of the adorable.)
There is no way to properly describe Albert Tsai without words you wouldn't also use to describe a puppy. Adorable, sweet, funny, adorable, adorable, adorable! This nine year old is the funniest kid on tv right now. His delivery is always so perfect and so uniquely hilarious. And you can tell the writers have fun coming up with stuff for this kid to say. (see: the episode where he randomly starts using various Yiddish words). Bert is Jackie's adopted son and the relationship they share is something really sweet and special that you don't see a lot of in sitcoms. They're like best friends and sometimes they switch parent/child roles. Did I mention this kid is freakin' adorable?


I know I promote this show constantly, but to be honest, there hasn't been such a great show in a lot of years. Right now this show is on the fence of getting a second season. It needs it because it's truly, truly deserving. A smart, funny show about family with a cast that has palpable chemistry is very rare.

If you already like Trophy Wife, write to ABC here, select programming feedback and tell them that it needs a second season. It takes two seconds and feedback is always helpful. Also, livetweeting with the cast on Tuesday nights (9:30/8:30c) using the Trophy Wife hashtag is also helpful.

And they're all there:

@WhitfordBradley
@MalinAkerman
@Beloving2
@MichaelaWat
@NatalieMorales
@BaileeMadison
@RyanLee
@AlbertTsaiActor

Plus the show's twitter (@TrophyWifeABC), the writers (@TWWritersRoom) and the fans (@TrophyWifeFans, @TrophyWifeQuote).

Word of many mouths is needed for this show. PUH-LEASE help it out! If nothing else, so I'll shut up.

If you haven't watched Trophy Wife yet, you can watch it here if you have Hulu Plus or here if you don't.
If nothing else, go here or here and watch the Christmas episode. If that doesn't sell you, I don't know what will.

THE BUCKET!!!!!!

So out of nowhere the other day, I was vegetating on the couch watching crap television (PMS) and I got to thinking (OUCH)...

I've been trying to come up with a way to change my habits and lifestyle. There's no seamless way to do this (except by killing yourself -- which I do not recommend.). So I thought, how can I keep things interesting AND introduce better habits into my life - both with the food I consume and the exercise I partake in.

HENCE... THE BUCKET.

I have a green bucket that I've had since I was little. It came with a beach toy set. In this bucket, I've put several post-it notes. On each post-it is an eating habit, a 30-60 minute exercise plan or both. Every morning I will pick one and I have to adhere to it. This way I am getting a multitude of benefits and not falling into a rut immediately. I won't feel the pressure of a blanket dietary change. I won't get bored with one exercise dvd or going for a run every single day. This is how I'm going to keep things interesting. I'm going to do the ones already in the bucket for thirty straight days.

After thirty days, I'll start again with new post-its.

Every Sunday I'll leave an update here. I don't own a scale on purpose (because people get trapped in a number!), but maybe feeling and photo progress will be featured here!

Until the 26th... well, on THIS topic, at least...

Better Names For TV Shows

Things I Fucking Love (pt. 2)

A while back, I had every intention of making this a regular thing here, but since I don't buy a shit ton of shit all the time, it took me a while to compile another list. Lucky for you, the time has come, so let's get our dicks wet...

Number one on the list is a book! That's right, I read!!! This book is my favorite so far this year. It's Bo Burnham's book of really weird and hilarious poetry, Egghead. I recommend it for all of the laughs...

Since I'm the queen of sensitive skin, I've spent a long time looking for skincare that wouldn't completely massacre my skin. I've fallen in love with QueBella face masks. I haven't tried the pictured mask, but it was the only one that wasn't opened yet. The deep sea mud mask is my favorite thus far. You can find them at any Target, but the drawback is that they don't sell them in tubes or tubs. Only in sample sizes.

In the same vein, I've been looking for a really good moisturizer. I don't think money spent on skincare is money wasted by any means, but I'd like to know the product is good before I spend upwards of $10 on it. While xmas shopping, I stumbled upon a Marshalls I hadn't found before and - GUHDUHHH - Marshalls has name brand shit for super cheap! There was a myriad of skin products - good skin products - at my feet/face. I walked away with a $30 moisturizer for $5 and I don't know that I'd ever change my night moisturizer. This Mogador night cream is majestic. It smells like... Jesus having sex with a unicorn. It stays through the night. I actually have tried it as a pre-makeup moisturizer and it's perfect for that too. I recommend it. I also recommend finding it at Marshalls so you have $25 more dollars in your pocket. Unless you don't care about that sort of thing. In which case, can I borrow like $100?

One of the girl things I just "get" is definitely bags. They don't have to be designer or anything, but I'm very specific about my bags. I prefer a leather texture - but only faux leather. No obnoxious colors. I'd had a small purse for about two years. Living in the city requires me to be able to carry a bunch of shit at once though, so I figured it was time for an upgrade. So I went to my purse purchasing staple; Target. I found this gem and though it was a little more than I usually like to spend ($30 - I have waited a bag I loved at Target down til it was on clearance before.. I'm broke, gimme a break!), there was no other bag that spoke to me.

While I'm not much for vanity or anything along those lines, I do have an addiction to YouTube beauty gurus. One of my favorites is Fleur DeForce (you can find her YouTube channel here and her blog here). She recommended Rimmel London's ApocaLips, or ShowOff as they are here in the States. I like the wear of these more than the colors. The colors are a lot louder than they appear. The red is very wearable. The pink is only good for shooting videos. It looks like you're the drunk grandmother who no longer remembers how much lipstick is too much lipstick. 

Final beauty product ahoy. My hair is down to my ass and thick as a horse mane, so I'm no stranger to super painful tangles. Knots that I feared would somehow rip off my scalp in one stroke of the brush. Again, through a beauty guru (this time Zoella), I found out about this magic item. This is a detangler brush. This is obviously the Goody, low-end ($7) version that I found at a Walmart, but it really does the job. Painless painless painless. And trust me, my mother gave me the worst haircut of my life when I was eight because I refused to brush my hair (if I can ever find a photo, I'll share that shit - it's humiliating.) -- so I think I know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I love novelty items. I don't even care what they are. The weirder, the fucking better. Like this thing... whatever the hell this thing is. All I know is that it lights up.

OH! And coffee mugs. Novelty coffee mugs.

...aaaaaaaaaaaaand last but not least...

Updaytez

I've come up with a new goal for myself this year; to be seen less and to be heard more, but in a better way.

I'm very loud and brash sometimes and I'd like to pull that back a little. Be a little more tactful so my words don't blend in. I often feel like I'm literally screaming to be heard in social situations and rather than continue to fight that fight, I'm going to step off those situations and just embrace the ones where I don't have to blow out my vocal chords to get a word in edgewise, just to be left feeling unappreciated anyway. I'm leaving behind a lot in these situations, but I think you have to look back in some situations and truly ask yourself what you're holding on for. This goes hand in hand with the being seen less thing as well. 

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Even though I'm unemployed, the weekends are still great. I'm sitting on the couch with my dog and my mom's dog (who I'm presently sitting for), drinking obscene amounts of coffee and watching The Brady Bunch. A possible run to the store is in my future for dinner to make for tonight and a new SNL is happening tonight too. This is my Saturday. I have another video to film and edit today too.

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Anyone else wait for your computer to autocorrect your typos?

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If I could be anywhere in the world at this very moment, I would be at a Cracker Barrel eating pancakes. Needless to say, we don't have Cracker Barrels in Chicago. In the burbs for sure, but not in the city.

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I despise being copied in any way, shape or form. I know it's the highest form of flattery or whatever, but it's also the highest form of fucking annoying.

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A good sitcom lasts forever.

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www.youtube.com/thejeshface 

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I have a date for Valentine's Day -- with Grace Helbig, Mamrie Hart and Hannah Hart. Camp Takota. If you don't know, you don't need to.

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Alright, time to make a grocery list and get a-filmin'. Have a bitchin' Saturday, y'all...

A Quick Sorries and The Shedd Aquarium

Just wanna spout a SORRIEZ into the ether for not posting much over the past week or so. Things were crazy with my birthday and getting myself back on a normal sleep schedule. I'm back in biz now and should be back regularly.

The birthday was mediocre.
The days following were sleepy.
Trophy Wife was great.
Now I'm drinking Sprite and eating Flaming Hot Cheetos.

You're up to date.


Oh, and here's today's video from a visit to the Shedd Aquarium. Do enjoy...

How to Do EVERYTHING

Yesterday's video. Of which my audio was screwed, so I was forced to make some shitty editing decisions.



You're welcome?

My Birthday

Well, it's here. My birthday. And what's the number one thing I learned in my 27th year?






#1 - Birthdays are just like every other day.

















Happy Birthday to me. :)


My first character to grace my YouTube channel is up in a review of Trophy Wife.

Birthday Week (Day 2)

Tomorrow's the day of my birthin'. So here's the penultimate thing I've learned this year...

#2 - I really can do what ever I want to do in life. And what I want to do in life is comedy.

I always admired people who just DO because I spend so much time THINKING. I make impulsive decisions more than on occasion, but I love people that just grab life by the balls and do what they want. They get what they want. They make the world theirs. I've truly discovered that in my twenty seventh year of life. I wanted to entertain from the age of three. I wanted to entertain people and make them laugh. I wanted to tell stories. I wanted my life to be a movie.

When I joined Second City after years of deliberation, I knew instantly that it was right. I was right about myself all these years. This is what I want to do.

Now I perform bi-weekly and in scattered performance all over Chicago. I'm trying things out and finding more of my voice on my YouTube channel. I spend a lot of time on the internet daily and it feels like a job; a thoroughly satisfying, self-serving job. I'm writing everything down and constantly trying to come up with new ideas. Then I'm going to take all of this with me to New York in the summer. I've never been happier with where my life is heading. I'm excited for everything and anything. And I finally feel like I can do everything and anything.

So here's to my last day of being twenty seven. Thank you for coming with me on this journey, strangers.

Twenty eight, I'm ready for you.

WATCH ME READ THIS COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.

Cosmo Magazine should just read itself, but I got it this time.

Birthday Week (Day 3)

THINGS I LEARNED THIS YEAR.

#3 - Things are never has difficult as they seem.

If you want it, go get it. If you can't get it and you've exercised all options, let it go. It's not meant to be.
This is easier said than done, but it's life changing, I assure you.
Trust me, I'm old.


New video up tonight. I'm editing it now. Get off my dick.

Birthday Week (Day 4)

Seriously? Do I have to recap this? I don't. I won't.


#4 - Gin is fantastic.


I think this one speaks for itself.

ALSO! Wednesday's video is up! Do enjoy because I laughed a lot while I was editing it. Or don't enjoy because you're an asshole.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Birthday Week (Day 5)

I think you're getting it by now.

#5 - Losing your job isn't the end of the world...

This past October, I was let go from my job. It was a great job. I made more money than I knew what to do with, the hours were fairly lovely, my boss was great and we were just about to hire on the guy that got me the job there in the first place. However, the Friday before he could start, I was let go. I'd fallen behind on some things and corporate thought it best if I were let go. In my defense - and I won't make a big case about it because it's in the past - I was never trained how to do a job I had no clue how to do. How I made it eight months at that place, I have no idea. The work volume was too large for anyone to have a moment to show me how to do anything at all.

Because of not being trained and having a lot of time-sensitive pressure put on me, I was insanely stressed out. I don't think I've ever been so stressed out. The last two weeks at the job, I spent it crying my eyes out everyday because I was so overwhelmed. I said to myself often "this isn't even what I want to do with my life! Why am I letting this stress me out so bad?!". The fact is, it stressed me out so badly because we all need money to survive. We need some form of livelihood. When I lost that, I nearly barfed up the lunch I immediately regretted buying that day.

How was I going to pay my bills?
How was I going to feed my dog?
How was I going to feed myself?

So many questions. And then I realized that everything was going to be okay. And it is. I'm still unemployed, but looking. My unemployment benefits really cover almost everything, which is so helpful. And I've been given the gift of time. Time to do more comedy and to really get myself where I need to be career-wise, so I never have to work a demanding, stressful office job ever, ever again. Ever. :)

That being said, I'm working on my consistency in all areas of my life.
So here's Tuesday's video, which happens to be relevant!

Later, dicks.

A Case of the Mondays

Finally! After a long hiatus, I'm back with some content on my YouTube channel. Check it out, subscribe, do whatever it is ya gotta do. 

Birthday Week (Day 6)

If you're like "whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" cause you missed Day 7... fuck you, it's right here.

#6 - If you do enough dumb shit when you're drunk, you'll eventually develop an anxiety that will replace hangovers.

In the past year, I've stopped drinking as much as I used to. When I call myself a part-time alcoholic, I really only mean that I'm a social drinker. Once in a great, great while I'll have a night where I just pound out a bunch of beers at home watching a movie and end up drunk texting my friend's boss about what an asshole he is. Which leads me to this very point.

Over the past year or so, whenever I have actually gotten drunk, I wake up with a crippling anxiety the next morning out of sheer panic that I'd done something really stupid the night before. The reason for this is that every time I'd gotten real drunk in 2012, I'd woken up the next morning to find out I'd done something really stupid the night before. So in place of hangovers, I now have panic attacks.


Gatorade.

Marcia Gay Harden

I'm gonna be real honest with y'alls; I'm really only putting all of this in a post because I've been drinking malt liquor for a few hours. So, I'm sorry and you're welcome all at once.

For the past couple weeks I've been on a Marcia Gay Harden kick.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, SHFACE?!

Well, ya fuckin' idiot, it means that I enjoy the work of Marcia Gay Harden and I've been watching it profusely. Not in a creepy way. I'm not a weirdo... in THAT sense. Or maybe I am. Either way, I'm not creepy... but I'll come back to that.

Also, I just remembered I paid my ComEd bill today. Go me.

Anyhow! "How did you get on this Marcia Gay Harden kick?", you might not be asking yourself. Well, dumbass, allow me to explain.

On Christmas Day, I was at my grandmother's visiting her and my mother and my aunt. The television was on in the background, as it always is there and an episode of Trophy Wife came on. I vaguely remembered the advertising for it and had no idea Miz Harden was in it. (For more on all that stuff and my feelings on it and all that that garbage - find my Trophy Wife post. It's in there. God damn, I am eloquent!) I spotted her immediately on the Christmas episode and got so excited that I was instantly hooked on the show.

These Cran-brrr-itas are goin' down smooth, y'all.

Anyway. So after the episode ended, I was thinking about Miz Marcia Gay Harden and what a fan of hers I've been over the years. To be honest, I don't know if I saw First Wives Club or Flubber first... probably Flubber.. because I was relatively young and entirely in love with Robin Williams as a child (maybe I am a weirdo!) and I recognized Marcia when I saw First Wives Club. Yes. It was Flubber. (Welcome to a stream of consciousness. You can unsubscribe anytime...) I remember thinking how great she was. And First Wives Club was another gem, although her part was small. No small parts, only small actors, ya jerks.

But the first moment I truly knew I loved this woman was when I saw Meet Joe Black. I was going through an Anthony Hopkins phase. Daddy issues. Don't ask. So, when MJB came out, I was all over it. I was so drawn to Marcia's character - Allison, I believe her name was - that it completely deterred me from everything else... in the film, not in life. That'd be weird. And being the child actor wannabe that I was, I knew I wanted to be like her. I was around 12/13 when that movie came out and I knew that's what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. A couple years later came Pollock - which the queen of queens won an Oscar for - and I remember being so ecstatic that she won. I watched it before the Academy Awards and though only about 14 and relatively naive to the world of art, I loved it. I loved her in it and I thought no other actor could be quite as deserving as she was in that moment. Elegant and poised and perfect.

With zero disrespect to the great Meryl Streep, I think Marcia Gay Harden has more talent. Meryl is brilliant and so highly regarded - and deservingly so. But there's an ease to Marcia's acting abilities that I don't see in any other actors, from an outside perspective. You never see the work of an actor in her performance. You see a transformation into a character. You see this woman becoming another human being. It's breathtaking and often heartbreaking. Her transition to comedy roles is nothing to shake a stick at either - also, as a sidenote, I just misspelled the word "stick". And good christ - God of Carnage! The Tonys do not lie. Men named Tony sometimes do, but I digress. I've never seen a flawed performance from Marcia Gay Harden. There's never acting. It's embodiment. I don't think that's something you can learn. I think that's something you're born with.

Through the years, I've sort of come to terms with the fact that I'll never be the prestigious actress I always wanted to be as a child. But I am a comedienne. And I enjoy comedy. I enjoy performance. I enjoy the art of empathy. But watching Harden work is probably the closest I'll ever get to being that close to it. That sentence literally didn't make sense, but her brilliance cannot be denied, starring or supporting role be damned. She's incredible.

Now that I'm done blowing smoke up her ass with the truth, in a third party fashion, I must also say that Miss Harden is also in the top three on my list of female crushes. She has been since Flubber. Now, I've never labeled my own sexuality (and I'm not about to now, nor am I really about to discuss it), but even as a child, I've always found women appealing. Maybe I'm bisexual, maybe I'm not. Who knows? Who cares? I'm attracted to humans, regardless of gender, I suppose. But MGH was one of the first of my female crushes. The vulnerability of her characters really cut me to the core, and still does. And I swear to god this woman is barely aging a day. She's beautiful. Stunning. Classic beauty. Super sexy. Just.. aesthetically perfect.

All that being said, I have a little bit of trouble with some of my favorite famous people being a part of this media century, I guess. Not that I'm a fuckin' spring chicken, but celebrities I loved as a child participating in new media is always kind of awesome, but like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs at the same time. Not that the people in question are too old for it, but that they're too honorable for it. They're on a pedestal. In a league of their own. Not the movie. No crying in baseball.

So after Trophy Wife, I discovered that MGH was on twitter. And normally, this would have been one of those instances... but it wasn't. She's still elegant and charming and lovely and twitter has merely humanized her for me. She's SO good at what she does that in my mind she's almost a goddess.. above human potential. So her natural life as a woman, a mother, a human on semi-display on twitter is wonderful to see. Because not only was the image of her I'd created in my mind lovely all these years, but the real thing is even lovelier.

Now that my buzz has worn off, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll regret writing this later because it sounds like a creepy fucking love letter to an actress I will probably never meet. Growing up as an only child of divorce - quiet, shy and sort of a loner, my only outlet into other peoples' brains was films. I watched films constantly. I devoured them. And then I'd watch them again and again. I don't think there's a movie I own that I do not know by heart. I found company and comfort in characters, in actors, in movies. I still do. That's where I learned about people. That's where I learned about emotion. So when I obsess about an actor/actress or a film or a writer or a comedian, it just means that I spent a lot of time learning that person or that text or that film. That person or thing likely kept me going when my life was far too shitty. That person or thing was a companion on my road to mental maturity, my love of the arts, my participation in the arts and my own personal growth as a human being.

I know, deep as fuck, right?

So, I assure you, reader, I am not creepy. Just passionate and curious and harmless... and sometimes drunk.

Birthday Week (Day 7)

WELP.

It's officially my birthday week. This Saturday I will be turning twenty fucking eight years old. I'm not a big birthday person. I don't like to shove it down peoples' throats when my birthday is a-comin'. I get excited for the hanging out with friends and getting drunk aspect of birthdays in your twenties, but that's about it. Celebrating another year in which I did not die seems a little sketchy to me.

So, I thought with my twenty seventh year coming to a close, I'd share a little something I've learned in the past year every day this week.

So here we go.

#7 - You're Stronger Than You Think You Are


I pride myself on being a strong human being. More emotionally than physically. However, in some areas, I'm needy and I fall apart when abandoned. Hashtag daddy issues! This year I was sort of abandoned by someone who I was very close to. And in that time, I was flushed with an overwhelming - literally overwhelming - anxiety. I woke up and I felt it. I went to work and I felt it. I came home and I felt it. It wouldn't go away. I couldn't figure out where this shit was coming from. Nothing took it away except for endless episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. I don't know why. Don't ask.

But then it hit me. I was lonely. I missed my friend. We went from seeing each other constantly to not seeing each other at all. And I realized that I'd become so dependent on what I thought was a reliable friendship that, much like in a regular relationship, I'd kind of forgotten how to TRULY be alone.

So when I realized my problem, I took to myself. I started focusing on me. How to make me better. How to be happy on my own. And in doing so, I made new friends and essentially started a new life.

So, even when you don't know your weakness, when it becomes apparent, I've learned that you can strengthen. You are your problem and you are your solution.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (EL REVIEW-O, CON SPOILAHHZ)

Welcome to my annual "bitch about Paranormal Activity" party here on the blog. I bitch because I have no answers, not because I hate the franchise. If I hated the franchise, I wouldn't bother, so pipe down before you even pipe the fuck up. 

If you're tardy to the party, here are my previous rants, in order:

Paranormal Activity 3: NOT spoiler-free.

Paranormal Activity 4: spoiler-free

Paranormal Activity 4: NOT spoiler-free

I didn't start with part one or two, because this blog was after their time, but I always go back and reference them. I may do an entire review of the series after this weekend, but for now I digress.

Anyway, now that you're all caught up. 

If you were hip to the jive enough to stay passed the credits of the uber-mediocre Paranormal Activity 4, you were taken to a brief clip in what appeared to be a store of some sort. The windows were covered with newspapers and there was some yelling in Spanish into a blackout, leaving you to wonder what the hell that was all about -- much like the movie you'd just paid $12 to sit and watch.

So it's no real surprise that the newest installment in this series of mindfucks sort of picks up where that leaves off. The film centers around a kid named Jesse. The first born son in his family. He's accompanied most of the time by his two best friends Hector and whatever the chick's name is. I'm too lazy to look it up right now because I'm good at reviews. Jesse had been hearing noises coming from the neighbor's house. They put a camera through the vent to see that the neighbor is painting a symbol on the stomach of a naked woman in her living room. One of Jesse's classmates is seen leaving the neighbor's house the next day and the neighbor ends up dead shortly thereafter. As does the classmate, as he emerges from the basement of the neighbor's apartment when Jesse and Hector are trying to get laid by sneaking two girls over there. Good jump scares. 

Jesse is then "marked". Or bitten. He's able to communicate with the entity by way of a Simon game, which I really liked. He has powers that he takes the time to explore. Then he turns and gets angry and can't control it.

They find Ali - of Paranormal Activity 2 - and she explains the cult and how it works. How they're trying to take the first born son. Where she gets ALL of this information I'm not sure. What the fuck ever happened to Martine (the housekeeper who got fired, brought back and then disappeared into thin air in PA2, ya idiot)? That's what I wanna know.

I'm feeling the need to stop recapping and just start wondering out loud. There is so much I have to question in this film. Jesse & co start breaking into the neighbor's house repeatedly and steal a notebook they found on the floor. In the notebook has all writings and drawings and rules of the cult we've seen in previous films. There was mention of a door. When the door is built, one can travel to "unholy" places. Turns out, the unholy places can be in ANY time. When in the basement because he heard his dog crying next door, Jesse sees young Katie and young Kristi and their grandmother as well. And the biggest move is the twist ending. And I'm going to ruin the fuck out of it for you right now.

Jesse is, at this point, uncontrollable. He's got the demon inside him and he's thrown his grandmother down a flight of stairs and is just downright haunted. So Hector and - fuck it I'll look up her name - Marisol decide to go to the house where this cult meets. Because Marisol knocks Jesse's ass out with a baseball bat. Then the car they're all in gets hit by a truck and whoever was in the truck STEALS Jesse and leaves. 

So blah blah blah Marisol ends up dead. Another good jump scare. So Hector, who has been our camera operator through the entire endeavor, is the only one left in the house. There's an altar with all kinds of pentagramy fun all over the place. The unicorns. The symbols. It's all there. Jesse keeps finding Hector and Hector keeps narrowly escaping. In one instance, you're certain Hector is done for. The camera goes fuzzy, as if it were a VHS tape with tracking and audio problems. (Here's the wikipedia page for VHS tapes, in case you're a fetus)

When you're brought back into focus, there's a door in the POV. POV stands for point of view, idiot. 

The door is slightly different than the others and there's carvings on it. One of which being the mark of this cult. 

When Hector walks through this door, you're immediately in a familiar living room. That rug. The counter top. The living room. The bead table. You're in fucking Katie and Micah's house. When the camera points to the stairs, you see Katie lifelessly walking down them, in her white wifebeater and boxer shorts. Hector is begging for her help, but she pays no mind. She goes to the kitchen and gets a knife. He touches her shoulder. She turns around. Hector backs away. Katie begins to scream. Katie is screaming the scream at the end of the very first Paranormal Activity. Soon Micah is downstairs and Katie stabs him to death and the Jesse demon presumably kills Hector. Katie turns off the camera after it falls. 

There is time travel involved now, folks. I didn't realize it at first, but when I got home I remembered that the time stamp at the beginning of The Marked Ones was 2012. Katie and Micah's story from 2006. I don't know what else to say. I'm confused and the story is getting a little convoluted, but I think we still may be on track to a great end to this series. And if this IS the end of the series, I'm going to be sort of pissed off. I still want to see the house fire. I want to see the second round of hauntings of Katie and Kristi as children. I want to see an entire film of the things you couldn't see in the dark in the first couple films. 

As always with this franchise, the movie left me with more questions than answers, but it was far, far superior to the fourth installment. A lot of really good scares, a lot of good laughs and definitely worth your time, if you're into these movies. 

Four stars on this bad boy. Out of five. Four stars out of five stars. Where am I? 

New Years Eve: The Reckoning

Yes, OF COURSE I'm going to review Paranormal Activity: The Marked ones. But that post is not THIS post. It'll be the next one, I assure you, because I have a fuck of a lot to say about it.

But I figured I'd recap my New Years Eve for you, since I made such a big to-do about it.

Well, first of all, it snowed like a motherfucker and it was the first of three days of pure intense snow here in Chicago. So, it was a mess even getting to the train station mid day. Imagine it looked something like this:

and also like this:

It's almost like you were there, huh? Anyhow, one bus, two train rides and a lovely ride from a friend later, I found myself at a most beautiful hotel. Imagine it looked something like this:

We did some pre-gaming and drank some apple pie moonshine. Yes, apple pie moonshine. Imagine it:

Then it was time for my date and I to get ourselves all dolled up for the evening...

Can you imagine?!!

Once we were sufficiently stunning, it was time to head down to the party. You know, where the action is.

If you can even imagine it, this is one of the rooms. Imagine.

I have to say, I had a really good time. Let's imagine together:

Great time.

A really great time.

Best night ever.

So much fun.

So much fun.

Having a hilarious time.

Oh man, who let these guys play?

Alright, alright, alright. Fuck you, I really did have a good time, I guess.

Hope all y'alls NYE was equally as thrilling. Here's to the shit 2014 is about to take on our collective chest. 

2014

Happy 2014, everyone! I hope you're all just as hungover as I'm sure to be.

So, if you read yesterdays blog, you'll know that I directed you to here to find out about my relocation coming this summer. When I first thought about my lease being up in June, I knew I wanted to go somewhere. I thought maybe I should move somewhere else in Chicago since I was coming to really like living here. Then for a while I entertained the idea of moving to Los Angeles. Good comedy scene, possibility of film work. But then it kept hitting me in waves. Where do you really want to be? Where my heart is.
My heart is in New York City.

SO.. I'm moving back to New York City in June.
I fully intend to get two jobs this month and save every penny, so my move may coincide nicely with the end of my lease.

I love Chicago and I love my friends and like 60% of my family here, but I need to move back to the place that I love and to do it right this time.

You're the first person I told.
Don't tell anyone, internet.

Now go nurse your hangover.