Apologies.

This week thanks to the full moon, PMS and my general bitchy attitude towards life, I pissed a bunch of people off. That happens in life, right? Sometimes you fuck up, you apologize and life goes on.

When did it become a thing for people to not accept your apologies. Like, I'm a shitty apologizer. I really am. I know this. Most of my friends and family know this. I'm terrible at at admitting I'm wrong and even when I can admit it, I have trouble actually physically saying "I'm sorry".

But when I do say it, why is it always met with indifference or disbelief in my sincerity? When my friends and family fuck up and then apologize, I tend to accept it and if I'm still pissed, I try to talk it out. I don't blow up or ignore them or treat them like their apology couldn't mean any less to me. That's hurtful and makes me kind of feel not sorry anymore.

Why does an apology have to further punishment? Admitting you're wrong and actively trying to correct it should be punishment enough, right? No one likes to admit they've fucked up.

So next time someone fucks up and all you want to do is blow off their apology, think about how hard it is to apologize. Even if someone is bad at it, at least they had the balls to admit their error.

Did I mention the PMS?

How to Use a Cellular Telephone

I have some very pointed opinions on the use of cell phones. Don't get me wrong. I love my phone. It's a pretty little droid operated piece of metal that does everything I want it to do for the low low price of $27/month. (hahahaha, suck it!)

But there is a time and a place for these devices. And I'm going to teach you when and where to use your cell phone and conversely where and when to NOT  use your cell phone.

DO: 
Use your cell phone to text your significant other you haven't seen all day.

DON'T:
Use your cell phone to text your significant other when they walk out of the room.



DO: 
Use your phone when you need directions.

DON'T:
Use your phone in the shower.




DO:
Instagram a nice night out with friends/family/significant others.

DON'T:
Instagram the entire night you're out with friends/family/significant others.




DO:
Answer your phone when it rings.

DON'T:
Answer your phone when it rings mid-face to face conversation.





DO:
Turn your ringer on loud so you can hear it when you're out and about.

DON'T:
Forget to turn it the fuck down when you're in a quieter public setting. 



 

DO:
Take a million pictures with your phone.

DON'T:
Forget about the naked ones.





DO:
Use your phone at home.

DON'T:
Use your phone at a funeral.




Okay, I hope these tips helped you understand how to not be an asshole on your cellular telephone device.


Ta, fuckers.

Fifty Shades of Grey - My Brilliance

Yes, you're luck! It's another edition of Fifty Shades of Shut the Fuck Up, Jeshface!

Now, imdb.com has it listed that a Fifty Shades movie is in the works and everyone who actually liked the book and wants to see it made into a film (I fall into the former category, but not the latter), is debating who should play Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.

Sidenote: Every time I type the name "Anastasia Steele", I feel like I'm writing the world's most awful literary pornography.

But I digress.

Personally, I think they should leave the books alone. Christian Grey looks different to a lot of different people and putting a permanent face on him would take away the fantasy aspect for a lot of people. Clearly it took me months to realize I saw him as a live-action Sterling Archer.

But because we must capitalize on EVERYTHING in this country, here's what I think they should do when they inevitably make this into a film..

They don't cast Matt Bomer or Ian Somerholder or any of these other Hollywood pretty boys I've never heard of. They don't cast Alexis Bledel or Emma Watson. They cast COMPLETE unknowns. First time big budget movie. It's a clean slate, no preconceived notions, no bias, no immediate turn off because of casting.

And here's the catch; You market the film with complete anonymity. No cast list. No face visuals in the trailers and tv spots. You will not see Christian and Ana until you pay whatever obscene amount your theater charges to sit down and see the film yourself.

BOOM. Brilliance.
Fifty Shades of Grey just made $500,000 more than anticipated.


Laters, baby.

What the Fuck is That?!

Gangnam Style Dance - What the fuck is that?

Gwyneth Paltrow best dressed woman - What the fuck is that?

Gwyneth Paltrow is a woman - What the fuck is that?

CPS on strike - What the fuck is that?

A Christmas commercial on September 13th - The FUCK is THAT?

All the best pleasures in life can kill you - The fuck?

Diet Pepsi won't make your ass fat, but it will give you cancer - What the FUCK is that?!

Foreskin - The fuck?

I like One Direction's song... you know, that one.. - What the??

Overdue unpaid parking tickets - What the fuck is that?

Accidentally scheduling all your classes on Sundays so you can't watch the Bears - What the fuck?!!

Shaving - What the fuck?

Shots of Jameson - What the...?

Chambray - What the fuck is that?

Color blocking - What the fuck is that?

Fuck - The fuck?

Chicken soup for the soul - What the fuck is that?

Hipsters - What the fuck is that?

Darth Vader's cholesterol level - What the fuck?

I have no idea where I'm going with this... - What the fuck is that?