Two Things...

1 - Why would Facebook suggest I buy Madonna tickets when I despise Madonna and aside from making fun of her "performance" at the Super Bowl halftime show, I've never even mentioned her name on Facebook.
2 - Why the hell is there not a picture of MADONNA in an ad for MADONNA tickets?!

Get your shit together, Zuckerberg.

Thank Me Later

She's no Nichole337, but if you can take this video to the end, you're a champ and you're in for a laugh. Enjoy, minions.

Masturbation.

If a woman says she doesn't masturbate, she is either

a - a fucking liar

or

b - completely clueless as to what she wants in bed.


These are facts. As you were.

The Woman in Black - Spoiler Free Edition

I want to preface my review by saying that it will be spoiler-free as far as plot points and the storyline. I will comment on a few of the scares, but I won't give you really anything you haven't already seen in the trailers.

So here we go.

First of all, my drive for seeing this movie was initially purely based on the fact that it starred the delicious Daniel Radcliffe. Being a Harry Potter nerd and a lover of all men sexy, I was intrigued when I heard about the film back in August. Of course, then I was also going to see Mr. DanRad nightly in How to Succeed in Business, as I was staying in New York for an extended period of time. But I digress.

I was intrigued by the first few trailers and then the tv spots. I didn't go into the film with high expectations to be scared at all. Let's face it, in this day and age it's really hard to make a film scary. They're either torture porn, slasher reboots, exorcisms or paranormal films. And this film in particular didn't really look all that scary to me, but like it had an interesting plot line and the potential for a good paranormal thriller.

And I think my preconceptions were pretty accurate.

The film starts us off with three ginger children (who we can assume have no soul due to their gingerdom) silently playing. And at the conclusion of the scene I already figured out half of the movie. I'm not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, but it was a little transparent, though not the main plot point.

Then we meet Arthur Kipps (the almighty DanRad). He's leaving his son with his nanny for a business "trip" of sorts. Kipps is a lawyer who is being sent to a large home in a remote village to sort through documents and paperwork of its deceased inhabitant. During this time we are also met with flashbacks of the birth of Kipps' son and the simultaneous death of his wife.

When Kipps arrives to his destination, he's met with a confusing array of dismissal. No one wants him there. No one wants him to go to the estate of the deceased. Nevertheless he does, of course, and it is there I must stop in the plot advancement because of my aforementioned "spoiler-free"ness.

However, it is in the backstory of this "woman in black" where I sort of fell off the proverbial cliff. While the backstory of this entity's potential motives and existence weren't disinteresting, I couldn't help but feel rather lost. I comprehended the storyline, but there was so little dialogue in the film that it made it difficult to follow at first.

I also felt as though there wasn't enough character building. I can see the motivation for this as you wanted this town to feel cold and distant and traumatized, and it did. Except, again, due to a lack of dialogue, it took me a while to figure out who a few people were. Mind you, the showing I went to was sold out and I was forced to sit in the front row all the way on the aisle, so my literal view was slightly skewed.

One thing The Woman in Black did not lack in was jump scares. There wasn't a great degree of tension building, but they nailed the jump scares. There were girls screaming like they were on a roller coaster in the theater. Lots of toys that made sound and had creepy eyes. The camera work on all those toys was exquisite. Really good uncomfortable closeups!

The one thing that also creeped me out from the trailer was that chair that moved on its own. The motion was linked to that backstory and furthering plotline I mentioned earlier and I liked that it wasn't an arbitrary move. (Heh... puns.)

As the movie was starting to hit it's climax (harder! harder!), I kind of got a little cynical towards it. A few "whaaat?"s and "REALLY?!"s came to mind. But then the jump scares came back and they were actually good ones.

The only thing I have to say I'm on the fence about is the ending to this movie. I can't say I liked the ending, but I can't say I hated it either. (Like I said, on the fucking fence).

All in all, I liked The Woman in Black. The jump scares were good, the plot kept me interested, the scenery was beautiful and I made a lot of fairly giggle-worthy jokes throughout. (see: Harry Potter and the Bitch in the House)

I wouldn't call it scary and I wouldn't classify it as a horror movie, but I'm content with what I saw. It met my expectations. And dammit if that DanRad isn't delicious to look at. And for those who have not seen him do anything besides Harry Potter (ie theatre, December Boys, etc.), it's almost transcendent for him. Sexual attraction aside, he's actually quite a good actor and it shines through in this film. Especially working with such little dialogue and primarily in scenes by himself.

Overall, I'd give The Woman in Black an 8 out of 10. Two points loss on the plot not having the kick it could have had and for the "meh" ending. That aside, I say get out there and buy an overpriced ticket. Don't worry, they'll re-release it in 3D soon, I'm sure.