She's a Lady. Whoa. Whoa. WHOA!

It has come to my attention in the past two weeks that I am less than a lady. By god, do not confuse that with "less than a woman". I will whip out my penis and prove you wrong so fast.

Walking around New York City, you often see this country's most beautiful women. Women with beautiful faces, hair that is totally trimmed every six weeks, dresses you would have to skip a month's rent to buy and a grace/attitude that is nearly impossible to emulate. For me, anyway.

I care how I look. I like it when my hair is done (brushed) and my nails painted (just one or two chips) and I wear makeup (uneven liquid eyeliner) with a pretty dress (that is probably too short for my stature). I like to look good and feel good (mmmm chips!). However, when it's 90 degrees, sunny and I'm hoofing my ass across town on foot, I care a little less.

My appearance has taken precedence over my comfort maybe four times in my entire life. Does this make me unladylike? Not necessarily.

I do, however, like to drink beer and then I forget/don't care where I am and burp as though it's a competition. (It is!)

I also like to wear men's shorts because they're more comfortable. As much of an appeal as it is to see my ass hanging out of my shorts (it's not), I'd rather not have to pull material out of my crotch every three blocks. Just a personal preference.

I also don't prance around the issue of eating. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm on a date, I eat. Even if we're not going out to eat. I'm eating. The thought of having to pretend that when I'm starving I'd rather eat a bail of hay than a god damn cheeseburger makes me sad on the inside. I'd rather let the cheeseburger make me feel that way.

In addition to those charming facts, I'm also awkward as.. um.. fuck. I'm awkward as fuck. I say stupid shit at stupid times and I'm uncomfortable with human emotion. I don't possess the grace or fluidity of language that many women do. (see: the time I yelled "ha-haaa, what the fuck!" in a funeral home)

However, when it comes down to it, you don't have to be a lady to be a woman. I may be tactless and weird with a messy bun of hair atop my head while I scarf down a cheeseburger, but I'm still a woman. And I'm good at being a woman. I'm just no good at being a lady.

I am stellar at sweating though. So... you're welcome. You are welcome.