Things You Need to Stop Saying

Do you ever fantasize about telling that one friend of yours to just "STOP SAYING THINGS!"? Do your nieces and nephews sound like a dumbed down version of Pretty Little Liars? Do you wish you could punch Merriam Webster in the face for the things we've let into its pages? Well, if you said yes to any of this, there's a good chance people in your life are saying a bunch of things that could really stand to get the hell out of our society's vernacular. Let's get rid of some.

Be jealous.
This is a phrase coined by people who are doing something they feel is cool. If they're out doing something they enjoy, they will surely post about it on some social media platform and then immediately demand that you be jealous. Why? What if I have absolutely no interest in cross-stitching the PBR logo onto a throw pillow and am therefore not in any way jealous? What if I don't like the beach because I'm allergic to sand and am therefore not in any way jealous? Jealousy is for children and suspicious girlfriends. If you want me to take an interest in the thing you're showing me, just show it to me.
If I'm jealous, that means my life is missing a key element that is keeping me from being totally happy. This is what you want from me?! Some friend you are.

Or nah.
This is a phrase on which I've only recently been hipped to the jive. This one astounds me. Sometimes shortening words like "totally" to "totes" happens -- and while I hate that too, it's more acceptable in my brain because it's shortening the word down. "Or nah" is saying "or not", only as if you'd just had a stroke this week. I'm sorry, what is wrong with using a full word or a correct word? Is "or not" really that much harder or uncool to say than "or nah". Maybe instead of "what do you think?", I'll start saying "what do youthahhh?".
So fucking cool. And look at all that time I saved.

Complaints.
This isn't so much words themselves as it is what this represents. I adore most of my friends with whom I share a social media relationship. However, many of said friends only use their social media platforms to complain. And I mean COMPLAIN.
Ow, my foot hurts. Aw, man, a book fell over. It seems like there's traffic all the time. I lost a piece of paper I was writing on a week ago. Oh no, I'm missing a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. My cream soda is flat. I had to wait in a line today.
Like, literally, anything that can be complained about is complained about. It's always petty stuff and it's always obnoxious.
I try my hardest as a human being with no super serious problems in life to not complain about petty or serious things. My life will never be worse than some other peoples' lives. I don't have the right to complain. Sure, things fucking suck sometimes, but complaining about every single one of those things makes you seem like you can't handle anything at all and that you're going to whine about it every step of the way. If you look back on your social media platforms and see that maybe you've been complaining a lot lately, take a moment a consider buying a diary. Just remember, negativity breeds negativity.
Because frankly, I'm sure the rest of your friends feel the same way I do. I just have the balls to say it in an open, incredibly vague forum.

Am I a hypocrite because I've spent this entire blog complaining? Of course not. This is my blog.

Now if you'll excuse me, my cream soda's going flat.

IF you haven't been keeping up with my VEDA, well, neither have I... but I'm all caught up now, so feel free to check 'em all out and subscribe for more weird whenever I feel like it.

Also, one week from today there's going to be a big announcement on the channel and probably here as well. Big, big, big.

Enjoy your Wednesday. Go hump something, whydon'tchya?

The Curse of the One Man Woman

For most of my life I have been "cursed" by being what I like to call the "one man woman". I don't fancy many men at a time and I find it hard to even take an interest in men that I don't think would have any interest in me. A display of low self-esteem? Maybe, but I like to see it as being more "realistic" than anything. I've never made out with a random stranger in a bar. I've only ever dated one man for less than a month. I'm a serial monogamist, I suppose. It's not out of distaste or disapproval. I've just never been the girl that any guy with more than six brain cells wants to make out with at a bar and I'm fine with that.

But lately I've been sort of envious of the "one + one = thirty" women. The ones that will cozy their needy egos up to men who are practically (or literally) strangers and lock their face onto his. Because, let's be honest, when you've been single for a while, sometimes all you want to do is makeout with a stranger. There's something mysterious and awesome about having the power to see someone you like and taste their saliva for fifteen minutes at a time. What sick practices we humans engage in.

Will I ever be this type of woman? Probably not. You figure that around 30, you're pretty locked into your own mindsets. Do I really want to be that type of woman? Probably not. You figure that around 30, your prospects of making a human connection that doesn't involve saliva are slim to none in a bar setting.

So where does a "one man woman" meet a man who doesn't need the menu read to him? Or a man who isn't so quick to grind his genitals on you as a way to say "I find you attractive". Or a man who can speak in more than slurs. A bar is not the place.

The ritual of dating has become a lost art. I've been taken on very few dates in my life, despite having had a few serious relationships and a few passing boyfriends. The practice of wining and dining your date has long since been put to rest, and frankly that's relieving. There's nothing more awkward than first date small talk.
Except getting your period unexpectedly.

So where does the practice of dating go from here? Are we all just destined to be the "one man woman"/"one woman man"/"one man man"/"one woman woman", etc.?

Or are there still nice people out there who at least want to wait until they know your name and can say it coherently before they press their genitals into your hip to say they find you attractive?

How to Be a Vlogger

As of recent times, my friends on the social platform of my real life have encountered my online life. My online life accurately represents my real life, so it's not as if I've been living a lie so much as living a double life. I'm always very hesitant to show my friends and family content I'm working on. I don't know why that is. I have very supportive friends and family. But more recently, things like my youtube channel (click the link and subscribe if you love puppies and comedy) have come to my friends' attention. My secret world is no longer a secret. And while once a terrifying notion, I'm presented now with the challenge to up my game because people I know are watching. My friends, at least the ones who've told me they watch, even like my videos.

Which brings me to the reason you clicked on this post. Now, I am by no means a professional vlogger.. though I'm taking steps toward that tomorrow through a hopeful partnership secrets secrets secrets.
But I digress. I had a friend approach me last week and ask me "how exactly do you start vlogging?". And that sent the hamster in the wheel of my brain a-runnin'.

Vlogging is always something that came naturally to me. I never really thought of it as a process. I started vlogging back in 2006. I never did it as a means to really be entertaining or to bring thoughts or ideas to the table for discussion. I did it to keep in contact with my friends who were spread out across the country. We would record videos for each other with updates and rambles and that was entertaining. My old channel still has hundreds of subscribers to date for some weird reason. But with YouTube being such a wonderful commodity for comedians, bloggers, vloggers, gurus, gamers, educators, tutorials, etc., there does seem to be a bit of a formula to it.

So here's a couple tips to get you started, if you're interested in vlogging, but you aren't sure how to get started.

1- JUMP. When I decided I wanted to use YouTube as a platform to put comedy ideas on, I really had to think about how to approach it. Did I want to film full sketches? I don't have the camera equipment for that. Should I try it anyway? Did I want to do a series of reviews or just vlogs? What am I gonna talk about? Don't I need an audience for that? YES. SO WHAT? YES. YES. YES. EVERYTHING. NO.
There were a series of videos at the beginning of my YouTube channel (not no mo!) that were basically "Hehhhh, I dunno what to do with my channel..". Don't do that. Just jump into it. Regardless of the type of channel you want to start, or even if you're unsure of the type of channel you want to start, come up with a concept - big or small - shoot it to the best of your ability, edit it to the best of your ability and put it up on YouTube. You'll never believe the feeling of accomplishment.

2- GIVE YOURSELF TIME. To reiterate, I am by no means a professional vlogger or even a great vlogger for that matter. But the one thing I've noticed is that over time, your videos get better. The content will get richer after that first video. Often when I watch my videos back, they reinspire me into a completely new idea. As soon as you find a groove with your videos, you'll keep producing content and it will look better and better as time goes on. This is also the best way to find your voice on your channel (and probably in life). I've seen my personality, not necessarily change, but evolve differently than I thought it would since I've started vlogging regularly. And your videos will be shitty for a while.. and that's okay! Trust me, there's videos on my channel that I would re-do in a second, but if you don't have the shitty videos to go back and cringe at, you'll never know how far you've come.

3- SHOOT-N-EDIT. Being unemployed, I don't have the means to get a fancy Canon 60D or even the tripod that holds it. And I certainly don't have the means to purchase editing software. However, if you're in a similar situation, don't let this hinder your progress. I started out, on this channel, using my laptop's webcam. Now, I actually use my iPhone. I like that I can see what I'm filming, as opposed to shooting on a fairly shitty digicam. I edit using Windows Movie Maker. Eventually when I have more than $15 in my checking account, I will invest in a sexy Canon 60D, a MacBook and Final Cut. But having limited means doesn't mean you can't produce quality content.

4- UPLOAD-N-LABEL IT REAL GOODLIKE. Obviously, the next step is to put your video on YouTube, or whatever video hosting platform you choose -- believe it or not there are other options! But at this juncture, I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a better one than YouTube, in my opinion. Give your video a title. I disagree with people who say your title has to be SUPER catchy. It can just be what it is. If you're doing a tag video it's perfectly acceptable to label it something weird. However, I would sincerely recommend you do not try "view-whoring" your videos by labeling them something they are not. Unless you get a kick out of negative feedback and whiny teenagers. Make sure you use relevant tags as well. Most people would tell you to be very expansive in the "info" section. Personally, I find my eye is caught more by videos with just a funny sentence or two in the video's info box.

5- BE PATIENT AND DO IT CAUSE YOU LOVE IT. If we could all make videos for a living, the general population would be far more introverted. It's a beautiful thing to make videos and create your little world of content on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. It's a hard feat to overcome, but try and forget you want attention on your videos. Definitely use your social media platforms to whatever you degree feels good to you. Don't annoy your friends. If they wanna see it, they'll see it. Trust me. They saw the link the first thirty two times you posted it. Give yourself time to build an audience. In the interim, find yourself a niche and a reason to love creating content for the world to see. Which leads me to...

6- BE PERSISTENT AND CONSISTENT. It takes quite a while to build your own little community on YouTube. It rarely happens overnight unless your kid just went to the dentist or your cat in a top hat just knocked a tinier cat out on its ass. So keep doing it. Come up with constants in your videos. Maybe make your intros a certain style that people recognize when they come to your videos -- same for the end of your video. Giving your audience a comfort in consistency on your channel is actually a very important element. And still in the vein of consistency, come up with some sort of schedule for yourself. Even if you don't want to cement days to post videos, be somewhat regular with your posting. Once a week is probably the most popular option. And don't stop. Just because you don't have a million subscribers doesn't mean people aren't watching or won't watch eventually. Give yourself time and create create create!

So there you go. There's my tips and tricks for how to be a vlogger. If you have any Qs or anything you'd like to add that maybe I didn't cover here, feel free to comment below or contact me on Twitter (@jeshface).

And as always, please subscribe to my channel HERE for content weekly at the very least. I'm currently participating in VEDA (Vlog Every Day in April), so there's a new video every day in the month of April.

Have a totally sexy Sunday.

FIND ME HERE:
TWITTER
INSTAGRAM
TUMBLR
YOUTUBE
WORDPRESS