An Open Letter to Virgin Mobile...

I'd like to preface my open letter to Virgin Mobile by first telling you why I am a Virgin Mobile customer...

First of all, I'm broke as fuck. I have a shitty job and I make dick for money. I can afford a fancier phone, but I'd have to eliminate food or booze or electricity or something from my budget.. and I'm not willing to do that. Second of all, most of my shit can be done on my iPod... like this post for example, so I didn't feel the need to get a fancy phone.

So I chose VM because they had a bangin' deal; $27/month, 300 minutes, unlimited text, unlimited data. Perfect for me. In a normal month, I don't even use up 40 of those 300 minutes.

With that, let me give you a glimpse of the letter that I have every intention of sending to Virgin Mobile..

To Whom it May Concern,

I have been a Virgin Mobile customer for several years. Never have I been so disappointed with your service as I have in the past few months. First of all, I wasn't aware that the phone I spent $150 on (LG Rumor Touch) was the glitchiest piece of garbage you had available. I understand this is an LG problem and not directly yours. Regardless, I have had this particular phone for two years and it is the worst phone I have ever owned.

Secondly, your service had gone downhill severely as of late. I understand I am only paying $27 (and now all of a sudden some random tax that is brand new with no notification) and you get what you pay for. However, I also understand that you are getting my money every month and I am entitled to the basic rights every person who pays for phone service is!

Rarely do my texts send without a five minute, turn my phone on and off ordeal. My picture messages have stopped sending altogether. Also there are days where I can't send or receive texts at all! Even when I get texts from
Virgin Mobile regarding a service change, the browser won't open so I can see what the service change is. The browser never works, the Internet never works when I can actually get the browser to work and whenever I'm actually ON a phone call, the reception is ALWAYS fuzzy! In my house, at work, in the car, anywhere.. I have never had a clear phone call with your terrible service.

Quite honestly, I would rather pay $80+ a month for a phone than ever use your service again. I will absolutely be taking my business elsewhere and I wouldn't recommend you to ANYONE.

Eat a dick,
Jess Burns, jaded consumer

--

I may or may not leave out the "eat a dick".

Shalom.

The Art and Neuroses of Writing

I wouldn't put "writer" on my resume or passport, but I studied journalism in college (that one year..) and I also used to teach an improvisation and scene study class, where I actually did a bit of writing as well. Ever since I was a kid, I yearned for the perfect creative outlet for my hot mess of a brain. It always comes down to writing somehow. Whether I'm releasing a long overdue brain leak of nonsensical bullshit or actually putting pen to paper about something of some importance, writing is a very interesting process for me.

I'm very much a scatterbrain. When I write, I tend to get off-topic by way of example, making a long-winded reference or just releasing too many unrelated ideas before they're called for. Any journalism professor would tell you this is a bad thing... and it is. It won't hold your reader's attention long enough in the sense that it's almost like reading a big run-on sentence (or 3/4 of your Facebook friends' statuses..). So my writing very rarely stays on topic, nor can I find myself getting to the point quickly. So, needless to say, writing takes me a long time. Sometimes my most clever tweets can take ten to fifteen minutes to perfect within that 140 character limit.

I'm also a compulsive editor. And when I say "compulsive", I mean "I change pretty much everything... at least twice.". Seriously. It's awful. That's part of why I started blogging way back when MySpace was relevant. I used to blog there constantly. It was just idea after idea after idea and I didn't have to think or edit any of it because I just said things the way I would speak. But whenever I've tried to write anything concrete in my life, I've always edited it down to nothing and then it became such an edited nub of writing that I basically give up and never look back. I edit myself out of my own writing.

And in keeping in time with the first point I made, I really have no idea what the point of this post is. As someone who writes frequently, I just thought I'd share what an annoying process this is. So.. long story short, I'll never write professionally. You're welcome.

Dancin' Kim Has Given My Life New Meaning...

I already made a promise on my Facebook that I will one day get hammered and recreate this video. And to tell you the truth, I am so fucking excited to do it. I almost want to do it right now.


ZOMBIEEEEE.

Advice From a Professional Hot Mess....

So, I often reflect upon the choices my friends and family make and think about what I would do in the same situation.. "putting myself in their shoes", as they say. Whoever "they" is. Are. Whoever "they" are. Right? Whatever.

Whilst thinking of this, I realize that in my life, I take nothing as seriously as I probably should. OR... perhaps some people take things TOO seriously.

In my opinion, life is a series of black and white situations... Sure, there are some times where there is a gray area and there's no getting around that. But I think for the most part, things are pretty black and white... especially if you're a racist.

So, I thought I'd share with you (both) some of the guidelines by which I live my life...

1 - Karma is a real thing. I've fucked some shit up in the past and its come to get me. It doesn't necessarily mean I stopped doing what I was doing, but I'm very aware of the power of Karma. So be good to others or you're due for a swift kick in the ass.

2 - Say what you're thinking with no remorse. That's not to say you walk up to your boyfriend and say "hey, man, you got a tiny dick." or anything like that. But if something's burning in your chest (first of all, reconsider your spicy food intake) and you need to say it, just say it. We only get one shot at this life, in theory, so take the chance and just say what you need to say.

3 - Do not regret. Someone who's been quoted as saying this and then was retweeted a shit ton of times on Twitter once said "Don't regret anything, because at one time you wanted it" or some such shit. I don't know, I'm paraphrasing now and I'm way too lazy to look up who said it. Either way, I think you get the gist. I never feel regret because I always do with intention. If I want something, I go get it.

4 - I'm gonna quote again. This time from 10 Things I Hate About You... "Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want." (Heath Ledger, may he rest in peace..) Allowing your insecurities to inhibit you and keep you from what you deserve is no way to live life!

5 - Don't pick fights with someone who is (a) bigger than you, (b) faster than you, (c) a cop, (d) wearing rings or (e) way more drunk than you/on coke.

6 - If you go to a friend's apartment for a party, don't intentionally trash the place. And if you stay over, maybe help clean up the next day. That's just good manners. Cause they probably have a noise complaint or two comin' their way... and one of their other guests probably broke some of their shit.

7 - When you're wrong, just admit it and save us all the trouble of wanting to punt you across the room.

8 - A well-timed movie, pop culture or literary reference can go a long way... but when no one gets it, try really hard not to get mad. Everyone will remember that.

9 - Try and pick up at least a little bit of a new language. Then Americans maybe might seem just a tad less ignorant!

10 - If you can't drive over 75MPH on the expressway (at least in Illinois), get the FUCK out of the left lane.

Alright, that's all the wisdom I think I'm going to bestow upon you this evening. Take these golden plates and guard them with your life, my little Joseph Smiths.

Relationships N Shit...

So many of the women I know and grew up with are now married, have children, both or are in the process of one, the other or both.

I'm not one of those girls who's been dreaming of her wedding every night of her life. Definitely not. Quite honestly, if I never get married, I won't be particularly heartbroken. Let's call that "daddy issues".

I also despise the process of dating. It's painfully awkward and of no interest to me. So needless to say, when it's not a monogamous relationship, I'm always as single as can be.

But I do have some views on relationships that I'd really like to share while I'm avoiding the paperwork that is strewn like a tablecloth upon my desk. I will also share with you what a single woman such as myself looks for in a prospective gentleman.. besides a giant penis. That's just implied.

I've had my fair share of long-term relationships; my last having been almost a 3 year ordeal. I know right? Most people who've gotten to know me post-that-break-up are typically like "whoa! i can't even picture you in a relationship, let alone for that long!". Well... fuck you, ya fuck. I'm a lady god dammit!

My point being that I've been in more than one lengthy relationship, so I do have some basis for my theories on them. There is also no bias here for race or sexual orientation. I believe these theories of mine to be true for everyone. Please feel free to call bullshit on me if this proves to be untrue.

Theory #1 - In an ideal relationship, the two people in question should be friends. That's not to imply they should be friends first and date second. It means that in the realm of the relationship, these two people should be able to communicate as friends. (I'll get to the communication chapter in a minute..) Cause quite frankly, if you wouldn't hang out with this person in a random social setting, why would you choose to date them?

Theory #2 - Theory number two is something I see abused often and should be a fucking prerequisite for ALL relationships (business, personal, romantic and otherwise). Respect should be given by ALL parties. I have seen so many relationships wallpapered with emotional abuse because one person feels the need to be an asshole and the other feels obligated to make excuses for it. There is no excuse for a disrespectful relationship. Period. FUCKING PERIOD.

Theory #3 - Sex. If you know me and/or know anything at all about me, you know that I openly talk about sex. Be it joking or otherwise. I feel no bounds in discussing the topic, within reason. So many of my friends come to me with their sexual issues in their relationships. I don't believe this is because I'm some whorey expert, but because I have an openness about the subject that a lot of women seem to shy away from for one reason or another. So here's what I know and what I've advised some friends on...

Sex should be a big factor in any romantic relationship. And not just having it, but in the MANNER you're having it. Most of my friends come at me with "I can't get off" or "I can't get him/her off". The only answer I can give you there is to be as open and honest as you can. If you don't like what you're getting, you have to come up with a gentle-on-the-ego way to say "hey, that shit doesn't do it for me". Plain and simple. And if you have an openness about the sexuals in your relationship, this will be an easier conversation to have, I assure you.

And ladies, this part is for you. Sometimes ladies are not as "gung-ho fuck me" as men are. Personally, I'd rather have sex than do most things. However, in the instance that you aren't super excited about sex, vagina friends, you are gonna find yourself in some problematic relationships. These ladies need to be more adventurous in the bedroom (or wherever it is you prefer to bone). This will open up a more exciting side to the act itself. Cause frankly, if he has to watch The Notebook every time you're PMSing, you should be willing to suck his dick every once in a while, ladies.

I took the long way around here, but the point is that you should ENJOY having an abundance of sex with the person you choose to date. (or marry, in the instance you're saving yourself. no judgement here.) If abstinence by choice is not the case and only one of you is excited about the boning taking place, the other will end up pretty unhappy. That's just a fact.

Theory #4 - This is another element that is required to maintain healthy relationships in general. (Are we seeing a fucking pattern here? I think yes.) Communication must be crystal fucking clear. This means NO mind games, ladies and gentlemen. Games have their heyday at the very beginning of the relationship when the women don't want their new man to know that they actually eat or take a shit or whatever.

But when you've passed that phase, there should be no barrier, big or small, in a healthy relationship. If you're truly in love with this person and you intend to stay in it for the long haul, there should be nothing you're unable to say to him/her. That's not to say you have to tell them every thought that's in your brain, but you should never have to feel obligated to hide anything from your significant other, in my opinion. If you feel you have to hide things from them often, RED FLAG.

Passive aggression is another area where communication just fails. My mother's boyfriend, just as an example, is the mayor of fucking Passive Aggressivelandvilletown. In the past eight years, I've witnessed so much passive aggressive behavior that I could probably write a fucking dissertation on the subject... and I only lived with them for like two of those eight years.

If you're hurt, SAY you're hurt. If you're mad, SAY you're mad. If you're happy, SAY you're happy. Don't fuck around trying to make your boyfriend/girlfriend guess how you feel or play games trying to make them feel bad when you could have just said "HEY. It pisses me off when you do that.". Just STOP. Be quiet. Reevaluate your life.

Theory #5 - This one seems a little arbitrary, but... FUN. You should be having it. If you spend more time arguing than enjoying each other's company, you're either in love with drama and I don't even want to hear about your relationship, and/or you just need to end it.

Theory #6 - Everyone needs alone time. What I mean by this is that in order to love others, you have to first love yourself. I have so many girlfriends who break up with their boyfriends and jump right into new relationships because they don't like being alone. I do know a couple of guys who are like this as well. When you truly achieve "getting over" someone, being single is the best feeling in the world. It's a new lease on life and a plethora of options you'd forgotten you once had. So cherish your single life too! It really is important to know who you are WITHOUT a man/woman by your side.

The point of all of this, rainbow children, is that life is far too fucking short to live in a miserable relationship. I know relationships require more than five half baked theories and I do have many other theories and opinions, but dammit this blog is far too long as is.

Personally, I'm a choosy human when it comes to boyfriends. Not because I think I'm too good for certain people or anything. It just genuinely takes A LOT for me to be interested in someone enough to want to actually date them. If that interest is not piqued, I won't even bother trying.

So what's a happy-being-single chick's ideal mate? Well..

1 - A sense of humor is probably one of the most important things. And because I, personally, so often speak tactlessly, a man who can laugh at (and add to) wildly inappropriate things is kind of a must. If a man can make me genuinely laugh, I'm pretty much sold instantly.

2 - No mind games! Games are for children. Straightforward people always win my heart in general because your honesty tells me "Hey. I'm not afraid to tell you things." and I have great respect for that.

3 - It's the Capricorn in me that likes to nurture. I don't wanna be your fucking mommy, but revealing a weakness or vulnerability melts me a little. Be the manly man (hopefully with that giant penis) you are, but don't be afraid to open that door to your weaknesses sometimes too!

4 - Have an interest and your own opinions. Don't just tell me what I wanna hear or do what I wanna do. Grow a pair and do you sometimes.

5 - Sex. All the time.

6 - Cheat on me, I'll castrate you... or just leave your ass if I'm feeling particularly lazy.

I think that about sums it up. Again, I don't claim to be Dr. Phil or anything, but these are just some thoughts I have on relationships and how they work/why they don't work. Call bullshit on me if you feel so inclined. But I will immediately tell you to shut up and that you're wrong.. And frankly, if you've even made it this far, I should buy you a fucking beer, so let me know and drinks are on me.




Maybe.

Why I Happen to be a Terrible Blogger..

While I'm certainly someone who has a myriad of ideas sloshing around in her brain constantly, (see: my twitter) I realized recently that I'm a terrible blogger.

-- the only proof I need is the fact that I started this very blog MANY MANY days ago and never finished it..

As I Stare At This Photo of Lionel Richie...

I can't help but wonder how does one dance on the ceiling? I mean, unless you stole Willy Wonka's fizzy lifting drinks or you're fucking Reagan from The Exorcist, dancing on the ceiling isn't exactly a feeling people can really relate to.

I also can't help but wonder how this photo of Lionel Richie got here.